Thursday 25 October 2007

Schindler’s List

When Schindler wrote his list, every name on it signified life. Every ink stained signature meant that someone would live, even if it was just for another day. I write about a different sort of list. When I was a little younger, a little foolish and a lot naive, I and a few of my friends would engage in an annual list writing ceremony, No joke oh! We would gather at someone’s house, drink some alcohol and then proceed with our ritual. What was this list? It was the list of men that we had been with. Names, situation that led to the event, how we felt after (emotionally oh! all you carnally minded people!). This was a deep ritual, definitely not for the faint hearted. Seun if you are reading this; Jo ma ka eleyi

Usually the actual writing took only a few minutes as it was only adding to names already on the list. It was the aftermath that was time and emotionally consuming. For some of us it was quicker than most, those who had boyfriends or who just hadn’t had sex with anyone new in the last year didn’t take too long. Then there were those of us who had a few additions on the list, there was a lot of contemplating, soul searching and finally (or at least I hope) moving on.

But there was one, every year it was the same song and dance. She cried more than all the rest of us combined, added more names to her list, made new resolves, but yet we were still there, one year on doing the same song and dance. This particular girl is very close to my heart. She gives without expecting something in return, she has a heart of gold but she was looking too hard for love and she was looking in the wrong places. It was always the same.

The first phone call: Oh I met a guy; he is so sweet and kind, not like all the rest blah blah blah

The second phone call: Oh we had sex, he was so gentle and then he held me after and blah blah blah

And then it starts to unravel: I don’t know, I tried to call him but there was no reply and he has blah blah blah

It was always the same pattern. The thing is this girl is gorgeous, not pretty but “stop and turn around for a second look” gorgeous and she is kind. So sometimes it baffled me. Then one day during the course of the song and dance, the “I met a guy” became I met your cousin. I was kinda apprehensive, I didn’t want my cousin to be one of the names she would have to cry about in a few months so I called him and I warned him seriously. But the song was still sung and the dance was still danced.

I later asked my cousin why and he said that what strikes you the most about her wasn’t her beauty or her good nature but the desperation; a very ugly feature (his word not mine). How could I respect a girl that was so desperate to be loved that she didn’t even respect herself? I didn’t have an answer to his question. But my heart was breaking for my friend. I told her that she could never be happy with any man because she was looking for him to justify her existence and not complete it. Learn to be happy alone.

So I got another call not too long after my cousin, but it went a different route:

Ist call: I met a guy today; He bugged me so much that I gave him my number. I hope he doesn’t call

2nd call: This guy is sooo persistent; He doesn’t pick up on any of my "I am busy" hints. I will soon have to adopt a more direct approach

3rd call: No, no, I still talk to him, he makes me laugh. I just am not interested in him

4th call: I can’t talk, I am at the cinema with, let’s call him Persistent.

5th call: I can’t talk; I am the theatre with Persistent

12th call: How did I get here? I like this guy

65th call: Persistent asked me to marry him

During this call, you would have expected to hear shrieks and laughter but home girl was sobbing like there was no tomorrow. “I can’t marry him. He doesn't know how many there were before him. Imagine if we bump into a friend of his or worse, a relative who is on my list, then what?” I didn’t know what to say. I knew she wasn’t being paranoid, her list was extensive. Before I could even say anything, someone dragged the phone from my hand.

“You better don’t say anything. Are you stupid? If his friend says he has slept with you, you say “who me, it couldn’t be” Just keep your mouth shut oh, I am going to buy some champagne to celebrate”.

A week later she calls me to let me know that she posted her list to him. I almost choked

“What did he say? I ask

“Nothing, I haven’t heard from him.”

I felt my heart sink and I uttered words which had no conviction, “I am sure he will call. He just needs to process this information and come to terms with it.”

I wanted to call him and beg, on my knees if I had to but I knew my friend wouldn’t thank me for it. It was none of my business.

Two weeks later, he called her and ended their relationship.

Words on a paper can be so powerful.

Words on a paper saved the Jews in Nazi Germany

Words on a paper broke my friend’s heart

This double standard jars me something stupid. When did this transfer of power happen or has it always been that way. While I believe in being held accountable for ones actions, I do not subscribe to this one sided mode of delivering judgement.

If a girl for whatever reason, lapse in judgement, looking for a partner or just plain old choice, has more than a few people on her list, she is a slut but the men are celebrated. A man’s ego will never allow him to maintain objectivity when considering the men that have passed through his woman’s bed.

Bottom line is this; he cannot hang you if you do not give him enough rope and I do not mean be dishonest or withhold information, this is an individual choice. But in a relationship, it is important to maintain a very vivid sense of your self-worth. If you know what you are worth no one will ever be able to tell you different. So if a man comes along and he prices you down; tell him the price he is offering will buy him satin, and to come back when he can afford lace.

UPDATE:

My friend is fine, infact she is more than fine. I asked her permission to use this story and she has asked for the following addition:

*Although he ended their relationship, Persistent still called her from time to time looking for "a little tenderness"(which she declined), proving that he is a thoughtless wanker and what she was so heartbroken about infact turned out to be a lucky escape.

*Oh and that my cousin is also a wanker. He has no respect for her because she showed him love, which is totally alien to him because he was raised in the jungle.

47 comments:

darkelcee said...

hmmmm, this is serious.She shouldn't have shwon the guy her list cos this world ain't fair to women.

A guy can have 300 names on his list and a gurl wth 5 names is been regarded as a whore.Bloody Hell!

Ki olorun shanu awon obirin (Lord have Mercy)

But we know it happens?

Tell your friend to destroy her list ASAP.She doesn't need a reminder or anything.

i think men gbadun deception, we all powder our faces and smile away all sh**t.No one gets hurt like that

Takia

darkelcee said...

*shown*

"So if a man comes along and he prices you down; tell him the price he is offering will buy him satin, and to come back when he can afford lace"..... ver correct sis.*wink*

Anonymous said...

you are so so right.you should tell your friend the past is the past.

Anonymous said...

Exactly what was her rationale for showing him her list?did he show her his list? Please girls need to open up their eyes...the past is the past....everyone should let it go.She better destroy that list. the next time a guy asks how many people she's been with, she should tell her "it doesnt matter..something must have gone wrong thats why u're they are past and u're present"

Idemili said...

I am clapping like crazy over here! Girl, you are good!

Anonymous said...

what exactly do you consider a lot?

i feel bad for her...
worst part is that dude now has her list. lets hope he keeps that info to himself.

she must be a good person to be so honest. she'll meet someone who will appreciate that about her. hopefully.

N.I.M.M.O said...

Naa waa for your friend. She should have remembered the first law:

"Volunteer no such information (even when necessary) except under duress - and that includes torture"

Wetin even concern am with what the guy would think of those that 'came' before him.

Thats why I like those 'Deeper life' type sisters; you practically have to kill them to get any such info outta them.

Even if a guy had been there before, he would have a hard time convincing anybody of the fact.

As far as you are concerned, they are virgins - and you take it like that.

Talk about starting afresh..

Nimmo

Tinuke said...

Every one seems to be in agreement that she should not have been so honest. But shouldn't honesty be one of the fundamental ingredients of any relationship. Or is this just idealism?

Anonymous said...

Wow, soi this is the other side of the dear seun letter. Good to see you is moving on and living life and paying attention to everything around you.

Now to you posting. Hmm, how do I say this... there is double standard in life. With women too, and men. But the thing here is, man is the sower. he bears the seed. The sower goes around spreading the seed for a bountiful harvest on fertile ground. The ground that is fertile for some seeds is no good for others hence we have seasons, and some drops dont grow in other places.

have you ever heard of fertile ground moving around to accept seeds. no. the fertile ground in timbuktu (using places that are familiar) will not move to new delhi to get good seeds.

this is my point, a man looks for the kinda girl he desires, and mates with her (this shouldbe in marriage but we live a life of sin, so disregard ethics/morals and all that) the woman looks for good seeds (read as "men with qualities that promote life"). so if she accepts all men that come her way, hence the no respect part your cousin mentioned, she is been for lack f a better word devalued.

its wrong but in the words of my mentor Tupac Amaru Shakur, thats just the way it is. ladies no this better, maybe they want the bad guy, and the nice guy who is always there ruts to hell until u are done with the bad guys and u look with pity on the nice guy. men want a girl who has not been around (if one 0r 2 okay) and also bcos they know what they did to the girls in their past. someone has done it to your friend, and dont no body want baggage. and this is true, a girl will go again to the guy she once was with (even if for one night) if given the chance.

Anonymous said...

in addendum, a friend did tell me about his friend who broke an engagement a month to the mwedding after stupidly asking the girl how many people she has beenw ith and she stupidly answered 22. also he knows 5 of them. so he broke the engaement. i think if its a month to the marraige such is inconsequential. and women dont decieve urslf. a guy begs u and begs u b4 u give him face. then he finds out some guys didnt even have to beg to get it... shoo. what would u do if someone paid 2 dollars for what u spend thousands on... it kinda gets in the way. i am not saying i am right but it is logical. isnt it?

Orientatednaijababe said...

I don't totally see anything wrong in her showing him her list. Honesty is the basis of any lost standing relationship, and also to prevent future problems.
If you look at the bible definition of love, has the guy really expressed love to her...if he cannot forgive her past, what sort of love is that and does she really want to be married to him.

She is better off and i pray she finds someone that will love her for who she is and appreciate that her past has made her who she is today, A VERY STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

Tinuke said...

Anon,

"have you ever heard of fertile ground moving around to accept seeds. no. the fertile ground in Timbuktu (using places that are familiar) will not move to new Delhi to get good seeds."

This analogy baffles me, are you saying that women should adopt characteristics of the fertile ground, i.e. close our legs? Haba!

As to your second comment,

"what would u do if someone paid 2 dollars for what u spend thousands on... it kinda gets in the way. i am not saying i am right but it is logical. isn't it?"

This statement confirms that you are a guy and so you therefore you must reduce every thing to sex. If you are marrying a girl, It would be logical to assume that you connected on a level that transcends sex. You saw something in her that made her the woman you wanted to spend your life with.

Just because a man invests more on someone than another man did does not "devalue" that person. It only means that person means more to you. A piano to Mozart is a treasured item, to me, it would just be taking up space.

Or to use a more common analogy, one man's meat is another man;s poison.

I respect your opinion, I just think that the world is 3d

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

i always tell my friends this, ur past stays in where it should be in the damn past, dont assume that every guy wants to know they truth even when they ask. she should have just kept quiet

Tinuke said...

Orientated: I agree with you 100%. Honesty is the best policy.

Tinuke said...

36: I know that it is a man's ego that makes him ask this question. But a little lie has a way of gaining momentum...

Anonymous said...

@oriented: hmm, honesty in seduction is not the best policy. dont lie, but seep honesty small small. a guy who tells u he likes u the first time he met u is been honest but u find him creepy. ur first question would be who says love to a girl on the first time meeting.

@tinu: a guy should never ask that question. he can find out if someone told him. then if he asked u know where he is coming from. not all things are reduced to sex. u have to connect on emotion, financial standing (as in handling), and other values.

it might not have been the number that did him, he may have seen names he recognised. men are possessive in nature. but whats in the past is in the past, easier said not easily done. hmm, would u date a guy who has been with ur friends and or cousins? ha...

Orientatednaijababe said...

@ anonymous:

"it might not have been the number that did him, he may have seen names he recognised. men are possessive in nature. but whats in the past is in the past, easier said not easily done. hmm, would u date a guy who has been with ur friends and or cousins? ha..."

Don't u think it is a good thing that she showed him the list then...cause they obviously wud have trouble in the future...imagine him finding out she has been with the cousin or friend after they r married, i am sure this guy will not hesitate to break off the marriage and i am positive that everyone will agree that that is worse than a broken engagement.

Ms. Catwalq said...

The standards by which men and women are judged are ridiculous and only in favour of the man.
I think Persistent was weak. Any strong man will know that typically a woman such as your friend is looking for something and just happens to be looking in the wrong place.
Even we females, are most nonsupporting to our flailing sisters. Your friend will find someone and it will be fine....

Waffarian said...

Sometimes, heart break is necessary in order for us to find the right path. The path we need in life, not the one we want.


First of all, your friend is a mighty fool for showing ANYBODY the list. The first rule of the day is : A woman MUST have her secrets. All women, including your grandma, have a secret or two that no one knows, not even her best friend of 50 years. So, I implore her to destroy that list as soon as possible.

Secondly, when did "sex" define us, women, as who we are? maybe for men, their idenities are built on that ugly thing they have called "penis", but for us, our identity as a woman goes beyond an ugly thing being put in you. Your friend already has an identity, she is a caring, loving person, she is a good human being, she is a woman. That list, does not define her as a person. So the idiot male who read that list, and thought that is "who" she is, is a fool and is quite dull, if you ask me.


Finally, I promise your friend that the moment she starts enjoying her life without men, she will be free from heartbreaks and all the other useless emotional garbage that comes with them. Not forever ofcourse, but just to assure herself that there is a great life out there without penises dangling about.

As for the broken engagemnet, that guy was quite dull. Better to be with someone smart.

Unbiased said...

Showed him the list ke? What did she have for breakfast?

Look when men do the lets bring all our shit out they dont mean it!!! They just want to talk about a few of theirs. Just tell him you dates a few pple and slept with maybe 2.

A junkyard DOG once told me that he cant marry a girl who had sex with more than 3 guys in the past.
Meanwhile he spreads his seed to any who will recieve. Doesnt the as****e know that someone had to marry these babes too.

Men are just stupid children at heart. What he doesnt know wont kill him jo!!!!

I am not a man hater o!!!

Unknown said...

I agree they are both wankers....

What the ....

I hate the double standards men, it is just ridiculous....


x-(

PS: She shouldn't have showed him the list o...

Anonymous said...

the conclusion to ur update is so typical...

but i got love for ur writing. quite engaging and well told.

ladytyne said...

a person's past is their past and sometimes thats where it should stay, but on the other hand your friend revealing her past helped to show her what type of person persistent is.

me thinks persistent really wants ur friend but he's ashamed of what pple might think if her past gets out.

thanks for sharing the post cuz i've gained some insight here myself.

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Obinwanne said...

past is past, and honesty is the key...i totally agree with you

cally-waffybabe said...

Na wa oh. How old is she sef? What are people keeping lists for talkless of showing a man (dumbass move BTW) the list?!
No matter what we say about double standards, it's a man's world (whether we like it or not). Yes a man can have triple that list or even more and he'd even be rated as a cool dude, but we have to remember that as women (and African for that matter), we'd never have that equal right. Therefore, the wise thing would be to keep yo shit close to your heart. As for me, mine is between me, myself and i- nah mean?

So how are you keeping babe? About the question you asked me, i'd email you.

Stay blessed
xxx

Bunmmy said...

i know a similar story....fake guys with double standards are no go areas...

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

its so funny that the people who involve in sex escapades with numerous partners are men, the same men that are quick to judge the women they involve with. it bothers me that a man can look up from yet another sexual intercourse see a woman doing the same spit on her face like she is dirt and carry on to finish what he started. a man is actually praised for this and a woman rebuked 4 the same? society is utterly WRONG!!!

i like the humor behind ur friend's message, by HIS grace she would find joy in the end.

Nneka's World said...

I felt that she should have not been too honest with the truth, they say it shall set you free, it does but has its own adverse effects.

I applaud your girl for being honest, but many men cant take it seriously they cant, they pretend that its alright....

I have been in her shoes and i was advised by my then boyfriend that sometimes i should pretend or lie a little, too much of the truth is not good for the soul.....

So when it comes to cases like this i plead the fifth...

Anonymous said...

Hi Tinu, I just read through your blog and all I can say is wow, at some points i cried and at others I smiled. I can relate so much to your story, because I am going through a very similar situation in the name of LOVE. I feel so much for you but in the same light i feel so much strength and i'm inspired by it.

laspapi said...

There is no known man that can accept the kind of info your friend posted, no matter what he says. She posted a long list to him? That would have blown his circuits. No man recovers from that.

Anonymous said...

funny; my pastor preached along these lines 2 sundays back. If the man had posted his list,I am sure she would have stayed with him and rightly so. Thats the irony of life. Women are objects of ridicule if they are found to have 'slept' with more than one man, but men are 'solid' for sleeping around.

I had a list like that too, I shared with my husband loooooooooong before we got married and sometimes he still refers to it jokingly.. bottom line is, he has and will never forget every single name on that list.

is it worth having a list like that? nah babe... lol

excellent post

too lazy to sign in..
Bimbs

TDVA said...

wow! she MAILED him the list? talk about hitting him over the head with images of her in bed with a zillion other guys, someof whom were his friends or acquaintances!

anyways, we all agree there's double standards and it has always been there. this is y we also should be wise and act accordingly. i'm not encouraging dishonesty, but the discussion shouldnt ge tto how many people u've been with. let the past be the past.

btw, nice new dimension to ur blog. used to come here and almost cry. now i smile and then i think.

psykotikdiva said...

talk about a double standard, i for one think that in cases like this the truth is not needed, we dont live in a perfect world where we have to be a hundred percent honest with our partners, tell ur frien she should always cut the number down to an acceptable place,no guy is immune to it, even if he loves u to death.

Anonymous said...

you are pretty cool, your friend by associatyion sounds pretty cool. can i meet her?

Thirty + said...

Ok MR ANON AND HIS STUPID SOWER THEORY ARE MAKING ME CRINGE.

SOWER KO HARVESTER.

A SOWER DOES NOT SOW AIMLESS A SOWER SOWS EXPECTING HARVEST..

I remember no I promised not to comment on Boy vs Girl theory or discussions

o dabo

Unknown said...

HEREEEEEEEEEE

Molly said...

Hey sweetie, i followed your story from the beginning...even when i was not a blooger...nice to know that you're staying...take care hun!

TMinx said...

Its crazy, I have heard so many similar stories, I think the guys mostly think of what others will think and cant deal with that.

anonymous gal(retired blogger) said...

wish ur friend luck but she shld no have shown him the list. in future she shld not. wish her luck.

rethots said...

...a tough one.
Honesty's the best policy, be that as it may; i think showing him the list (as in writing it on a piece of paper) wasn't necessary. Of course, if discussions get to it, she should say but, not start counting 1, 2, 3,....
Even then, to me,apparently, the guy wasn't sure of (or didn't even have) the strength of his love. If not, he shouldn't have been too bothered about the list. Sebi he's in love & ur friend's only been honest.
Nothing lost, he wasn't for her. She should be patient, her glory cometh soon.

Anonymous said...

i'm late, but here's me saying how glad i am that you've decided to join blogville 'in the present'.

ok this one- i dont think wrong is the word for what she did. if she chose painful honesty over the easy lies, its his fault and loss for not realising that its rare to find such openness in a woman.
it also points to the hypocrisy that is the double-standard that is our reality. glad she's ok though.

confused child said...

Hey ma! Time for an update plssssssssss.

Black Man Comes said...

Babes, I am so sure I read something about dinner with the family on your blog yesterday. What happened?

Sherri said...

glad u re staying.
it's about time us women started to establish our own standards...
we all know we are not created for meaningless sex, so why do we continue to put sex b4 the connection?
a list? u mean a torture device? lol

Unknown said...

This is a typical answer, but she should be glad she didn't marry the dude, he wasn't the man for her. I can only imagine the type of unforgiving spirit he has, does she really want to be involved with a dude like that?

I believe in complete honesty in serious relationships that I'm committed to, because I want and expect the same from my partner. Now will I disclose the names or actual number? No, but only because I don't know that information off head and even if forced to think I know I would forget 1 or 10.
Contrary to what some men say, men can and do accept women who have "long histories", yes even naija ones, because they know that woman is so much more than her past and with her he can build a bright future.

Unknown said...

Na wahh oo ! this is a case of you'll be dammed if you do dammed if you don't Imagine she didn't inform him and he somehow finds out? Obviously he can't handle the truth... shes better off without him abeg.