Its been a while since I have been on here. So much has happened in such a little time. I feel very guilty, this blog is where I come when I am sad, needing to release. But when I am happy, I can't seem to bring myself to write here, where Seun seems to still reside. His name at the top of the page reminding me that I have not truly let go.
Truth be told, you guys have helped me more than you realise. I have shared my deepest and darkest times with you. You who are always available for a chat whatever time, and a helluva lot cheaper than a counsellor.
In a way, this post is for Brown. Its been about 5 weeks since we last spoke. Have rang him a million times but I guess he has had enough of Tinuke, I wanted to email him a link to this blog and have him read about my life before him, my destiny unfulfilled, the fear of ever feeling such pain and despair hangs over my head. I will him to understand but this is Seuns place, not Brown. I wrote this email a few days ago but it sits in my inbox, I cant bring myself to send it.
Dear Brown,
The last time we saw you called me selfish, detached, and some uglier names which I would rather keep to myself. You say that I walk around with a chip on my shoulder, thinking that the world owes me something.
The last few months have been the happiest I have been for a long time, So happy that I feel guilty for being so happy. Like I have no right. You make me happy. You know you do. I am grateful for your patience. I don't know how else to explain my sometimes irrational behaviour. So.......
The day Seun left me I went home, the friend I was with offered to drive me to my parents house, offered to call Labake to come round, offered to stay over. I declined. I told him that I had already called Labake and that she was on her way. This was a lie.
As I shut the front door of mine and Seun's house, the darkness that met me is one that I would rather forget. I was moving around the house, but it wasn't me. I t felt like i was watching me.
I went to the bedroom that until recently had been Seun and my little nest. I dragged the duvet and wrapped it around myself. It smelt of Seun. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and let his smell engulf me. It was growing stronger by the minute and I suddenly felt a strong sense that Seun wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I called Aramide back and begged her to take it back.
'Mide, you were joking abi, I wont be mad, just tell me you were joking'
'just tell me you were joking'
I willed her to take back those words, in my mind, every thing would be alright. Her crying was the only answer I needed. My Seun was gone. The next few days were a blur for me. I was vaguely aware of people knocking at my door at regular intervals, screaming my name. It felt like they were all part of a dream.
I hadn't shed a tear, me, that cries over andrex adverts. For those days, I lay on the bed and didn't move. I didn't move to got to the toilet, I didn't move when I had to hurl, vomit rising from my empty stomach, I didn't move to drink or eat. I just stayed there, in my own filth, but I didn't cry.
In one of the rare conscious moments I had, I was aware of someone lifting me up, my own stench hitting me like a ton of bricks. The next thing I remember I was in a hospital, my mother, my father, Tokunbo and Labake all hovering nervously. I was missing a face, the most important face, and then I remembered. I cried like the whole world was going to end, I cried like my tears had an expiry date. I cried like I have never cried before or since. I cried until I could cry no more. I shunned the hugs of my mother and my father, they that rejected him, rejected me. It was Labakes bosom that finally muffled my tears and turned them into whimpers. I fell asleep.
When I woke up it was labake that was there, she explained that my folks were outside and that they wanted her to tell me that they were there if I needed them. I twas hard for me to process anything. Labake told me that I could leave if I wanted to. I went back to hers.
the next few days, i was consumed by dark thoughts, thoughts that I have only shared shared with one person. I contemplated killing myself, the desire to end my pain was overwhelming. I even took a tube to mile end, hotspot for banker suicides, I looked at the train tracks and wondered how painful It would be. I decided that while the pain would be unimaginable, it couldn't be worse than what i was going through at that moment and it would be over in a jiffy. I psyched myself up. The timer said the next train would be arriving in 1 minute.
I edged closer, wondering if I would feel my bones as the were being crushed under the train or if I would already be dead, I wondered if God would hold it against me, surely He realised that this pain was too much for me to bear. was he not the one that promised that he would never give me more than I could handle? He had not kept up His side of the bargain. A million thoughts ran through my head and I looked at the train timer, still displaying 1 minute. One minute in train time s is probably 5 in real time, but that day, it felt like forever.
There was some commotion behind me and I turned to see what was going on. It was two hooligans/children of nowadays in a full blown brawl. I looked for about a second and turned back to the task at hand. As my gaze turned to the tracks, it was obstructed by the train that was sitting firmly on it, complete with passengers, How did I miss my slot? I should be in a painless nonexistence by now. The thought pf re-pscyhing myself up was a little more than I could bear and I went back to Labake's
That night I went on my knees and cursed God, I called Him every name in the book, I blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in the world, for the wars, for the floods, for the famines, for Seun. And I cried.
2 days later, I woke up to find a business card for a grief counsellor next to my bed. Labake had written, 'call her please.' I looked at the card, it was made from cheap card, not the fancy kind I was used to receiving. I put it back where I had found it and got out of the bed. My dark thoughts still followed me around for the rest of the day. I weighed different options of taking my own life and none seemed doable. Where would I get a gun from, the force with which I would have to stab myself to cause serious harm is is probably more than I could muster up, and even then there was no guarantee....
That night I had a dream, I was at Seun's wedding, in the front row. As the priest started the ceremony, the brides dress started to melt away, underneath there was nothing, but I was the only one who could see that there was nothing, the priest continued the ceremony and pronounced them man and wife. I woke up and called the counsellor.
I tell you this just so that you can understand that you don't understand.
So that you realise that I am being the best me that I can be
I am battling my own demons
But I care about you and dont want to lose you,
My pride is begging me not to pick up the phone and dial your number, yet I do. You dont pick up. Am I not the same girl whose calls you said brightened up your day, whose calls once made you miss a flight because you just didnt want to hang up.
Pick up, please.
Friday, 14 November 2008
Friday, 11 July 2008
2 Months on. Tsk Tsk.
This is really becoming a bad habit- I deserve a spanking (Any takers?)
These last few months have been eventful, where does one start….. Moved to Abu Dhabi, I am finally enjoying the Middle East. There is H&M and everything. Moving was such sweet joy. Didn’t realise how unhappy I was until I was leaving. Gosh, may I never make such a drastic and impulsive decision again, Oh wait, Isn't that what I am kinda doing now? But its definitely out of the fire back into the frying pan, than the other way around, I can dress how I like, drink what I like. Sweet freedom
So I told Brown that I loved him. I didn’t mean to, He didn’t say it first or anything, it just came out. Brown is a Mr Fix It. Whatever the problem; he just has a knack for solving things. I say I am tired of my location but there are no available positions anywhere else in my company- He makes a few calls and I’m on my way to Abu Dhabi. I say I moving will be a nightmare- He organises my move so all I have to do is pack my clothes (and only because he didn’t want some pervy mover sniffing through my unmentionables) Even problems that are beyond his super-powers, Take for instance the time when I had period pains that were so bad that I was curled up in the foetal position all day, He went out and bought a hot water bottle and a duck feather??? With the hot water bottle on my lower back he stroked my upper back with the feather until I fell asleep. I slept for 8hrs straight and when I woke up, I felt so much better.
It’s so bad now that I call him automatically without trying to see if I can solve my own problems. I told him I was getting dependent on him; he said that was his master plan.
Anyway, we were in Chicago, me for a conference, Him for the sake of it. It was my mums birthday on the same day-a Thursday, and I had totally forgotten. At around 6, I remembered. Trying not to panic I called toks to ask him to add my name to the present he bought. Toks’s phone was going to voicemail. 7pm- Still going to voicemail. I remembered that he said he was going to Angola. My poor mum, two of her kids away, and knowing toks, out of sight is definitely out of mind.
Brown bounded into the hotel room and crashed the party for two that misery and I were having. After a 2 minute, what is wrong conversation and a leave it with me reassurance, I bade Misery farewell knowing that my mum would get at the very least a beautiful bunch of flowers.
Two hours later, my mum rings me and starts chastising me, “why are you wasting your money” “My extravagant daughter”. From the conversation with my mum I get the gist- Brown got someone to buy an extremely expensive LV bag that my mum has been eying for 2 months. She mentions the bag to all who will hear and then when asked if she wants us to buy it, she vehemently refuses and forbids us- and continues telling every one that will listen about the bag.
She was almost in tears and I could tell that she was ecstatic. I would never in a million yrs have bought that bag, not just because of the 1.8k price tag, but because it was an extremely ugly bag. But just hearing the joy in her voice, made me want to buy her the bag all over again. In one “Brown” move, I had gone from inconsiderate child to the best daughter in the world. I remember pointing the bag out to Brown, in a fleeting moment, certainly not enough for him to remember the make or indeed the bag, Like I said- Brown is Mr Fix It (Complete with super powers)
When Brown came back I jumped on him and after showering him with kisses, said I love you. It just came out. I didn’t mean to say it.
“Do you?”
I changed the subject and he didn’t push it.
Ooh, lemme tell you guys what happened to me last month-
Brown and I went t o a very small Italian restaurant by Camden Lock. There was one female toilet and one male. Anyway, after having a bottle of wine and some dodgy pasta, my tummy began to make some funny noises. I excused myself and went in search of the toilet. It was only after doing my business that I realised that there was no tissue. If there had been more than 1 toilet I would have scuttled off to the next one to find some tissue. So I waited… (No bag no phone) And waited, imprisoned by a lack of tissue and embarrassed at having done my “business” in a public toilet.
After about 15 minutes (hours in my head), Brown came and knocked on the door.
“T, are you okay, you’ve been in there for a while”
I wanted to die. Damn restaurant staff causing me such embarrassment
Damn me for not checking to make sure. Oh ground, swallow me, please.
I said I was okay. He asked again, I replied the same.
2 minutes later, a lady staff member comes into the toilet and knocks, you okay in there,
Of course I am not, I have been held hostage by a lack of toilet paper, what do you think.!!!!
“No” I answered meekly, grateful for the reprieve. After explaining the predicament, she went away and came back with a roll of precious paper.
I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life.
These last few months have been eventful, where does one start….. Moved to Abu Dhabi, I am finally enjoying the Middle East. There is H&M and everything. Moving was such sweet joy. Didn’t realise how unhappy I was until I was leaving. Gosh, may I never make such a drastic and impulsive decision again, Oh wait, Isn't that what I am kinda doing now? But its definitely out of the fire back into the frying pan, than the other way around, I can dress how I like, drink what I like. Sweet freedom
So I told Brown that I loved him. I didn’t mean to, He didn’t say it first or anything, it just came out. Brown is a Mr Fix It. Whatever the problem; he just has a knack for solving things. I say I am tired of my location but there are no available positions anywhere else in my company- He makes a few calls and I’m on my way to Abu Dhabi. I say I moving will be a nightmare- He organises my move so all I have to do is pack my clothes (and only because he didn’t want some pervy mover sniffing through my unmentionables) Even problems that are beyond his super-powers, Take for instance the time when I had period pains that were so bad that I was curled up in the foetal position all day, He went out and bought a hot water bottle and a duck feather??? With the hot water bottle on my lower back he stroked my upper back with the feather until I fell asleep. I slept for 8hrs straight and when I woke up, I felt so much better.
It’s so bad now that I call him automatically without trying to see if I can solve my own problems. I told him I was getting dependent on him; he said that was his master plan.
Anyway, we were in Chicago, me for a conference, Him for the sake of it. It was my mums birthday on the same day-a Thursday, and I had totally forgotten. At around 6, I remembered. Trying not to panic I called toks to ask him to add my name to the present he bought. Toks’s phone was going to voicemail. 7pm- Still going to voicemail. I remembered that he said he was going to Angola. My poor mum, two of her kids away, and knowing toks, out of sight is definitely out of mind.
Brown bounded into the hotel room and crashed the party for two that misery and I were having. After a 2 minute, what is wrong conversation and a leave it with me reassurance, I bade Misery farewell knowing that my mum would get at the very least a beautiful bunch of flowers.
Two hours later, my mum rings me and starts chastising me, “why are you wasting your money” “My extravagant daughter”. From the conversation with my mum I get the gist- Brown got someone to buy an extremely expensive LV bag that my mum has been eying for 2 months. She mentions the bag to all who will hear and then when asked if she wants us to buy it, she vehemently refuses and forbids us- and continues telling every one that will listen about the bag.
She was almost in tears and I could tell that she was ecstatic. I would never in a million yrs have bought that bag, not just because of the 1.8k price tag, but because it was an extremely ugly bag. But just hearing the joy in her voice, made me want to buy her the bag all over again. In one “Brown” move, I had gone from inconsiderate child to the best daughter in the world. I remember pointing the bag out to Brown, in a fleeting moment, certainly not enough for him to remember the make or indeed the bag, Like I said- Brown is Mr Fix It (Complete with super powers)
When Brown came back I jumped on him and after showering him with kisses, said I love you. It just came out. I didn’t mean to say it.
“Do you?”
I changed the subject and he didn’t push it.
Ooh, lemme tell you guys what happened to me last month-
Brown and I went t o a very small Italian restaurant by Camden Lock. There was one female toilet and one male. Anyway, after having a bottle of wine and some dodgy pasta, my tummy began to make some funny noises. I excused myself and went in search of the toilet. It was only after doing my business that I realised that there was no tissue. If there had been more than 1 toilet I would have scuttled off to the next one to find some tissue. So I waited… (No bag no phone) And waited, imprisoned by a lack of tissue and embarrassed at having done my “business” in a public toilet.
After about 15 minutes (hours in my head), Brown came and knocked on the door.
“T, are you okay, you’ve been in there for a while”
I wanted to die. Damn restaurant staff causing me such embarrassment
Damn me for not checking to make sure. Oh ground, swallow me, please.
I said I was okay. He asked again, I replied the same.
2 minutes later, a lady staff member comes into the toilet and knocks, you okay in there,
Of course I am not, I have been held hostage by a lack of toilet paper, what do you think.!!!!
“No” I answered meekly, grateful for the reprieve. After explaining the predicament, she went away and came back with a roll of precious paper.
I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life.
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Randy Pausch et al
Damn, Has it really been 2 months?
I seem to be having a problem sitting still, its not that I don't have anything to say, It's just that I can't sit still long enough to finish a post! I have 5 "drafts" which I started at different points in the last two months and just abandoned. I am going to attempt to merge them into one (hopefully coherent) post.
Randy Pausch
For those of you who have not heard this name before, he is a professor at Carnegie Mellon who has pancreatic cancer and has been told he has a limited time left. Anyway, Randy gave his "last lecture" to a room full of his friends, colleagues and students. Go to you tube, type his name in and watch it, It s 76 mins long but its a valuable lecture- I promise.
Good Time Guy
Okay ladies, you know that one guy in your life, that every one swears likes you but you aren't so sure, especially as he hasn't made any concrete moves? I say concrete because once in a while you catch him looking longingly at you or he leans in a little too much. Well he most definitely does fancy you!!
Just in case you cannot recognise him, lemme describe him in a little more detail. He is that friend that offers to be you and your friend's designated driver because he doesn't drink even though you are more than happy to hail a cab. The guy that quite happily foots the bill for all of you to get drunk and then take your hungry asses to Chinatown to soak up the alcohol. He is the first one you think of when you are at a loss of what to do or maybe when you need someone to go to the cinema with.
And every single time without exception, after each non-date, you gush obliviously "thank you so much, I had a good time?" If you have ever thanked the same guy more than twice using these words and he is not significant, in the only way significant can be interpreted in this context, then he is a good-time guy.
Guys, a free lesson: You do not want to be a good time guy. Its worse than being a friend, At least a friend has the possibility of a promotion to the "we were drunk and had sex" stage. A good time guy on the other hand will only ever be a good time guy. If a girl has thanked you for a good time more than twice and you have not made your intentions clear, then you are a good time guy.
I recently had a conversation with a guy that went a little something like this, I was a little tipsy at the time so I cannot remember half of it, bear with me. It was after a night out during a fleeting visit to London. I called up my ever ready musketeers and we hit the town. This guy who I never paid much mind except to acknowledge that he was a nice guy was also there.
We talked for a bit about the usual jazz, the credit crunch, labours lack of punch, Obama: a token or not etc. He change d the pace of the conversation and asked if I was in town for business or family. I told him that I was in town to see my boyfriend and he went silent. And I don't mean monosyllables, I mean dead silent. After about 30secs I broke the silence
Are you okay?
How come you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend
That because I didn't
So how long have you been seeing him
Not long at all
Frmmf
Pardon?
Nothing,
Okay, so what where we saying....
So I guess I am just your good-time guy?
Wtf?
I am sorry what?
I am the guy at whose expense you have a good time but that's it right?
I felt so guilty, because I have had a good time at his expense.
If I hadn't been overly enthusiastic with the alcohol I would have told him the same thing I am telling you but my mind works a lot slower in alcohol related situations.
If you don't make your intentions clear, then you really cannot blame a babe. We cannot read minds. Don't hint, spit it out.
In Case of Emergency Break Glass
Okay, the last bit was aimed at the boyz, here is a lil something for the gals. You know that little red display that say "in case of emergency please break glass?" You find them on trains, tubes, hospitals schools etc. Well, we all kinda know that they are there but we never really pay attention to it. However, if there was a fire, it would be a while different story.
Ladies, we most certainly do not want to be any guys "in case of emergency break glass" girl. That's a girl that a guy doesn't pay attention to but then in an emergency (in this context, emergency has no dangerous connotations) he breaks the glass or calls her up or hooks up with her.
Most times these guys are guys that emergency babes really like and they tolerate the behaviour just hoping that he will one day wake up and realise that she is the love of his life. Pah! Sorry but I am going to have to burst that bubble very sharpishly. An emergency babe is worse than a booty call, Because a booty call is a regular occurrence. An emergency babe is the babe he calls when wifey, the bit on the side and the booty call are unavailable and he cannot be bothered to DIY.
I was on the phone to a my cousin very recently and halfway through the conversation, he cut me off saying that he had to call his in case of emergency break glass girl. His words not mine.
I called him back immediately, curious about this metaphor. His explanation was a lot more crude and unforgiving than mine. In that conversation I was reminded just how prickish guys can be.
So I decided to share, If you like a guy and he only ever calls you once in a blue moon and only for one thing then you are an emergency girl. Cut him off. If however there are no feelings involved, you are a grown ass woman, do you.
Brown is not Seun
I have to tell myself this on a regular basis, because I find myself comparing them all the time and Seun always comes out on top. It got so bad that one time I actually voiced this comparison during a disagreement. Every one has told me what I am sure you guys will also say. He is not Seun, give him a chance, Its easy for Seun to come out on top, you have put him on a pedastal.
On the other hand, I like being with Brown, when I am not comparing him and sabotaging whatever it is we have.
*Sorry I stayed away so long.
I seem to be having a problem sitting still, its not that I don't have anything to say, It's just that I can't sit still long enough to finish a post! I have 5 "drafts" which I started at different points in the last two months and just abandoned. I am going to attempt to merge them into one (hopefully coherent) post.
Randy Pausch
For those of you who have not heard this name before, he is a professor at Carnegie Mellon who has pancreatic cancer and has been told he has a limited time left. Anyway, Randy gave his "last lecture" to a room full of his friends, colleagues and students. Go to you tube, type his name in and watch it, It s 76 mins long but its a valuable lecture- I promise.
Good Time Guy
Okay ladies, you know that one guy in your life, that every one swears likes you but you aren't so sure, especially as he hasn't made any concrete moves? I say concrete because once in a while you catch him looking longingly at you or he leans in a little too much. Well he most definitely does fancy you!!
Just in case you cannot recognise him, lemme describe him in a little more detail. He is that friend that offers to be you and your friend's designated driver because he doesn't drink even though you are more than happy to hail a cab. The guy that quite happily foots the bill for all of you to get drunk and then take your hungry asses to Chinatown to soak up the alcohol. He is the first one you think of when you are at a loss of what to do or maybe when you need someone to go to the cinema with.
And every single time without exception, after each non-date, you gush obliviously "thank you so much, I had a good time?" If you have ever thanked the same guy more than twice using these words and he is not significant, in the only way significant can be interpreted in this context, then he is a good-time guy.
Guys, a free lesson: You do not want to be a good time guy. Its worse than being a friend, At least a friend has the possibility of a promotion to the "we were drunk and had sex" stage. A good time guy on the other hand will only ever be a good time guy. If a girl has thanked you for a good time more than twice and you have not made your intentions clear, then you are a good time guy.
I recently had a conversation with a guy that went a little something like this, I was a little tipsy at the time so I cannot remember half of it, bear with me. It was after a night out during a fleeting visit to London. I called up my ever ready musketeers and we hit the town. This guy who I never paid much mind except to acknowledge that he was a nice guy was also there.
We talked for a bit about the usual jazz, the credit crunch, labours lack of punch, Obama: a token or not etc. He change d the pace of the conversation and asked if I was in town for business or family. I told him that I was in town to see my boyfriend and he went silent. And I don't mean monosyllables, I mean dead silent. After about 30secs I broke the silence
Are you okay?
How come you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend
That because I didn't
So how long have you been seeing him
Not long at all
Frmmf
Pardon?
Nothing,
Okay, so what where we saying....
So I guess I am just your good-time guy?
Wtf?
I am sorry what?
I am the guy at whose expense you have a good time but that's it right?
I felt so guilty, because I have had a good time at his expense.
If I hadn't been overly enthusiastic with the alcohol I would have told him the same thing I am telling you but my mind works a lot slower in alcohol related situations.
If you don't make your intentions clear, then you really cannot blame a babe. We cannot read minds. Don't hint, spit it out.
In Case of Emergency Break Glass
Okay, the last bit was aimed at the boyz, here is a lil something for the gals. You know that little red display that say "in case of emergency please break glass?" You find them on trains, tubes, hospitals schools etc. Well, we all kinda know that they are there but we never really pay attention to it. However, if there was a fire, it would be a while different story.
Ladies, we most certainly do not want to be any guys "in case of emergency break glass" girl. That's a girl that a guy doesn't pay attention to but then in an emergency (in this context, emergency has no dangerous connotations) he breaks the glass or calls her up or hooks up with her.
Most times these guys are guys that emergency babes really like and they tolerate the behaviour just hoping that he will one day wake up and realise that she is the love of his life. Pah! Sorry but I am going to have to burst that bubble very sharpishly. An emergency babe is worse than a booty call, Because a booty call is a regular occurrence. An emergency babe is the babe he calls when wifey, the bit on the side and the booty call are unavailable and he cannot be bothered to DIY.
I was on the phone to a my cousin very recently and halfway through the conversation, he cut me off saying that he had to call his in case of emergency break glass girl. His words not mine.
I called him back immediately, curious about this metaphor. His explanation was a lot more crude and unforgiving than mine. In that conversation I was reminded just how prickish guys can be.
So I decided to share, If you like a guy and he only ever calls you once in a blue moon and only for one thing then you are an emergency girl. Cut him off. If however there are no feelings involved, you are a grown ass woman, do you.
Brown is not Seun
I have to tell myself this on a regular basis, because I find myself comparing them all the time and Seun always comes out on top. It got so bad that one time I actually voiced this comparison during a disagreement. Every one has told me what I am sure you guys will also say. He is not Seun, give him a chance, Its easy for Seun to come out on top, you have put him on a pedastal.
On the other hand, I like being with Brown, when I am not comparing him and sabotaging whatever it is we have.
*Sorry I stayed away so long.
Monday, 31 March 2008
The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
I was waiting for a friend during a fleeting visit to NY when I saw her.
My friend was 30 mins late,
those that know me know that 10 mins is unacceptable but 30!
I really wanted to see this friend,
if not I would have left.
I ordered an espresso and tried not to get annoyed. I
smelt her before I saw her,
she walked right passed me and she smelt of spring.
Fresh, sweet, flowers in bloom.
And so I turned just to see, as you do.
My heart stilled when I saw her
Never have I seen such amazing beauty
Her eyes, oh her eyes.
They were big and beautiful
I was aware that I was staring
but an earthquake wouldn't have torn my gaze from this creature.
Her hair was long, beautiful big curls
That shaped her face like a frame
making her beauty more apparent
If that was at all possible
Her figure was a joy to behold,
She was neither skinny nor fat
Blessed with curves were curves should be
She was beauitiful, that she was
I watched her as if mesmerised
As she spoke, I watched men and women alike fall under her spell
She laughed but I was too far away to hear here
She threw her head back and rubbed her hands together, so animated was she
She was drinking a latte, at least I think it was a latte
She licked her lips and I was suddenly aware of how it felt to be a man
And to watch a woman weave a web of desire and intoxicating adoration over her prey
She must have felt me looking because she suddenly turned towards me.
My heart stilled but I couldn't look away.
She smiled, her beautiful pearls blinding me for a split second.
I wanted to smile back but she had turned way.
She was wearing a jacket and I guess the she was getting hot because she took it of
Her skin was caramel, unblemished
I noticed she was wearing an engagement ring
And I wondered how any man was able to capture her heart
Tinu, Tinu,
Was I dreaming or was she calling my name
No, It was my friend, not only late but rudely awakening me from my reverie.
I reluctantly averted my gaze to my friend who although beautiful in her own right, paled in comparison.
My friend was 30 mins late,
those that know me know that 10 mins is unacceptable but 30!
I really wanted to see this friend,
if not I would have left.
I ordered an espresso and tried not to get annoyed. I
smelt her before I saw her,
she walked right passed me and she smelt of spring.
Fresh, sweet, flowers in bloom.
And so I turned just to see, as you do.
My heart stilled when I saw her
Never have I seen such amazing beauty
Her eyes, oh her eyes.
They were big and beautiful
I was aware that I was staring
but an earthquake wouldn't have torn my gaze from this creature.
Her hair was long, beautiful big curls
That shaped her face like a frame
making her beauty more apparent
If that was at all possible
Her figure was a joy to behold,
She was neither skinny nor fat
Blessed with curves were curves should be
She was beauitiful, that she was
I watched her as if mesmerised
As she spoke, I watched men and women alike fall under her spell
She laughed but I was too far away to hear here
She threw her head back and rubbed her hands together, so animated was she
She was drinking a latte, at least I think it was a latte
She licked her lips and I was suddenly aware of how it felt to be a man
And to watch a woman weave a web of desire and intoxicating adoration over her prey
She must have felt me looking because she suddenly turned towards me.
My heart stilled but I couldn't look away.
She smiled, her beautiful pearls blinding me for a split second.
I wanted to smile back but she had turned way.
She was wearing a jacket and I guess the she was getting hot because she took it of
Her skin was caramel, unblemished
I noticed she was wearing an engagement ring
And I wondered how any man was able to capture her heart
Tinu, Tinu,
Was I dreaming or was she calling my name
No, It was my friend, not only late but rudely awakening me from my reverie.
I reluctantly averted my gaze to my friend who although beautiful in her own right, paled in comparison.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
How I Spent My Easter Weekend
I know there are a few people who will say I told you so, but the novelty of Riyadh is wearing thin. The constant need to cover up outside the compound (which is kinda like an estate, or a little village) is annoying and in the blistering heat too. furthermore there is no alcohol and one needs to do some James Bond moves to get a glass of wine. Ah, the days of walking into any corner shop and just picking up a bottle of (insert favourite alcoholic beverage here).
But the pros outweigh the cons, cost of living is negligible as is tax, It definitely beats dashing her Majesty a huge chunk of my sweat and blood.
I was in the UK over Easter weekend and I drank like it was going out of fashion. Barely had one bottle finished, and I would signal for another. The friends I was with watched in amazement as I downed 3 bottles of wine with amazing ease.
Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I had dinner on Easter Sunday at my parents and my heart was not heavy for the first time in a long time. all the reasons why we were not as we should seemed to fade away and i was just really glad to see them. My dad seemed older somehow, that scared me. it was a lovely dinner, there was a lot of genuine laughter, no awkward silences and my dad even referred to my brother's girlfriend by her name. He had called her "that girl" for so long that I had begun to doubt whether the man even knew her name.
After dinner my dad asked me to make him coffee, he always used to tell his friends that I made the best coffee in the world. I don't know what I did differently; hot water, coffee, sugar, no milk. I hadn't made him coffee in ages. As he sipped the coffee, with the usual ceremony of blowing then sipping, blowing then sipping, he asked me how I was. I told him about the heat rash I had developed on my back that seemed determined to buy a mortgage and set up home there. I told him about the my smelly boss, I told him about Mr arrogant and the lousy date, I told him about my fears that I made an impulsive move.
As I talked, I watched his eyes light up, his booming laugh as I picked the adjectives to describe my boss, as I told him about Mr Arrogant. He kept my gaze and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my dad, memories that I didn't even know I had came flooding back.
I asked him if he remembered how my brother and I called my mum honey when we were young because that was what he called her too. They kept trying to correct us but it took a while. Or the time I got locked in the toilet on his birthday because I had thought it was a good idea to lock the door and flush the key down the toilet; I was two. As we laughed, I heard my mum laughing, as I turned to look see what was going on, I saw here gently caress Tokunbo's face. It felt like the angel of God had passed over our home and made it whole again.
As I kissed my dad goodnight, I whispered "I love you daddy" in his ears, words I wasn't sure I would ever be able to say again. I couldn't explain it, it seemed like someone had rewound time and removed all the hurt and then fast forwarded it to the present time.
I spent bank holiday Monday with Mr Brown. he cooked me dinner and it was amazing. I kept looking for signs that it wasn't homemade, If it wasn't he hid it pretty well. After dinner, we curled up on the sofa and caught up.
"Eni has been calling me" he just blurts out. Eni is a friend of mine, we aren't all that closed but when one of my friends pulled out of the skiing weekend, i found someone to fill in just so the ticket did't go to waste. Eni was the only one available on short notice.
"Really" I answered, painfully aware that the green eyed monster was rearing its ugly head. "I didn't even know she had your number"
"She invited me round for dinner"
"Oh"
I turned my attention to the television, not wanting my body language to betray how I was feeling. Did I have any reason to be jealous? Was I just being a dog in a manger? But how dare that heffer just muscle in like that!
"So is that all you are going to say", he asks.
"What do you want me to say" I reply.
"Aren't you in the least bit curious to know if I accepted her invitation?"
"Did you ?" I asked
"No" he replied.
"Good" I answered, it just came out. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye and then he reached out and pulled me into his arms.
"you too dey pose" I laughed, more so because his accent did not suit the broken English. He smelt like my dad, aftershave and menthol. I snuggled closer.
I had no expectations for my bank holiday weekend, but it turned out to be pretty darn good.
But the pros outweigh the cons, cost of living is negligible as is tax, It definitely beats dashing her Majesty a huge chunk of my sweat and blood.
I was in the UK over Easter weekend and I drank like it was going out of fashion. Barely had one bottle finished, and I would signal for another. The friends I was with watched in amazement as I downed 3 bottles of wine with amazing ease.
Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I had dinner on Easter Sunday at my parents and my heart was not heavy for the first time in a long time. all the reasons why we were not as we should seemed to fade away and i was just really glad to see them. My dad seemed older somehow, that scared me. it was a lovely dinner, there was a lot of genuine laughter, no awkward silences and my dad even referred to my brother's girlfriend by her name. He had called her "that girl" for so long that I had begun to doubt whether the man even knew her name.
After dinner my dad asked me to make him coffee, he always used to tell his friends that I made the best coffee in the world. I don't know what I did differently; hot water, coffee, sugar, no milk. I hadn't made him coffee in ages. As he sipped the coffee, with the usual ceremony of blowing then sipping, blowing then sipping, he asked me how I was. I told him about the heat rash I had developed on my back that seemed determined to buy a mortgage and set up home there. I told him about the my smelly boss, I told him about Mr arrogant and the lousy date, I told him about my fears that I made an impulsive move.
As I talked, I watched his eyes light up, his booming laugh as I picked the adjectives to describe my boss, as I told him about Mr Arrogant. He kept my gaze and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my dad, memories that I didn't even know I had came flooding back.
I asked him if he remembered how my brother and I called my mum honey when we were young because that was what he called her too. They kept trying to correct us but it took a while. Or the time I got locked in the toilet on his birthday because I had thought it was a good idea to lock the door and flush the key down the toilet; I was two. As we laughed, I heard my mum laughing, as I turned to look see what was going on, I saw here gently caress Tokunbo's face. It felt like the angel of God had passed over our home and made it whole again.
As I kissed my dad goodnight, I whispered "I love you daddy" in his ears, words I wasn't sure I would ever be able to say again. I couldn't explain it, it seemed like someone had rewound time and removed all the hurt and then fast forwarded it to the present time.
I spent bank holiday Monday with Mr Brown. he cooked me dinner and it was amazing. I kept looking for signs that it wasn't homemade, If it wasn't he hid it pretty well. After dinner, we curled up on the sofa and caught up.
"Eni has been calling me" he just blurts out. Eni is a friend of mine, we aren't all that closed but when one of my friends pulled out of the skiing weekend, i found someone to fill in just so the ticket did't go to waste. Eni was the only one available on short notice.
"Really" I answered, painfully aware that the green eyed monster was rearing its ugly head. "I didn't even know she had your number"
"She invited me round for dinner"
"Oh"
I turned my attention to the television, not wanting my body language to betray how I was feeling. Did I have any reason to be jealous? Was I just being a dog in a manger? But how dare that heffer just muscle in like that!
"So is that all you are going to say", he asks.
"What do you want me to say" I reply.
"Aren't you in the least bit curious to know if I accepted her invitation?"
"Did you ?" I asked
"No" he replied.
"Good" I answered, it just came out. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye and then he reached out and pulled me into his arms.
"you too dey pose" I laughed, more so because his accent did not suit the broken English. He smelt like my dad, aftershave and menthol. I snuggled closer.
I had no expectations for my bank holiday weekend, but it turned out to be pretty darn good.
Friday, 14 March 2008
My Boss Smells!!
What do you do when your boss smells like stale beer, old cigarettes and questionable personal hygiene. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to liaise so frequently. He is so comfortable with me that he on occasion reaches over my shoulder to point out various things, which I never remember because I am trying so hard not to gag.
It really is that bad. I am so tired of it. I am surprised it is not a topic of discussion as he is quite hands on and I am sure I am not the only one who has an issue this.
The guy is really nice, mid forties, not bad looking and married!!! I would never let my enemy leave the house smelling like that, let alone my husband.
I know I can't say anything but I am dying from these different aromas that by boss has deemed me worthy of sharing!!
It really is that bad. I am so tired of it. I am surprised it is not a topic of discussion as he is quite hands on and I am sure I am not the only one who has an issue this.
The guy is really nice, mid forties, not bad looking and married!!! I would never let my enemy leave the house smelling like that, let alone my husband.
I know I can't say anything but I am dying from these different aromas that by boss has deemed me worthy of sharing!!
Monday, 10 March 2008
50 Red Roses
So two days after my conversation with Mr arrogant's and my mutual friend, I got the most amazing bouquet of roses. There were about 50. I smiled. I figured they were from Mr Brown who although his visits were few and far between, did little things like this to let me know he was thinking of me.I couldn't find a card anywhere.
I sent him a text to say thank you and that the flowers were lovely. He sent me one back almost immediately.
"I am sure they are lovely, but I didn't send them"
So who did? T'was a mystery, my love life is non existent, there wasn't really any names to consider. I decided to leave my little mystery until after work.
I am not sure how the white paper amongst the red caught my eye but it did, the card was so far down that I scratched myself trying to get it. It read
"Do Over?, Mr Arrogant" . I almost hissed. Nonsense. Is that meant to be an apology? I ignored it.
3 days later I get call from His Majesty himself.
So how about it?
No hello, no nothing.
How about what
A do over. I assume you got the flowers
Yes I did, thank you.
So....
So what....
Are you open to the idea of a do over or not.
Why?
Why do I want one?
No, Why should I give you a second chance.
He clears his throat. Silence.
I am not asking for another chance, I just feel that maybe neither of us were at our best and if we gave it another shot, I mean, who knows. By all accounts you are an interesting women. I guess I didn't see that.
I hissed (yes I did)
I don't know if it was down to the fact that it was 8am on a day when I had promised myself I was going to hibernate until noon, or because I had PMT and all the pains that come with it, but I just didn't have the patience that was required to be graceful to Mr A.
"The only reason that you feel like I talk too little is because you talk too much. The only reason you felt like I wasn't very interesting is because I spent most of the date wishing it would end as opposed to trying to engage you. I find you arrogant, rude and quite frankly I would not put myself through that torture again."
Silence
He clears his throat,
"I guess that's a no then"
I had to laugh, of course it was a no.
I can't be all bad if I make you laugh, Can I?
I guess not. Listen, I am going to have to go, I am supposed to be somewhere and I need to get ready (lie)
So what if I promised to shut up and let you do all the talking.
Err, Hell No...
I would gave to check my diary, I don't know I ...
Stop trying to fob me off. I know you think I am an arrogant prick. At least I am trying.
The only reason you are trying is because somebody has told you that the impression you have of me is wrong, so you want to find out for yourself. I am not trying to be rude or disregard your effort but I believe that the impression I have of you is the right one.
Am I really that bad?
Yes
Really?
Yes.
What was the straw that broke the camels back?
Mhmm?
Why are you so adamant that you won't try again?
I think what did it for me was trying to get me to come home with you. I couldn't believe the gall.
I cannot apologise for finding you attractive.
I didn't ask you to
Give a guy a break. Jesus! What do you want me to do, rewind time.
Give up.
Its not in my nature
Okay.
Okay you'll go out with me again?
No.
At this point, I was getting a call from my mum and I literally rushed him off the phone.
Later on in the day, I get a call from Mr Brown. He asks how I am etc. Then he asks if I found out who sent the flowers. I said yes. He asked who they were from. I told him.
The thing with Mr Brown and I is that distance became a hindering factor before we had passed the "getting to know you" phase. As a result, that phase is extremely drawn out.
He didn't say anything about the flowers after that, but the conversation got stilted and awkward. I knew he was sulking but I wasn't sure if he had a right to. I ignored the sulking.
He says that he was going to come over for a few days, but he is not sure if I am going to have time. I ignore this dig as well.
I can't be bothered with all this dating palava, its is so petty and draining.
Jeez.
I sent him a text to say thank you and that the flowers were lovely. He sent me one back almost immediately.
"I am sure they are lovely, but I didn't send them"
So who did? T'was a mystery, my love life is non existent, there wasn't really any names to consider. I decided to leave my little mystery until after work.
I am not sure how the white paper amongst the red caught my eye but it did, the card was so far down that I scratched myself trying to get it. It read
"Do Over?, Mr Arrogant" . I almost hissed. Nonsense. Is that meant to be an apology? I ignored it.
3 days later I get call from His Majesty himself.
So how about it?
No hello, no nothing.
How about what
A do over. I assume you got the flowers
Yes I did, thank you.
So....
So what....
Are you open to the idea of a do over or not.
Why?
Why do I want one?
No, Why should I give you a second chance.
He clears his throat. Silence.
I am not asking for another chance, I just feel that maybe neither of us were at our best and if we gave it another shot, I mean, who knows. By all accounts you are an interesting women. I guess I didn't see that.
I hissed (yes I did)
I don't know if it was down to the fact that it was 8am on a day when I had promised myself I was going to hibernate until noon, or because I had PMT and all the pains that come with it, but I just didn't have the patience that was required to be graceful to Mr A.
"The only reason that you feel like I talk too little is because you talk too much. The only reason you felt like I wasn't very interesting is because I spent most of the date wishing it would end as opposed to trying to engage you. I find you arrogant, rude and quite frankly I would not put myself through that torture again."
Silence
He clears his throat,
"I guess that's a no then"
I had to laugh, of course it was a no.
I can't be all bad if I make you laugh, Can I?
I guess not. Listen, I am going to have to go, I am supposed to be somewhere and I need to get ready (lie)
So what if I promised to shut up and let you do all the talking.
Err, Hell No...
I would gave to check my diary, I don't know I ...
Stop trying to fob me off. I know you think I am an arrogant prick. At least I am trying.
The only reason you are trying is because somebody has told you that the impression you have of me is wrong, so you want to find out for yourself. I am not trying to be rude or disregard your effort but I believe that the impression I have of you is the right one.
Am I really that bad?
Yes
Really?
Yes.
What was the straw that broke the camels back?
Mhmm?
Why are you so adamant that you won't try again?
I think what did it for me was trying to get me to come home with you. I couldn't believe the gall.
I cannot apologise for finding you attractive.
I didn't ask you to
Give a guy a break. Jesus! What do you want me to do, rewind time.
Give up.
Its not in my nature
Okay.
Okay you'll go out with me again?
No.
At this point, I was getting a call from my mum and I literally rushed him off the phone.
Later on in the day, I get a call from Mr Brown. He asks how I am etc. Then he asks if I found out who sent the flowers. I said yes. He asked who they were from. I told him.
The thing with Mr Brown and I is that distance became a hindering factor before we had passed the "getting to know you" phase. As a result, that phase is extremely drawn out.
He didn't say anything about the flowers after that, but the conversation got stilted and awkward. I knew he was sulking but I wasn't sure if he had a right to. I ignored the sulking.
He says that he was going to come over for a few days, but he is not sure if I am going to have time. I ignore this dig as well.
I can't be bothered with all this dating palava, its is so petty and draining.
Jeez.
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