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I am sure we have all been there.....

So its Mr Brown's birthday in a few weeks, he decided that he wanted to have a skiing weekend. So he sent me an email inviting me.The thought of spending a whole weekend with Mr Brown and his leery friends was more than I could bear and I told him as much. "Bring a couple of friends" he suggested. I thought about it, It would be nice to see my friends.

So I sent them an email inviting them on behalf of Mr Brown, I sent the invite to Mr Brown, just so that he could bear witness to me trying to recruit erm, I meant invite, some backup, I mean friends for his drunken weekend, I mean birthday.

Anyway, they sent a polite email back to us (i.e Brown and I ) asking what kind of costs they would incur etc. Brown emailed back to say that as they were his guest he would take care of it. In the meantime, my friends were emailing me on the sly, as we do. Asking what the story was, they knew who Mr Brown was, they just didn't realise that we were on a "spending a weekend together" level.

When they got Browns email about the costs, they emailed him an appropriate email, saying thank you for the invitation and that they would RSVP as soon as they could. The email they sent to me was more hooray, who no like free thing!

Anyway, we started a conversation about Brown, in which I proceeded to tell them how he had surprised me a week ago by coming over. How he helped me unpack the stuff that I "kept meaning to unpack", insisted on paying for my television which he argued was a housewarming present. I told them about how we went to dinner and how I kept wishing the weekend wouldn't end so he wouldn't have to leave. I am unsure how much of this was real and how much was simply home sickness. Anyway after that, we have spoken pretty much every day.

I don't know if it is the same with every one but I have a couple of friends that I can tell everything and unfortunately I just happened to be emailing these particular friends. I tell them how being close to him feels comfortable; like an old jumper and how his laugh reminds me of Seun's laugh which makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I tell them how every time he leans in to kiss my cheek I am willing him to kiss my lips but relieved when he doesn't.

My friends are extremely pro-Brown but I get the feeling that they will be Pro-the grim reaper if it means I actually go on a date. They tell me its natural to feel this way and that I am just reconciling with the fact that I am moving on. I tell them about a dream I had where I was getting married to Seun but my dress was red and when it came time to say I do, I burst in to tears and legged it down the aisle. I tell them how I can't shake the feeling that I am betraying Seun, replacing Seun.

The conversation continued and we were having a simultaneous conversation with Brown. You know the kind.... "Tinu's told me so much about you girls, I look forward to meeting you... blah blah blah.

Then Tosin sends us an email "err did you mean to send that email to ALL of us"? What email? All of who? It turns out that my best friend decided to hit reply all instead of sending a message to us 2. I froze. Maybe it wasn't all that bad, I open the email and scroll down and down and down. By the time I had re read all the stuff we had said, including Labake's "I bet he has a firm ass, did you do a ass brush to check comment", I felt myself let out the breath I hadn't realised that I was holding. Damage control, he may not have read it yet. I recalled the email and waited..... and waited.....

What seemed like ages later, a response "the email could not be recalled as the recipient has already opened the email" Shit! Okay maybe he didn't scroll down, I mean: who really scrolls down, you just read the email that's on top. Right? Right?

The thing is Brown would never acknowledge having read that email, unless I asked. And if I ask, if he hadn't read it, then whats stopping him from reading it? I feel like I am playing poker with translucent cards. My friends think its kinda amusing. I think I need new friends.

But seriously though, I feel like he know exactly how I feel, my fears my wants etc. Its not fair. I need to read his journal or something. Level the playing field.