Friday, 14 November 2008

Ring Ring

Its been a while since I have been on here. So much has happened in such a little time. I feel very guilty, this blog is where I come when I am sad, needing to release. But when I am happy, I can't seem to bring myself to write here, where Seun seems to still reside. His name at the top of the page reminding me that I have not truly let go.

Truth be told, you guys have helped me more than you realise. I have shared my deepest and darkest times with you. You who are always available for a chat whatever time, and a helluva lot cheaper than a counsellor.

In a way, this post is for Brown. Its been about 5 weeks since we last spoke. Have rang him a million times but I guess he has had enough of Tinuke, I wanted to email him a link to this blog and have him read about my life before him, my destiny unfulfilled, the fear of ever feeling such pain and despair hangs over my head. I will him to understand but this is Seuns place, not Brown. I wrote this email a few days ago but it sits in my inbox, I cant bring myself to send it.

Dear Brown,

The last time we saw you called me selfish, detached, and some uglier names which I would rather keep to myself. You say that I walk around with a chip on my shoulder, thinking that the world owes me something.

The last few months have been the happiest I have been for a long time, So happy that I feel guilty for being so happy. Like I have no right. You make me happy. You know you do. I am grateful for your patience. I don't know how else to explain my sometimes irrational behaviour. So.......

The day Seun left me I went home, the friend I was with offered to drive me to my parents house, offered to call Labake to come round, offered to stay over. I declined. I told him that I had already called Labake and that she was on her way. This was a lie.

As I shut the front door of mine and Seun's house, the darkness that met me is one that I would rather forget. I was moving around the house, but it wasn't me. I t felt like i was watching me.

I went to the bedroom that until recently had been Seun and my little nest. I dragged the duvet and wrapped it around myself. It smelt of Seun. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and let his smell engulf me. It was growing stronger by the minute and I suddenly felt a strong sense that Seun wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I called Aramide back and begged her to take it back.

'Mide, you were joking abi, I wont be mad, just tell me you were joking'

'just tell me you were joking'

I willed her to take back those words, in my mind, every thing would be alright. Her crying was the only answer I needed. My Seun was gone. The next few days were a blur for me. I was vaguely aware of people knocking at my door at regular intervals, screaming my name. It felt like they were all part of a dream.

I hadn't shed a tear, me, that cries over andrex adverts. For those days, I lay on the bed and didn't move. I didn't move to got to the toilet, I didn't move when I had to hurl, vomit rising from my empty stomach, I didn't move to drink or eat. I just stayed there, in my own filth, but I didn't cry.

In one of the rare conscious moments I had, I was aware of someone lifting me up, my own stench hitting me like a ton of bricks. The next thing I remember I was in a hospital, my mother, my father, Tokunbo and Labake all hovering nervously. I was missing a face, the most important face, and then I remembered. I cried like the whole world was going to end, I cried like my tears had an expiry date. I cried like I have never cried before or since. I cried until I could cry no more. I shunned the hugs of my mother and my father, they that rejected him, rejected me. It was Labakes bosom that finally muffled my tears and turned them into whimpers. I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was labake that was there, she explained that my folks were outside and that they wanted her to tell me that they were there if I needed them. I twas hard for me to process anything. Labake told me that I could leave if I wanted to. I went back to hers.

the next few days, i was consumed by dark thoughts, thoughts that I have only shared shared with one person. I contemplated killing myself, the desire to end my pain was overwhelming. I even took a tube to mile end, hotspot for banker suicides, I looked at the train tracks and wondered how painful It would be. I decided that while the pain would be unimaginable, it couldn't be worse than what i was going through at that moment and it would be over in a jiffy. I psyched myself up. The timer said the next train would be arriving in 1 minute.

I edged closer, wondering if I would feel my bones as the were being crushed under the train or if I would already be dead, I wondered if God would hold it against me, surely He realised that this pain was too much for me to bear. was he not the one that promised that he would never give me more than I could handle? He had not kept up His side of the bargain. A million thoughts ran through my head and I looked at the train timer, still displaying 1 minute. One minute in train time s is probably 5 in real time, but that day, it felt like forever.

There was some commotion behind me and I turned to see what was going on. It was two hooligans/children of nowadays in a full blown brawl. I looked for about a second and turned back to the task at hand. As my gaze turned to the tracks, it was obstructed by the train that was sitting firmly on it, complete with passengers, How did I miss my slot? I should be in a painless nonexistence by now. The thought pf re-pscyhing myself up was a little more than I could bear and I went back to Labake's

That night I went on my knees and cursed God, I called Him every name in the book, I blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in the world, for the wars, for the floods, for the famines, for Seun. And I cried.

2 days later, I woke up to find a business card for a grief counsellor next to my bed. Labake had written, 'call her please.' I looked at the card, it was made from cheap card, not the fancy kind I was used to receiving. I put it back where I had found it and got out of the bed. My dark thoughts still followed me around for the rest of the day. I weighed different options of taking my own life and none seemed doable. Where would I get a gun from, the force with which I would have to stab myself to cause serious harm is is probably more than I could muster up, and even then there was no guarantee....

That night I had a dream, I was at Seun's wedding, in the front row. As the priest started the ceremony, the brides dress started to melt away, underneath there was nothing, but I was the only one who could see that there was nothing, the priest continued the ceremony and pronounced them man and wife. I woke up and called the counsellor.

I tell you this just so that you can understand that you don't understand.

So that you realise that I am being the best me that I can be

I am battling my own demons

But I care about you and dont want to lose you,

My pride is begging me not to pick up the phone and dial your number, yet I do. You dont pick up. Am I not the same girl whose calls you said brightened up your day, whose calls once made you miss a flight because you just didnt want to hang up.

Pick up, please.

Friday, 11 July 2008

2 Months on. Tsk Tsk.

This is really becoming a bad habit- I deserve a spanking (Any takers?)

These last few months have been eventful, where does one start….. Moved to Abu Dhabi, I am finally enjoying the Middle East. There is H&M and everything. Moving was such sweet joy. Didn’t realise how unhappy I was until I was leaving. Gosh, may I never make such a drastic and impulsive decision again, Oh wait, Isn't that what I am kinda doing now? But its definitely out of the fire back into the frying pan, than the other way around, I can dress how I like, drink what I like. Sweet freedom

So I told Brown that I loved him. I didn’t mean to, He didn’t say it first or anything, it just came out. Brown is a Mr Fix It. Whatever the problem; he just has a knack for solving things. I say I am tired of my location but there are no available positions anywhere else in my company- He makes a few calls and I’m on my way to Abu Dhabi. I say I moving will be a nightmare- He organises my move so all I have to do is pack my clothes (and only because he didn’t want some pervy mover sniffing through my unmentionables) Even problems that are beyond his super-powers, Take for instance the time when I had period pains that were so bad that I was curled up in the foetal position all day, He went out and bought a hot water bottle and a duck feather??? With the hot water bottle on my lower back he stroked my upper back with the feather until I fell asleep. I slept for 8hrs straight and when I woke up, I felt so much better.

It’s so bad now that I call him automatically without trying to see if I can solve my own problems. I told him I was getting dependent on him; he said that was his master plan.

Anyway, we were in Chicago, me for a conference, Him for the sake of it. It was my mums birthday on the same day-a Thursday, and I had totally forgotten. At around 6, I remembered. Trying not to panic I called toks to ask him to add my name to the present he bought. Toks’s phone was going to voicemail. 7pm- Still going to voicemail. I remembered that he said he was going to Angola. My poor mum, two of her kids away, and knowing toks, out of sight is definitely out of mind.

Brown bounded into the hotel room and crashed the party for two that misery and I were having. After a 2 minute, what is wrong conversation and a leave it with me reassurance, I bade Misery farewell knowing that my mum would get at the very least a beautiful bunch of flowers.

Two hours later, my mum rings me and starts chastising me, “why are you wasting your money” “My extravagant daughter”. From the conversation with my mum I get the gist- Brown got someone to buy an extremely expensive LV bag that my mum has been eying for 2 months. She mentions the bag to all who will hear and then when asked if she wants us to buy it, she vehemently refuses and forbids us- and continues telling every one that will listen about the bag.

She was almost in tears and I could tell that she was ecstatic. I would never in a million yrs have bought that bag, not just because of the 1.8k price tag, but because it was an extremely ugly bag. But just hearing the joy in her voice, made me want to buy her the bag all over again. In one “Brown” move, I had gone from inconsiderate child to the best daughter in the world. I remember pointing the bag out to Brown, in a fleeting moment, certainly not enough for him to remember the make or indeed the bag, Like I said- Brown is Mr Fix It (Complete with super powers)

When Brown came back I jumped on him and after showering him with kisses, said I love you. It just came out. I didn’t mean to say it.

“Do you?”

I changed the subject and he didn’t push it.

Ooh, lemme tell you guys what happened to me last month-

Brown and I went t o a very small Italian restaurant by Camden Lock. There was one female toilet and one male. Anyway, after having a bottle of wine and some dodgy pasta, my tummy began to make some funny noises. I excused myself and went in search of the toilet. It was only after doing my business that I realised that there was no tissue. If there had been more than 1 toilet I would have scuttled off to the next one to find some tissue. So I waited… (No bag no phone) And waited, imprisoned by a lack of tissue and embarrassed at having done my “business” in a public toilet.

After about 15 minutes (hours in my head), Brown came and knocked on the door.

“T, are you okay, you’ve been in there for a while”

I wanted to die. Damn restaurant staff causing me such embarrassment
Damn me for not checking to make sure. Oh ground, swallow me, please.

I said I was okay. He asked again, I replied the same.

2 minutes later, a lady staff member comes into the toilet and knocks, you okay in there,

Of course I am not, I have been held hostage by a lack of toilet paper, what do you think.!!!!

“No” I answered meekly, grateful for the reprieve. After explaining the predicament, she went away and came back with a roll of precious paper.

I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Randy Pausch et al

Damn, Has it really been 2 months?

I seem to be having a problem sitting still, its not that I don't have anything to say, It's just that I can't sit still long enough to finish a post! I have 5 "drafts" which I started at different points in the last two months and just abandoned. I am going to attempt to merge them into one (hopefully coherent) post.

Randy Pausch

For those of you who have not heard this name before, he is a professor at Carnegie Mellon who has pancreatic cancer and has been told he has a limited time left. Anyway, Randy gave his "last lecture" to a room full of his friends, colleagues and students. Go to you tube, type his name in and watch it, It s 76 mins long but its a valuable lecture- I promise.

Good Time Guy

Okay ladies, you know that one guy in your life, that every one swears likes you but you aren't so sure, especially as he hasn't made any concrete moves? I say concrete because once in a while you catch him looking longingly at you or he leans in a little too much. Well he most definitely does fancy you!!

Just in case you cannot recognise him, lemme describe him in a little more detail. He is that friend that offers to be you and your friend's designated driver because he doesn't drink even though you are more than happy to hail a cab. The guy that quite happily foots the bill for all of you to get drunk and then take your hungry asses to Chinatown to soak up the alcohol. He is the first one you think of when you are at a loss of what to do or maybe when you need someone to go to the cinema with.

And every single time without exception, after each non-date, you gush obliviously "thank you so much, I had a good time?" If you have ever thanked the same guy more than twice using these words and he is not significant, in the only way significant can be interpreted in this context, then he is a good-time guy.

Guys, a free lesson: You do not want to be a good time guy. Its worse than being a friend, At least a friend has the possibility of a promotion to the "we were drunk and had sex" stage. A good time guy on the other hand will only ever be a good time guy. If a girl has thanked you for a good time more than twice and you have not made your intentions clear, then you are a good time guy.

I recently had a conversation with a guy that went a little something like this, I was a little tipsy at the time so I cannot remember half of it, bear with me. It was after a night out during a fleeting visit to London. I called up my ever ready musketeers and we hit the town. This guy who I never paid much mind except to acknowledge that he was a nice guy was also there.

We talked for a bit about the usual jazz, the credit crunch, labours lack of punch, Obama: a token or not etc. He change d the pace of the conversation and asked if I was in town for business or family. I told him that I was in town to see my boyfriend and he went silent. And I don't mean monosyllables, I mean dead silent. After about 30secs I broke the silence

Are you okay?

How come you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend

That because I didn't

So how long have you been seeing him

Not long at all




Okay, so what where we saying....

So I guess I am just your good-time guy?


I am sorry what?

I am the guy at whose expense you have a good time but that's it right?

I felt so guilty, because I have had a good time at his expense.

If I hadn't been overly enthusiastic with the alcohol I would have told him the same thing I am telling you but my mind works a lot slower in alcohol related situations.

If you don't make your intentions clear, then you really cannot blame a babe. We cannot read minds. Don't hint, spit it out.

In Case of Emergency Break Glass

Okay, the last bit was aimed at the boyz, here is a lil something for the gals. You know that little red display that say "in case of emergency please break glass?" You find them on trains, tubes, hospitals schools etc. Well, we all kinda know that they are there but we never really pay attention to it. However, if there was a fire, it would be a while different story.

Ladies, we most certainly do not want to be any guys "in case of emergency break glass" girl. That's a girl that a guy doesn't pay attention to but then in an emergency (in this context, emergency has no dangerous connotations) he breaks the glass or calls her up or hooks up with her.

Most times these guys are guys that emergency babes really like and they tolerate the behaviour just hoping that he will one day wake up and realise that she is the love of his life. Pah! Sorry but I am going to have to burst that bubble very sharpishly. An emergency babe is worse than a booty call, Because a booty call is a regular occurrence. An emergency babe is the babe he calls when wifey, the bit on the side and the booty call are unavailable and he cannot be bothered to DIY.

I was on the phone to a my cousin very recently and halfway through the conversation, he cut me off saying that he had to call his in case of emergency break glass girl. His words not mine.
I called him back immediately, curious about this metaphor. His explanation was a lot more crude and unforgiving than mine. In that conversation I was reminded just how prickish guys can be.

So I decided to share, If you like a guy and he only ever calls you once in a blue moon and only for one thing then you are an emergency girl. Cut him off. If however there are no feelings involved, you are a grown ass woman, do you.

Brown is not Seun

I have to tell myself this on a regular basis, because I find myself comparing them all the time and Seun always comes out on top. It got so bad that one time I actually voiced this comparison during a disagreement. Every one has told me what I am sure you guys will also say. He is not Seun, give him a chance, Its easy for Seun to come out on top, you have put him on a pedastal.

On the other hand, I like being with Brown, when I am not comparing him and sabotaging whatever it is we have.

*Sorry I stayed away so long.

Monday, 31 March 2008

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

I was waiting for a friend during a fleeting visit to NY when I saw her.

My friend was 30 mins late,

those that know me know that 10 mins is unacceptable but 30!

I really wanted to see this friend,

if not I would have left.

I ordered an espresso and tried not to get annoyed. I

smelt her before I saw her,

she walked right passed me and she smelt of spring.

Fresh, sweet, flowers in bloom.

And so I turned just to see, as you do.

My heart stilled when I saw her

Never have I seen such amazing beauty

Her eyes, oh her eyes.

They were big and beautiful

I was aware that I was staring

but an earthquake wouldn't have torn my gaze from this creature.

Her hair was long, beautiful big curls

That shaped her face like a frame

making her beauty more apparent

If that was at all possible

Her figure was a joy to behold,

She was neither skinny nor fat

Blessed with curves were curves should be

She was beauitiful, that she was

I watched her as if mesmerised

As she spoke, I watched men and women alike fall under her spell

She laughed but I was too far away to hear here

She threw her head back and rubbed her hands together, so animated was she

She was drinking a latte, at least I think it was a latte

She licked her lips and I was suddenly aware of how it felt to be a man

And to watch a woman weave a web of desire and intoxicating adoration over her prey

She must have felt me looking because she suddenly turned towards me.

My heart stilled but I couldn't look away.

She smiled, her beautiful pearls blinding me for a split second.

I wanted to smile back but she had turned way.

She was wearing a jacket and I guess the she was getting hot because she took it of

Her skin was caramel, unblemished

I noticed she was wearing an engagement ring

And I wondered how any man was able to capture her heart

Tinu, Tinu,

Was I dreaming or was she calling my name

No, It was my friend, not only late but rudely awakening me from my reverie.

I reluctantly averted my gaze to my friend who although beautiful in her own right, paled in comparison.

Saturday, 29 March 2008

How I Spent My Easter Weekend

I know there are a few people who will say I told you so, but the novelty of Riyadh is wearing thin. The constant need to cover up outside the compound (which is kinda like an estate, or a little village) is annoying and in the blistering heat too. furthermore there is no alcohol and one needs to do some James Bond moves to get a glass of wine. Ah, the days of walking into any corner shop and just picking up a bottle of (insert favourite alcoholic beverage here).

But the pros outweigh the cons, cost of living is negligible as is tax, It definitely beats dashing her Majesty a huge chunk of my sweat and blood.

I was in the UK over Easter weekend and I drank like it was going out of fashion. Barely had one bottle finished, and I would signal for another. The friends I was with watched in amazement as I downed 3 bottles of wine with amazing ease.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I had dinner on Easter Sunday at my parents and my heart was not heavy for the first time in a long time. all the reasons why we were not as we should seemed to fade away and i was just really glad to see them. My dad seemed older somehow, that scared me. it was a lovely dinner, there was a lot of genuine laughter, no awkward silences and my dad even referred to my brother's girlfriend by her name. He had called her "that girl" for so long that I had begun to doubt whether the man even knew her name.

After dinner my dad asked me to make him coffee, he always used to tell his friends that I made the best coffee in the world. I don't know what I did differently; hot water, coffee, sugar, no milk. I hadn't made him coffee in ages. As he sipped the coffee, with the usual ceremony of blowing then sipping, blowing then sipping, he asked me how I was. I told him about the heat rash I had developed on my back that seemed determined to buy a mortgage and set up home there. I told him about the my smelly boss, I told him about Mr arrogant and the lousy date, I told him about my fears that I made an impulsive move.

As I talked, I watched his eyes light up, his booming laugh as I picked the adjectives to describe my boss, as I told him about Mr Arrogant. He kept my gaze and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my dad, memories that I didn't even know I had came flooding back.

I asked him if he remembered how my brother and I called my mum honey when we were young because that was what he called her too. They kept trying to correct us but it took a while. Or the time I got locked in the toilet on his birthday because I had thought it was a good idea to lock the door and flush the key down the toilet; I was two. As we laughed, I heard my mum laughing, as I turned to look see what was going on, I saw here gently caress Tokunbo's face. It felt like the angel of God had passed over our home and made it whole again.

As I kissed my dad goodnight, I whispered "I love you daddy" in his ears, words I wasn't sure I would ever be able to say again. I couldn't explain it, it seemed like someone had rewound time and removed all the hurt and then fast forwarded it to the present time.

I spent bank holiday Monday with Mr Brown. he cooked me dinner and it was amazing. I kept looking for signs that it wasn't homemade, If it wasn't he hid it pretty well. After dinner, we curled up on the sofa and caught up.

"Eni has been calling me" he just blurts out. Eni is a friend of mine, we aren't all that closed but when one of my friends pulled out of the skiing weekend, i found someone to fill in just so the ticket did't go to waste. Eni was the only one available on short notice.

"Really" I answered, painfully aware that the green eyed monster was rearing its ugly head. "I didn't even know she had your number"

"She invited me round for dinner"


I turned my attention to the television, not wanting my body language to betray how I was feeling. Did I have any reason to be jealous? Was I just being a dog in a manger? But how dare that heffer just muscle in like that!

"So is that all you are going to say", he asks.

"What do you want me to say" I reply.

"Aren't you in the least bit curious to know if I accepted her invitation?"

"Did you ?" I asked

"No" he replied.

"Good" I answered, it just came out. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye and then he reached out and pulled me into his arms.

"you too dey pose" I laughed, more so because his accent did not suit the broken English. He smelt like my dad, aftershave and menthol. I snuggled closer.

I had no expectations for my bank holiday weekend, but it turned out to be pretty darn good.

Friday, 14 March 2008

My Boss Smells!!

What do you do when your boss smells like stale beer, old cigarettes and questionable personal hygiene. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to liaise so frequently. He is so comfortable with me that he on occasion reaches over my shoulder to point out various things, which I never remember because I am trying so hard not to gag.

It really is that bad. I am so tired of it. I am surprised it is not a topic of discussion as he is quite hands on and I am sure I am not the only one who has an issue this.

The guy is really nice, mid forties, not bad looking and married!!! I would never let my enemy leave the house smelling like that, let alone my husband.

I know I can't say anything but I am dying from these different aromas that by boss has deemed me worthy of sharing!!

Monday, 10 March 2008

50 Red Roses

So two days after my conversation with Mr arrogant's and my mutual friend, I got the most amazing bouquet of roses. There were about 50. I smiled. I figured they were from Mr Brown who although his visits were few and far between, did little things like this to let me know he was thinking of me.I couldn't find a card anywhere.

I sent him a text to say thank you and that the flowers were lovely. He sent me one back almost immediately.

"I am sure they are lovely, but I didn't send them"

So who did? T'was a mystery, my love life is non existent, there wasn't really any names to consider. I decided to leave my little mystery until after work.

I am not sure how the white paper amongst the red caught my eye but it did, the card was so far down that I scratched myself trying to get it. It read

"Do Over?, Mr Arrogant" . I almost hissed. Nonsense. Is that meant to be an apology? I ignored it.

3 days later I get call from His Majesty himself.

So how about it?

No hello, no nothing.

How about what

A do over. I assume you got the flowers

Yes I did, thank you.


So what....

Are you open to the idea of a do over or not.


Why do I want one?

No, Why should I give you a second chance.

He clears his throat. Silence.

I am not asking for another chance, I just feel that maybe neither of us were at our best and if we gave it another shot, I mean, who knows. By all accounts you are an interesting women. I guess I didn't see that.

I hissed (yes I did)

I don't know if it was down to the fact that it was 8am on a day when I had promised myself I was going to hibernate until noon, or because I had PMT and all the pains that come with it, but I just didn't have the patience that was required to be graceful to Mr A.

"The only reason that you feel like I talk too little is because you talk too much. The only reason you felt like I wasn't very interesting is because I spent most of the date wishing it would end as opposed to trying to engage you. I find you arrogant, rude and quite frankly I would not put myself through that torture again."


He clears his throat,

"I guess that's a no then"

I had to laugh, of course it was a no.

I can't be all bad if I make you laugh, Can I?

I guess not. Listen, I am going to have to go, I am supposed to be somewhere and I need to get ready (lie)

So what if I promised to shut up and let you do all the talking.

Err, Hell No...

I would gave to check my diary, I don't know I ...

Stop trying to fob me off. I know you think I am an arrogant prick. At least I am trying.

The only reason you are trying is because somebody has told you that the impression you have of me is wrong, so you want to find out for yourself. I am not trying to be rude or disregard your effort but I believe that the impression I have of you is the right one.

Am I really that bad?




What was the straw that broke the camels back?


Why are you so adamant that you won't try again?

I think what did it for me was trying to get me to come home with you. I couldn't believe the gall.

I cannot apologise for finding you attractive.

I didn't ask you to

Give a guy a break. Jesus! What do you want me to do, rewind time.

Give up.

Its not in my nature


Okay you'll go out with me again?


At this point, I was getting a call from my mum and I literally rushed him off the phone.

Later on in the day, I get a call from Mr Brown. He asks how I am etc. Then he asks if I found out who sent the flowers. I said yes. He asked who they were from. I told him.

The thing with Mr Brown and I is that distance became a hindering factor before we had passed the "getting to know you" phase. As a result, that phase is extremely drawn out.

He didn't say anything about the flowers after that, but the conversation got stilted and awkward. I knew he was sulking but I wasn't sure if he had a right to. I ignored the sulking.

He says that he was going to come over for a few days, but he is not sure if I am going to have time. I ignore this dig as well.

I can't be bothered with all this dating palava, its is so petty and draining.

Friday, 22 February 2008

So I'm a Lousy First Date

I was out walking a few weeks ago and I bumped, quite literally into a tall and very handsome Nigerian man. It was so nice to see a fellow Nigerian that I forgot all the usual airs and graces. After we established our Nationalities, we talked for a minute. The usual what do you do, why Saudi, etc. Then he asked for my number, I gave it to him, I also gave him my email address. What may seem forward for a normal situation seemed the natural thing to do under the circumstances.

So he called me the next day and said we should go to dinner. I was excited. Something to do! On the day, I started wondering, is this a date? or just two fellow Nigerians hooking up? I wore a black dress, you can never go wrong in black. He was 15mins late in picking me up. I know 15mins is not a big deal but he didn't even apologise for being late.

We get to the restaurant and it's this quaint little pizzeria that I found quite endearing. fine dining it was not but it was warm and cosy and gave us the chance to talk. This guy spent the whole time talking talking about how rich he was and how hard he works and how girls throw themselves at him (I swear!!) He didn't even try and get to know me and I just kept staring at him wondering if it was really possible for anyone to talk nonstop for so long without stopping to breathe.

After a while, he notices that I have hardly said a word and says " you are a quiet one aren't you?"

I didnt know quite what to say, quiet? er not quite, maybe if you had let me get a word in edge ways, maybe if you weren't so self obsessed. maybe.

I just nodded in agreement. I looked at my watch, had it really only been 30 mins? I groaned inwardly. I decided to make a conscious effort. Maybe he was just trying to impress me. Maybe if i let him know that he doesn't have to try so hard. I take a deep breath.

You know, it is always nice to see a self assured man, especially at your age.

Mhmm, I have always been confident, some call it arrogance but you don't get where I am by being timid.

How is Saudi, I am still finding my feet.

Its the same as all the other cities in the world, if you are rich, girls want you. I am so bored with women I tell you


What is your 10 yr plan?

Er, its kinda hard to answer that question, I really don't know, Depends on where I find myself, I would definitely like to work for....

No I mean, marriage etc. You must have a plan. Don't tell me that you are just working on your career.

At this point he cocks his eyebrow in a way that made me want to slap that smirk of his face.

Well, I guess I am. Man proposes and all that.

That is bullshit and you know it (excuse me?) you women forget that having kids has an expiry date

Can we change the subject please


Because I am in danger of forgetting my manners and poking your eyes out you arrogant prick.

Because I don't really think I need to justify myself to a man I just met.

He silently watches me for a second.

Then he continues his rant about his rolls Royce or his many employees who drive him round the bend. As my eyes were starting to glaze over he mentions a name I recognise. A friend of mine, I perked up, but i had missed what he said. Could he really be friends with my sweet, kind hearted gentlemanly friend. I wanted to casually ask but he looked like he was ready to go and I was grateful that the ordeal was wrapping up.

As he pulled up to my house, he made no effort to open the door, so as I reached for the door, he held my hand.

Don't go, why don't you come back to mine, my housekeeper made a lovely tiramisu.

No thanks, couldn't eat another bit.

So come back for coffee

No thanks


I almost laughed in his face but my mother raised a polite munchkin. Instead, I just yanked the door open. As I did, he leaned into me as if to kiss me. I ducked and got out the car. As he drove off, I looked on in amazement.

A couple of days later, I called our mutual friend and casually brought up Mr arrogant.

"Oh, no way!"!

"No way what," I asked

"Are you the lousy first date?"


"He said he had a date with a girl who didn't say two words, so much so that he began to doubt her ability to string sentences together."


I started to laugh,

"What is funny. Is it you?"

"Yep", I answered, "I guess I am a lousy date."

Monday, 28 January 2008

Reply All!

I am sure we have all been there.....

So its Mr Brown's birthday in a few weeks, he decided that he wanted to have a skiing weekend. So he sent me an email inviting me.The thought of spending a whole weekend with Mr Brown and his leery friends was more than I could bear and I told him as much. "Bring a couple of friends" he suggested. I thought about it, It would be nice to see my friends.

So I sent them an email inviting them on behalf of Mr Brown, I sent the invite to Mr Brown, just so that he could bear witness to me trying to recruit erm, I meant invite, some backup, I mean friends for his drunken weekend, I mean birthday.

Anyway, they sent a polite email back to us (i.e Brown and I ) asking what kind of costs they would incur etc. Brown emailed back to say that as they were his guest he would take care of it. In the meantime, my friends were emailing me on the sly, as we do. Asking what the story was, they knew who Mr Brown was, they just didn't realise that we were on a "spending a weekend together" level.

When they got Browns email about the costs, they emailed him an appropriate email, saying thank you for the invitation and that they would RSVP as soon as they could. The email they sent to me was more hooray, who no like free thing!

Anyway, we started a conversation about Brown, in which I proceeded to tell them how he had surprised me a week ago by coming over. How he helped me unpack the stuff that I "kept meaning to unpack", insisted on paying for my television which he argued was a housewarming present. I told them about how we went to dinner and how I kept wishing the weekend wouldn't end so he wouldn't have to leave. I am unsure how much of this was real and how much was simply home sickness. Anyway after that, we have spoken pretty much every day.

I don't know if it is the same with every one but I have a couple of friends that I can tell everything and unfortunately I just happened to be emailing these particular friends. I tell them how being close to him feels comfortable; like an old jumper and how his laugh reminds me of Seun's laugh which makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I tell them how every time he leans in to kiss my cheek I am willing him to kiss my lips but relieved when he doesn't.

My friends are extremely pro-Brown but I get the feeling that they will be Pro-the grim reaper if it means I actually go on a date. They tell me its natural to feel this way and that I am just reconciling with the fact that I am moving on. I tell them about a dream I had where I was getting married to Seun but my dress was red and when it came time to say I do, I burst in to tears and legged it down the aisle. I tell them how I can't shake the feeling that I am betraying Seun, replacing Seun.

The conversation continued and we were having a simultaneous conversation with Brown. You know the kind.... "Tinu's told me so much about you girls, I look forward to meeting you... blah blah blah.

Then Tosin sends us an email "err did you mean to send that email to ALL of us"? What email? All of who? It turns out that my best friend decided to hit reply all instead of sending a message to us 2. I froze. Maybe it wasn't all that bad, I open the email and scroll down and down and down. By the time I had re read all the stuff we had said, including Labake's "I bet he has a firm ass, did you do a ass brush to check comment", I felt myself let out the breath I hadn't realised that I was holding. Damage control, he may not have read it yet. I recalled the email and waited..... and waited.....

What seemed like ages later, a response "the email could not be recalled as the recipient has already opened the email" Shit! Okay maybe he didn't scroll down, I mean: who really scrolls down, you just read the email that's on top. Right? Right?

The thing is Brown would never acknowledge having read that email, unless I asked. And if I ask, if he hadn't read it, then whats stopping him from reading it? I feel like I am playing poker with translucent cards. My friends think its kinda amusing. I think I need new friends.

But seriously though, I feel like he know exactly how I feel, my fears my wants etc. Its not fair. I need to read his journal or something. Level the playing field.

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Chivalry vs. Chauvinism

Happy New Year my people, I hope the new year is shaping up to be spectacular....

For me, I have to say that this new year is shaping up to be a challenge, Not just a new country but a new way of life and a new way of thinking. It's ironic that I rarely ever saw my family while I was in London, but I miss them now.

Sorry I went a little AWOL, but moving is stress like no other. And when I got here, there was no grace period, it was nose on the grindstone from the word go. But that is no excuse, so I will try to be a little more consistent this year.

So back to my blog title...........................................................................

In my new team, I am the only woman, nothing new here, I am used to being the only woman in a lot of situations. But at least in the U.K, I only needed to look around to see my sisters in various other teams around me, but not here, women are generally relegated to back office roles and admin positions. A member of my team kindly informed me that the general consensus is that I only got the gig because I know someone. Its the most infuriating position to be in, This is the 21st century, is it not?

Ok, now that I have vented, I have to say this cloud has a very massive silver lining. The men here are the most chivalrous men, I can't even remember the last time I had to reach for my purse or ope my own door. Its the most amazing thing ever. Guys in the Uk. do behave chivalrously, but it is exaggerated, as if to say I don't do this all the time, only for you. For the guys here, it does appear to be second nature.

I could definitely get used to being treated like this, but I feel like I have to object, I can still see the face of last guy who tried to open the door for me as I side stepped him and waved him in. Horror! But the truth is that this chivalry morphs into chauvinism and it would be hypocritical of me to enjoy the good bits and moan about the bad.

So I guess I cannot in all fairness enjoy free dinners, drinks. open doors etc unless I am prepared to adopt an all together more subservient role. As well......

I wrote a different post but when it came to crunch, I couldn't post it, so I wrote this instead. Maybe next post.