Tainted Beauty

Today was one of those bad days. I cried because I remembered. It all started when I decided to write a poem for some one's blog, it was a topic close to both our hearts. Anyway, I wrote about us. I wrote about you. I wrote about the difficulty you had in accepting that men had passed through my bed before you.

We were in the 2nd year of our relationship and we were having one of those rare "home alone" days. Out of the blue you asked me "how many guys have you slept with?". "Why?" I asked, raising my head from your chest. "We have been together for almost two years, now you ask me, what difference does it make?"

I didn't know then, but your idiot friend Gbovo had told you that his brother and I had had a Little something going on. What is his own. The idiot just wanted to poor sand in my garri abi? Because I didn't give him time of day. Hiss hiss.

"I just want to know what I 'm getting," you said. So I told you, from my first experience till you, I didn't leave anything out. You didn't say anything, you just listened. Seun, by the time I had finished, I swear you had this look of disgust on your face. I know you tried to act unperturbed but it wasn't working. I could see it in your eyes that my beauty was tainted.

I was distraught, I called Labake and told her what happened. She chastised me. "Guys think that they want to know but they don't, you shouldn't have told him". The phrase bolting the barn after the horse had bolted sprang to mind.

Over the next few weeks, your attitude towards me changed. You were distant, cold, rude even. I took it all. I wanted to give you time. This double standard jarred me but such was the way of the world. I didn't want to know all the girls in your past. I accepted that our life together started from the moment we decided to be together. Why couldn't it have been the same way for you? You were lucky that this happened before the car incident, you wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. But never mind that

The final straw came when I called you and asked if you could pick me up from your house, I had gone to drop something up for your sister. You actually hissed and then told me you were chilling at Gbovo's house and that I always assumed that you could drop everything when I snapped my fingers. What the fuck? I took a cab to Gbovo's. I didn't know what I was going to say to you but I couldn't take it anymore. I rang you when i got there and you came down, I told the cab to wait

I didn't even say hello "Seun, I don't know what is going on in that head of yours. Where you not the one that wanted to know. eh? So what is it you want me to do now? Apologise for living my life? Well those things you feel I should be ashamed of are the things about which I am most proud. These are the things that made me who I am. Those experiences are what made me into this woman you claim to love so much. Fix up or fuck off because I am tired of this shit.

My cab was still waiting, I turned to enter the cab and I heard you laughing. I turned around and you were almost in hysterics. I paused too see if there was method to this madness. "Tinuke, you are priceless. I needed that. I guess I was wallowing in self pity for my bruised ego." Don't go", you said as you held my arm "I am not saying sorry because it was the only way that I could really have reacted but I'm over it now. You paid for the cab and we went inside.

You were over it. But once in a while, I saw that same look in your eyes. It always followed a late night call from a male friend or me bumping into a male friend when I was out with you. But you did try and rise above it. You guys and your egos.

Always
Me