Friday, 14 November 2008

Ring Ring

Its been a while since I have been on here. So much has happened in such a little time. I feel very guilty, this blog is where I come when I am sad, needing to release. But when I am happy, I can't seem to bring myself to write here, where Seun seems to still reside. His name at the top of the page reminding me that I have not truly let go.




Truth be told, you guys have helped me more than you realise. I have shared my deepest and darkest times with you. You who are always available for a chat whatever time, and a helluva lot cheaper than a counsellor.





In a way, this post is for Brown. Its been about 5 weeks since we last spoke. Have rang him a million times but I guess he has had enough of Tinuke, I wanted to email him a link to this blog and have him read about my life before him, my destiny unfulfilled, the fear of ever feeling such pain and despair hangs over my head. I will him to understand but this is Seuns place, not Brown. I wrote this email a few days ago but it sits in my inbox, I cant bring myself to send it.








Dear Brown,





The last time we saw you called me selfish, detached, and some uglier names which I would rather keep to myself. You say that I walk around with a chip on my shoulder, thinking that the world owes me something.





The last few months have been the happiest I have been for a long time, So happy that I feel guilty for being so happy. Like I have no right. You make me happy. You know you do. I am grateful for your patience. I don't know how else to explain my sometimes irrational behaviour. So.......




The day Seun left me I went home, the friend I was with offered to drive me to my parents house, offered to call Labake to come round, offered to stay over. I declined. I told him that I had already called Labake and that she was on her way. This was a lie.





As I shut the front door of mine and Seun's house, the darkness that met me is one that I would rather forget. I was moving around the house, but it wasn't me. I t felt like i was watching me.





I went to the bedroom that until recently had been Seun and my little nest. I dragged the duvet and wrapped it around myself. It smelt of Seun. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and let his smell engulf me. It was growing stronger by the minute and I suddenly felt a strong sense that Seun wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I called Aramide back and begged her to take it back.





'Mide, you were joking abi, I wont be mad, just tell me you were joking'


'just tell me you were joking'





I willed her to take back those words, in my mind, every thing would be alright. Her crying was the only answer I needed. My Seun was gone. The next few days were a blur for me. I was vaguely aware of people knocking at my door at regular intervals, screaming my name. It felt like they were all part of a dream.





I hadn't shed a tear, me, that cries over andrex adverts. For those days, I lay on the bed and didn't move. I didn't move to got to the toilet, I didn't move when I had to hurl, vomit rising from my empty stomach, I didn't move to drink or eat. I just stayed there, in my own filth, but I didn't cry.





In one of the rare conscious moments I had, I was aware of someone lifting me up, my own stench hitting me like a ton of bricks. The next thing I remember I was in a hospital, my mother, my father, Tokunbo and Labake all hovering nervously. I was missing a face, the most important face, and then I remembered. I cried like the whole world was going to end, I cried like my tears had an expiry date. I cried like I have never cried before or since. I cried until I could cry no more. I shunned the hugs of my mother and my father, they that rejected him, rejected me. It was Labakes bosom that finally muffled my tears and turned them into whimpers. I fell asleep.





When I woke up it was labake that was there, she explained that my folks were outside and that they wanted her to tell me that they were there if I needed them. I twas hard for me to process anything. Labake told me that I could leave if I wanted to. I went back to hers.





the next few days, i was consumed by dark thoughts, thoughts that I have only shared shared with one person. I contemplated killing myself, the desire to end my pain was overwhelming. I even took a tube to mile end, hotspot for banker suicides, I looked at the train tracks and wondered how painful It would be. I decided that while the pain would be unimaginable, it couldn't be worse than what i was going through at that moment and it would be over in a jiffy. I psyched myself up. The timer said the next train would be arriving in 1 minute.





I edged closer, wondering if I would feel my bones as the were being crushed under the train or if I would already be dead, I wondered if God would hold it against me, surely He realised that this pain was too much for me to bear. was he not the one that promised that he would never give me more than I could handle? He had not kept up His side of the bargain. A million thoughts ran through my head and I looked at the train timer, still displaying 1 minute. One minute in train time s is probably 5 in real time, but that day, it felt like forever.





There was some commotion behind me and I turned to see what was going on. It was two hooligans/children of nowadays in a full blown brawl. I looked for about a second and turned back to the task at hand. As my gaze turned to the tracks, it was obstructed by the train that was sitting firmly on it, complete with passengers, How did I miss my slot? I should be in a painless nonexistence by now. The thought pf re-pscyhing myself up was a little more than I could bear and I went back to Labake's





That night I went on my knees and cursed God, I called Him every name in the book, I blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in the world, for the wars, for the floods, for the famines, for Seun. And I cried.





2 days later, I woke up to find a business card for a grief counsellor next to my bed. Labake had written, 'call her please.' I looked at the card, it was made from cheap card, not the fancy kind I was used to receiving. I put it back where I had found it and got out of the bed. My dark thoughts still followed me around for the rest of the day. I weighed different options of taking my own life and none seemed doable. Where would I get a gun from, the force with which I would have to stab myself to cause serious harm is is probably more than I could muster up, and even then there was no guarantee....





That night I had a dream, I was at Seun's wedding, in the front row. As the priest started the ceremony, the brides dress started to melt away, underneath there was nothing, but I was the only one who could see that there was nothing, the priest continued the ceremony and pronounced them man and wife. I woke up and called the counsellor.





I tell you this just so that you can understand that you don't understand.



So that you realise that I am being the best me that I can be



I am battling my own demons



But I care about you and dont want to lose you,

My pride is begging me not to pick up the phone and dial your number, yet I do. You dont pick up. Am I not the same girl whose calls you said brightened up your day, whose calls once made you miss a flight because you just didnt want to hang up.

Pick up, please.

58 comments:

geisha.song. said...

send it, please.
he needs to understand. and dont stop trying to get through to him..

THIRTY + said...

Please send the mail, he needs to know

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...

Dear Tinuke.

things have happened to you that i cannot fathom. but there is a strength inside u.
for whatever reason God took seun from u early. i do not know why. but the love you shared was real. the love you still feel is real.

use it.

first to fight those demons and then to use it to start loving yourself and then use it to allow yourself to be loved. why? remember that that love has always been your anchor. don't betray it. both you and seun fought so hard and for so long for it.

i have read your story and cried. It was not my story but I still cried…for u…for that person that wrote it…I did not know u but I wanted it to be untrue

when you first wrote about brown i wasn't sure that he was the one but i was happy that somebody was making you smile.

Little steps tinuke…please keep taking those steps… and after some time you will see that you’ve have completed a journey.

I am not sure what the future holds for you and brown but what I know is that you are stopping yourself from grabbing that future…a happy one that is yours…

send him e-mail and the link to this blog. It is another step forward

I am so sorry that seun is gone but his love is not…your love for him is not…if you cannot for yourself…honour that love and use it to fight the demons…use it to understand that you must stop defeating your own happiness.

Seun loved you for a reason. look in the mirror darling. When he was with u he never wanted u to be unhappy…what makes u think that now he is not here he’d want you to still be unhappy.

you have already faced the deepest and darkest of nightmares. there is nothing that can hurt you.

start to heal so you can stop hurting.

please

The Boob Sistas said...

I come to your blog after almost a year and you still manage to make me cry...

Merry christmas babes. xxx

Anonymous said...

you have got to send it,so he knows and understand what you have been thru.You have God on your side,do not ever forget that.

Anonymous said...

hey Tinu....love your blog.

Did you send it?

Seyifunmi said...

No one can truly understand how you are feeling..I should know, I lost someone that I loved too..However, you should at least try to make him understand your pain. That being said, pls send the letter. Seun would want you to be happy, you deserve to be a happier person. May God be with you.

rethots said...

Merry Christmas

Afrobabe said...

OMG, I have never cried so much.....so much hurt...

Hope the new year brings something great ur way babes...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

happy new year!

Shubby Doo said...

Happy new year TINUKE… wishing you a year full of the Lord’s blessings… may opportunities galore always find you and may you always be able to claim the right one and at the right time. May happiness and success be yours. Always.

IT IS WELL

doll said...

i agree...send it to him

Anonymous said...

Hi Tinu.

whats going on? hows bob?
we need to hear something. atlest 2of u back 2gether again.

Soul said...

wow... you are so amazing! So strong! I hope you sent it... I really do...:)

Nice Anon said...

Would be rather nice to know what eventually happened.

Hope you are good.

doll said...

bn a while...hope u r ok? just checking

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Black Man Comes said...

Hello... Cant believe its over a year since I last read your blog and you have not yupdate. your fault... :)
Hope you are good. How are you doing these days?

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Anonymous said...

hey Tinu,
hope you are doing ok. Please post so that we know that you are good.

Anonymous said...

hello tinuke,
i really do hope u r ok....
pls respond, just two words " i'm ok" will do fine...
olufishi

Anonymous said...

hello tinuke,
i really do hope u r ok....
pls respond, just two words " i'm ok" will do fine...
olufishi

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Anonymous said...

Hello Tinuke,

I stumbled upon your site today and could not for the life of me stop reading your story. I found myself even after work quickly uploading your words to my cell phone just so that I could experience every bit of your journey from the childhood memories of Seun to your last entry here where the vivid memories of Seun's passing resurface. My sincerest hope is that you are safe and well. You are a true example of iwa pele and if you are somewhere where you can read this I'd like to share a Yoruba proverb I read once about fear & faith and it reads...

"Accept that things happen when they are to happen and once it is done it is done. All is working in accordance with divine order."

May you be blessed going in and coming out. Although I am an African-American female born in TX, in spirit you are my sister and a pray that your strength be renewed and that we will hear from you again soon.

"Texas Girl" (w/naija soul)

Anonymous said...

i just feel like hugging you and telling you everything will be alright

Anonymous said...

Hi Tinuke,
All I can sayis God bless you. I stumbled on ur blog today and spent the whole day reading it. I see that the last time you updated was in 08. I truly hope you are fine and happy.I hope you have learnt to love completely again and that you are with someone who loves and understands you. Please if you have a minute please let us ( I am sure I am not alone) know how you are. I find myself worrying since I read ur blog. God bless you

Black Man Comes said...

Hello... How are you doing lately?

asr hip recall said...

Dear, time heal all wounds. I thought during my early 20's that losing my boyfriend is the end of the world for me, but you see I've survive. Cheer up! There's a lot of guys out there.

geisha.song. said...

If you're here, if you still read this, I hope you're so okay you've forgotten all about this.
Pray that you're happy, and that you've let go, truly.

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chrisyinks said...

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