Thursday, 20 September 2007


Yesterday's joy has become today's pain
Memories I celebrated I now mourn
You died but it was me that stopped living
Convinced that my existence was impossible without you
Laughing fills me with such guilt
How dare I laugh when my love cannot hear me
My love died but it was me that stopped living
Convinced that happiness and me had parted ways for always
I catch myself sometimes forgetting about you
For a second or a minute, Its just me.
Did I die with you?
Am I still living?

The time has come for me to make a choice,
Living like I am dead is killing me
I love you and I always will
But you died Papa; And not me.
2 years and counting, they say the pain gets easier. Bullshit.
They say it gets easier, but only when you let go
Let go of my baby... Never
They say you let go when you passed away
Now its my turn

I am letting go Papa.

Thank you for loving me


Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Dear Seun

I have left this for as long as I possibly can. The letter that will ultimately be the hardest letter I will ever have to write. The date is burned in my heart. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was having lunch with Wale, the only one of my ex's that provoked (very irrational) feelings of jealousy in you. Wale was my first real boyfriend and the fact that he was the first man in my bed was very hard for you to swallow. That coupled with the fact that we never really broke up and I didn't have any "he's a bastard stories" to tell about him, made Wale one of your least favourite topics. But we were still friends, both in loving relationships and both very content.

It was your mother's 50th birthday and you had gone home for the celeberations. Wale called me and told me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. I wasn't surprised. It had been a long time coming. "I need some advice, Can you come ring shopping with me?" He asked. I was flattered and a bit surprised. I was not sure his girl would appreciate a ring picked out by her partner's ex. I said yes though, I was bored and didn't really have anything to do. We arranged to meet up the next day for lunch.

You called later in the evening and during the conversation I told you I was going to help Wale pick out a ring. You fell silent for a minute and when I asked what the matter was...

"Tinu don't you think it is inappropriate, are you trying to tell me that he had no one else that he could have asked."

"Seun what is the issue here, that he still wants me? because proposing to his girlfriend is a sure fire way to pave the way for a romantic reconciliation between the two of us."

"Don't be stupid Tinuke, you know what I mean. Why you, "

"Because we are friends Papa for God sake and this conversation is really a waste of time. I agreed to help him and I will. "

"So my feelings don't come into this ...... Why do I bother? Do what you want. I don't have the energy to argue. My stomach feels like someone is poking it with hot needles and my girlfriend is going on a date with her ex. Goodnight."

And with that, you dropped the phone. I sighed. I hated when we argued. Then the anger of being made to feel guilty when I had nothing to feel guilty for started to grow. I shrugged of the niggling feeling in the back of my head and settled down to watch televison.

Till the day I die, I will forever be grateful to Gbovo. An hour later, Gbovo came round. He wanted to collect the keys to your car and in searching for the keys I found a little post it that said I love you. It made me smile because I remembered the day that you wrote it. Had Gbovo not called round, I would not have called you back, my determination to make my point seemed irrelevant somehow.

"Papa, you said your tummy was hurting," I said as you picked up, "Is it better?"

"No", you groaned, "I think it is something I ate. It happened the last time I was home. It'll pass." You replied.

"Kpele," I said. "Papa, I love you and I don't know why me seeing Wale makes you mad but If it upsets you this much then I will tell him I can't make it."

I could feel your smile through the phone.

"Baby go, I was being silly but I am over it. Besides his girl is pretty hot too."



"Goodnight, Feel Better."



"I love you too."

"I know."

And so I came to be having lunch with my ex, he was in the middle of telling me about his extremely extravagant proposal ideas, and I was wondering whether it was a coincidence that the two most serious relationships I had had were with extremely romantic men. And then my world fell apart.

It started with a phone call. It was a Nigerian mobile number, I assumed it was you. It wasn't.

The person at the other end was crying. At that moment my heart stilled. I recognised the voice. It was your sister. Tears started to pour down my face even before she had said a word. I still don't know why I cried. I just did.

"Aramide, calm down. what is the matter. Is it Seun." But she kept crying. "Aramide please tell me what is wrong." and then the line went dead. I dialled straight back. In retrospect I wish I hadn't been in such a haste to ring back, to burst my happy little bubble.


"Tinuke, Seun is dead. Seun is dead Seun is dead. Seun is dead"

I am not sure how many times she said it or if those words were echoing in my head but that's all I kept hearing. Until I heard a scream. It shook me out of my reverie, It was then I noticed Wale. Who screamed, was it me, Seun is dead Seun is dead.

Tinuke? Tinuke? I looked at Wale but the words were not coming from his lips. They were coming from my phone. Aramide. I had forgotten Aramide. Seun is dead Seun is dead


"Tinuke, his appendix burst, every one thought he had food poioning like last year. By the time we realised it was serious it was too late."

Too late for what?

To late to save you.

I don't remember much after that but I remember thinking that If I hadn't rang you back, the last words we said to each other would have been in anger. The last thing you said to me was that you love me.

I love you too Papa.

Now and Always