Just in case you are experiencing Deja vu.....
I posted this yesterday and then I took it down. But then I didnt want to start censoring what I could and couldn't blog about so, here we are again.
I had dinner at my parents' house last month. Every time I go there it is so awkward and the long silences serve as painful reminder of a relationship that is still in shreds. I called my brother as I got to the station, just to make sure he was already there, I didn't want to be the first one. He wasn't there so I spent an hour in a coffee shop pretending to read a book. Is this how bad things are, that I would rather spend an hour doing nothing than to be alone with my parents?
So we are having dinner and no one is saying anything. To an outsider looking in, we might as well have been four strangers at a table. All our unresolved issues sat firmly in our stomachs constipating us, making conversation stilted and uncomfortable. The juice tasted sickly sweet in my mouth and I wished I was drinking Bourbon. Finally, after the 2 minutes silence that seemed like an hour, Tokunbo bit the bullet and started the conversation.
Tokunbo: Mum this food is amazing, I miss your cooking
Dad: Well, if you were seeing a decent Nigerian girl she would be able to cook for you, by the way how is that your white girlfriend.
They never asked how is your girlfriend, it was always "that your white girlfriend"
Toks: Actually Meg is an amazing cook, in fact...
Dad cuts in: You know your cousin Angela is getting married next month? On the 24th, I expect you both to be there.
I check my blackberry: I cant make it, I am out of the country
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: Abu Dhabi
Dad: Business?
Me: Potentially, So Angela's getting married eh? I bet Aunty Dupe is in her element planning this wedding
Dad: What do you mean potentially, it is either business or it isn't
Me: I have been offered a job, double what I am earning, the chance to help create something. Its a good offer, I have a meeting with ....
Dad: So you didn't think you should discuss it with us first.
At this point I look at my dad, and I wondered how we got here. I used to be daddy's little girl. I never did anything without his approval... until Seun. And now, when I looked at him, I felt resentment wash over me. Discuss what with who? I am a grown ass woman, I no longer live under your roof, I was about to say as much and then I caught my mothers eyes, silently pleading with me, begging me to keep up this charade of happy families.
Every time I am summoned to this house, I feel resentment. This is my home and this is my family. The bible teaches us to forgive and forget but how can I forgive these people who promised to love me unconditionally and then when I needed them the most, turned their back on me.
I remember breaking my leg when I was 12, I had fallen down a set of stairs and my dad came rushing. When I was screaming blue murder in pain, I caught the tears in my father's eyes and for a second the pain was gone. Its the only time I have ever seen my father cry.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
23 comments:
Tinuke,
The Love is still there in him. He just doesnt know how to express it. We hurt because we still care.
You know in our culture, it is unheard of for parents to say sorry to their child, i am not saying it is right , all i am saying they are set in their ways.
Try as much as possible to forgive them and you will see how things will begins to flow.
...i remember just before i got admission to university (don't know what happened but) my mouth used to be very sharp. Unlike you "I was about to say as much and then I caught my mothers eyes..." I would say much.
Mum, would scold me right there and tell me to apologise. I would. Then, one day, she said i don't know how to talk.... Coincidentally, by the time i got admission, i became quite (mum, now complained that i didn't use to talk). Whatever,....
Now, 'm no longer at home. I talk a little bit more but, looking back, i realise most times when we are at that age, we're always at logger heads with parents. But, in fairness to them, i acknowledge that whatever they did then (even if we didn't like it) was 'cos they love us.
I don't know the incidence with Seun but, permit me to say; "sit back, recollect the incidence and exchange roles with dad; would you have done differently"
It may take time but, it surely will heal. I believe dad loves you.
Well, just to let you know....some 9ja parents will just always expect their kids to be like that....my brother in law....40 odd years.....and his parents expect to be consulted about everything....shame!
awww girl i think you should forgive you know.
Tinuke,
Your dad still loves you. Parents often think that they know best. Be patient with him.
pammy
its so sad.
y'all love each other but its hard for either party to give in and just forgive..
ah well, the healing process will come on its own, when you're all ready.
uhmm, i really do not know what to say... but try and sort things out... u probably need to talk about the whole past first b4 things can move on smoothly
Tinuke, it takes time for wounds to heal up....so just give it time, and b4 u know it u'll feel the love again. In the meantime, try not to say anything u'll regret.
awww, if your parents didnt love you, they wont be concerned about you,i'm sure thats his way of showing concern, i hope you all can forgive eachother and work through your issues.
they're probably hurting as much as you. probably mourning the loss of the relationship you had.
i pray your family experiences healing. from what i've read, it seems a big step that you all are back on speaking terms...
thing is, men don't know how to say I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. most expecially Nigerian men. it is a task the never get to do. i believe he wants u back the way u were with him but just cant bring himself to admit it.
which ever ways, i hope this gets resolved b4 its' too late. wish u luck on ur new job babes.
take care.
when I read ur blog ehn, I want to run to mine and reveal so much about my own life--- but I cant, so I will feel it through you. I totally understand where u are coming from...babes, just try for the sake of God to let things get better. I am sure your daddy loves you..
congrats on the job offer-high flyer gurl!
Dont worry ur daddy will say sorry just tell god to heal u, so you can forgive them.Take care of yourself.
@rethots please read her blog from the very beginning. Her blog IS about the situation with seun, please read.
I love this blog.....read it all today. I think your parents dont know how to reach out to you anymore...when catastrophic things like this happen...the silence is what makes it worse...Silence is a real killer of relationships.
The reason why you think your father doesnt love you so much anymore is cus they have not apologised.....im sure they regret what happened. And i shud know.....
You are a very string woman o.
Me, I would not have returned to that house. Once I am hurt once, I never return. It's my own type of survival. Might not work for everyone but it does for me.
Your dad loves the woman he imagined you will be. Now, you are just like him. Stubborn, independent and in charge of your own destiny. he never imagined a time when he would not take care of his little girl. He hurts because you chose another man over him. That can demoralize any man...but I believe he loves you...or at least, his little girl
your dad loves you. dont doubt that. no one can love you as much as your parents. you are their seed. they may show it in the wrongest ways, and pride might stand in the way...but once u come to accept that your parents actually want the best for u (it may be their own version of best...nevertheless they want 'the best') it will be very easy to deal with the resentment.
i used to feel resentment especially whenever I have just finished arguing with my dad because he has a strong tongue, but I have learnt how to express myself better, and I have learnt that no one can love me like my father loves me except God.
I am sure your Dad loves you very much but the starined relationship aint helping matter.
you need to forgive, Let go and Let God ok? and all will be well.
I wish my dad is still alive so that i can show him more love.
My theme about life is ...'lifeis short so break the rule'
i am sure that you know that already so please dear life is shortlove without reservation ok?
Thanks for the advice you guys, I hear what you are saying. Its hard to forgive someone who doesn't even acknowledge their mistake. But i hear you all the same.
I dont know why I seem to agree with Catwalq on everything except Man/Woman matters. I agree with her on this.
Your Dad loves you and he obviously is somehow sorry for the way things had gone. And you are just like him '.... Stubborn, independent and in charge of your own destiny...'. Even from your response to the different 'advice' and comments. You have your own mind.
The Yoruba culture does not allow an elder (men particularly) to apologize first to a child. If you are wrong, you will apologize. If he is wrong, you will apologize. I dont know why, but thats the way it is.
I will tell you what to do.
Pick up your phone (now or at the earliest opportunity) and call your Dad. Just talk. Ask him about the weather, his health, if he's eating/sleeping well etc. Anything. Close the call by saying you're sorry, if there is anything you had done.
He will most likely ask you if you dont know what you had done. If he does, ask him to tell you what it was. (Most of the time they dont have anything tangible to say here). He may also ask you to come over. Do. But whatever he says, just say you're sorry.
I can assure you that for every single one of your 'sorries', he will say four.
Then you can bring up your own case(s). It is most likely you would both cry. For lost time. For the silliness of the whole thing. For everything.
He obviously loves you and 'he never imagined a time when he would not take care of his little girl'.
You probably did not come to him when you had whatever problems and as it is you are going off to wherever without even discussing with him.
Sincerely, my dear, it is NOT about Seun. Its about you and him.
Nimmo
hmn, NIMMO took the words right out of my mouth, one thing id also add is, try to men things with ur folk (i know its d hardest thing to do, cos i even have issues calling my biological parents) what i do know however is that u will miss them when they r gone!!
i so feel u ... me n my mom have this animosity that i think will never end...i get no support in my future decisions and she cant some respect the people i love or be happy for me...
stay strong babe....!!!!
Nice staf, men! Thank4post
http://galmistgecon.chez.com/?c=6&p=505
http://diatensferab.chez.com/skachat-besplatno-programmi/564.php
Post a Comment