Saturday, 11 August 2007

The lie I told, The thing I did.

So I was very focused on my career, I wanted to make a name for myself, be independent. Having a mother whose husband told her how to think, feel and act, further fed my motivation to be my own person. Why am I saying all this? I know it sounds like justification for something, well papa, it is. I promised myself that I would be very honest in these letters and as much as I would rather take this to my grave, I need to tell you the truth.

It was around the time when I had just gotten a new job, I was happy. My earning potential was double what it had been 12 months previous, I was living with the man I loved, I felt at peace. My parents were still not talking to me but I had accepted it. God granted me the wisdom to accept that which I couldn't change.

Anyway, I woke up one morning and felt a little nauseous, I thought nothing of it. In tesco's, I almost fainted and you looked really worried. "You have been a bit tired lately, maybe you should book an appointment with your GP", I brushed it off and put it down to the stress of having a new job and having to assimilate myself into a new team. But there was a niggling doubt at the back of my mind.

The next day, on the way back from work I bought a pregnancy test. When I got home, you were not there. I rushed to the bathroom to take the test. My mind was doing a marathon. I calmed my self down enough to ensure that some of the pee got on the stick and waited.... It seemed like an eternity. The stick told me what I already suspected.

I didn't want to have a baby, I was not ready to play Russian roulette with my child's health . I guess when it came down to it, I had talked the talk, I just wasn't ready to walk the walk. I knew that you would see it as being out of our hands. I felt like the world was conspiring against me.

I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat, wrapped the test and the packet in a plastic bag and took it to the bin in the front of the house. I still didn't know what I wanted to do but I needed time to think.

You came home a little while later and life was back to normal, you, me and no baby. We were watching television when you went to the bathroom, nothing unusual there. When you came pout, you had this puzzled look on your face, I looked in your hand and in it was the pamphlet that came with the pregnancy test. Shit! "Are we pregnant?" you asked as you cocked your head to one side.

So much for having time to think about it,

I looked you straight in the eye and said "no, false alarm"

Papa, I know that I owe you big time for this. I know that your mouth has dropped and you are now questioning how many other lies I told, how many other decisions I cut you out of, Papa, it was only this one. I know that it in no way makes up for what I did, and if I could do it over again, I would have told you the truth, I would have given you the chance to have a say. I am sorry.

Still Yours