What Fan? All I See is Shit.

I have been wondering what you must think when you read my letters. Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you wonder why I am still holding on to the past? I will never know the answers to these questions. But when I am writing these letters, I feel close to you. So I will continue to write you until I have nothing left to say.

Our trip down memory lane stopped when we came out of the closet. Let me continue....

The next few weeks were really horrible, I was treated like I came home and told my parents that I was pregnant. They stopped talking when I walked into a room, They no longer asked how I was and barely even spoke to me; except to make sure that I wasn't going to see "that boy" every time I ventured out of the house.

Of course I was going to see that boy. Before nko? But it did make it harder for us to spend time together. A few stolen hours here and there but never enough. When my dad announced that he was going for a convention in New York and that he would be gone for a few weeks, I was over the moon. It meant that I could have breathing space. Momsi wasn't so bad. It was my dad that was bent on punishing me.

On the day when he was supposed to be travelling, I woke up with a smile on my face. Freedom! I was so helpful; I ironed his shirt, I helped him look for his ever elusive glasses, I even volunteered to go to Boots to by some last minute gifts for some people. On my way back from Boots, I called you to let you know that popsi would soon be en route to Yankee. My mum was going to night vigil and Toks Jnr was in Warwick. We arranged to go to the movies, something we hadn't been able to do in ages.

Popsi's cab came and then he was off. I tidied up the house , then I jumped in the shower and got ready, you were going to come and pick me up. I had barely gotten out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. "Papa, I am not even dressed" I said as I answered the phone, "do you want to come in?" "At all , I am alright where I am oh" you answered as if I was stupid for suggesting such a thing. "There is no one at home, popsi is on his way to NY, momsi is at a night vigil and Tj is in Warwick.". As I was talking I walked downstairs and opened the door. I couldn't see your car, obviously you had parked down the road. I laughed. All this cloak and dagger rubbish.

I left the door open and went back into my room. I heard the door bang and footsteps lead up to my room. You opened the door and came in. I continued changing and then I felt your hands around my waist. "mhmm you smell so good", you said as you turned me around. I lifted my head to kiss you and then I heard the front door slam shut. We both froze. Oh my God, I was hyperventilating. I pulled a jumper and a pair of jeans on as fast as I could.

We were in serious shit. We kept quiet hoping whoever it was would just leave. No such luck. "Tinuke Tinuke, where did that girl go" Double shit, popsi... What happened to his flight, why was he home? I looked at you, you looked as scared as me. I bit the bullet, "yes daddy," I said as I exited my room, closing the door quietly.

"Did you not hear me call you?" he asked without even looking at me. " I was in the shower" I answered. "Do you know that my flight is tomorrow, I was already at the airport when I realised, what a waste of money, anyway, where is that money that I gave you earlier, I need to pay the cab, I only have dollars." Triple shit.

I will go and get it and pay him, how much is it" I said as I backed out of the room. "Never mind that, just give me the money" My dad replied as he followed me out of the sitting room and down the corridor to my room. "Seun pls, be hiding, be hiding " I kept repeating this prayer as my dad and I approached my room. I held my breath and opened the door. No Seun. Phew!

I walked into the room with my dad in tow, I found my wallet and as I turned around to face my dad, I saw you hiding behind the door. There was no way my dad wouldn't see you when he turned around. As popsi was counting the money with his back turned to you, you tried to sneak out. We would have gotten away with it if he hadn't turned around very abruptly.

The look on his face was frightening. without even turning to look back at me he walked out of the room, as he got to the door, he turned round and adressed you directly. "Since you have decided to spoil my daughter for me, please take her, I will not have a rotten child under my roof. I do not want to see her here when I return" And with that he stormed off.

We both stood there in silence for a minute. Then with a sigh I pulled a suitcase out from under my bed and began to pack. "what are you doing" you asked me. "what does it look like, I am packing a few of my things, you know my dad does not joke. If I am here when he gets back I am dead, so I'd rather be homeless and alive, wouldn't you agree?" You sighed and started to help me to pack. I called Labake and told her that she had a new lodger.

This was the last time I set foot in that house for three years. When people ask me why I didn't beg, why I left so easily, my answer was always the same. " They wanted me to give up something that was a part of me, I didn't chose my family, they chose me. But him, Him I chose"

Always
Me