Dear Seun

Ring Ring

2008-11-14T17:02:00.005Z

Its been a while since I have been on here. So much has happened in such a little time. I feel very guilty, this blog is where I come when I am sad, needing to release. But when I am happy, I can't seem to bring myself to write here, where Seun seems to still reside. His name at the top of the page reminding me that I have not truly let go.

Truth be told, you guys have helped me more than you realise. I have shared my deepest and darkest times with you. You who are always available for a chat whatever time, and a helluva lot cheaper than a counsellor.

In a way, this post is for Brown. Its been about 5 weeks since we last spoke. Have rang him a million times but I guess he has had enough of Tinuke, I wanted to email him a link to this blog and have him read about my life before him, my destiny unfulfilled, the fear of ever feeling such pain and despair hangs over my head. I will him to understand but this is Seuns place, not Brown. I wrote this email a few days ago but it sits in my inbox, I cant bring myself to send it.

Dear Brown,

The last time we saw you called me selfish, detached, and some uglier names which I would rather keep to myself. You say that I walk around with a chip on my shoulder, thinking that the world owes me something.

The last few months have been the happiest I have been for a long time, So happy that I feel guilty for being so happy. Like I have no right. You make me happy. You know you do. I am grateful for your patience. I don't know how else to explain my sometimes irrational behaviour. So.......

The day Seun left me I went home, the friend I was with offered to drive me to my parents house, offered to call Labake to come round, offered to stay over. I declined. I told him that I had already called Labake and that she was on her way. This was a lie.

As I shut the front door of mine and Seun's house, the darkness that met me is one that I would rather forget. I was moving around the house, but it wasn't me. I t felt like i was watching me.

I went to the bedroom that until recently had been Seun and my little nest. I dragged the duvet and wrapped it around myself. It smelt of Seun. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and let his smell engulf me. It was growing stronger by the minute and I suddenly felt a strong sense that Seun wasn't gone. He couldn't be. I called Aramide back and begged her to take it back.

'Mide, you were joking abi, I wont be mad, just tell me you were joking'

'just tell me you were joking'

I willed her to take back those words, in my mind, every thing would be alright. Her crying was the only answer I needed. My Seun was gone. The next few days were a blur for me. I was vaguely aware of people knocking at my door at regular intervals, screaming my name. It felt like they were all part of a dream.

I hadn't shed a tear, me, that cries over andrex adverts. For those days, I lay on the bed and didn't move. I didn't move to got to the toilet, I didn't move when I had to hurl, vomit rising from my empty stomach, I didn't move to drink or eat. I just stayed there, in my own filth, but I didn't cry.

In one of the rare conscious moments I had, I was aware of someone lifting me up, my own stench hitting me like a ton of bricks. The next thing I remember I was in a hospital, my mother, my father, Tokunbo and Labake all hovering nervously. I was missing a face, the most important face, and then I remembered. I cried like the whole world was going to end, I cried like my tears had an expiry date. I cried like I have never cried before or since. I cried until I could cry no more. I shunned the hugs of my mother and my father, they that rejected him, rejected me. It was Labakes bosom that finally muffled my tears and turned them into whimpers. I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was labake that was there, she explained that my folks were outside and that they wanted her to tell me that they were there if I needed them. I twas hard for me to process anything. Labake told me that I could leave if I wanted to. I went back to hers.

the next few days, i was consumed by dark thoughts, thoughts that I have only shared shared with one person. I contemplated killing myself, the desire to end my pain was overwhelming. I even took a tube to mile end, hotspot for banker suicides, I looked at the train tracks and wondered how painful It would be. I decided that while the pain would be unimaginable, it couldn't be worse than what i was going through at that moment and it would be over in a jiffy. I psyched myself up. The timer said the next train would be arriving in 1 minute.

I edged closer, wondering if I would feel my bones as the were being crushed under the train or if I would already be dead, I wondered if God would hold it against me, surely He realised that this pain was too much for me to bear. was he not the one that promised that he would never give me more than I could handle? He had not kept up His side of the bargain. A million thoughts ran through my head and I looked at the train timer, still displaying 1 minute. One minute in train time s is probably 5 in real time, but that day, it felt like forever.

There was some commotion behind me and I turned to see what was going on. It was two hooligans/children of nowadays in a full blown brawl. I looked for about a second and turned back to the task at hand. As my gaze turned to the tracks, it was obstructed by the train that was sitting firmly on it, complete with passengers, How did I miss my slot? I should be in a painless nonexistence by now. The thought pf re-pscyhing myself up was a little more than I could bear and I went back to Labake's

That night I went on my knees and cursed God, I called Him every name in the book, I blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in the world, for the wars, for the floods, for the famines, for Seun. And I cried.

2 days later, I woke up to find a business card for a grief counsellor next to my bed. Labake had written, 'call her please.' I looked at the card, it was made from cheap card, not the fancy kind I was used to receiving. I put it back where I had found it and got out of the bed. My dark thoughts still followed me around for the rest of the day. I weighed different options of taking my own life and none seemed doable. Where would I get a gun from, the force with which I would have to stab myself to cause serious harm is is probably more than I could muster up, and even then there was no guarantee....

That night I had a dream, I was at Seun's wedding, in the front row. As the priest started the ceremony, the brides dress started to melt away, underneath there was nothing, but I was the only one who could see that there was nothing, the priest continued the ceremony and pronounced them man and wife. I woke up and called the counsellor.

I tell you this just so that you can understand that you don't understand.

So that you realise that I am being the best me that I can be

I am battling my own demons

But I care about you and dont want to lose you,

My pride is begging me not to pick up the phone and dial your number, yet I do. You dont pick up. Am I not the same girl whose calls you said brightened up your day, whose calls once made you miss a flight because you just didnt want to hang up.

Pick up, please.

2 Months on. Tsk Tsk.

2008-07-11T15:41:00.002Z

This is really becoming a bad habit- I deserve a spanking (Any takers?)

These last few months have been eventful, where does one start….. Moved to Abu Dhabi, I am finally enjoying the Middle East. There is H&M and everything. Moving was such sweet joy. Didn’t realise how unhappy I was until I was leaving. Gosh, may I never make such a drastic and impulsive decision again, Oh wait, Isn't that what I am kinda doing now? But its definitely out of the fire back into the frying pan, than the other way around, I can dress how I like, drink what I like. Sweet freedom

So I told Brown that I loved him. I didn’t mean to, He didn’t say it first or anything, it just came out. Brown is a Mr Fix It. Whatever the problem; he just has a knack for solving things. I say I am tired of my location but there are no available positions anywhere else in my company- He makes a few calls and I’m on my way to Abu Dhabi. I say I moving will be a nightmare- He organises my move so all I have to do is pack my clothes (and only because he didn’t want some pervy mover sniffing through my unmentionables) Even problems that are beyond his super-powers, Take for instance the time when I had period pains that were so bad that I was curled up in the foetal position all day, He went out and bought a hot water bottle and a duck feather??? With the hot water bottle on my lower back he stroked my upper back with the feather until I fell asleep. I slept for 8hrs straight and when I woke up, I felt so much better.

It’s so bad now that I call him automatically without trying to see if I can solve my own problems. I told him I was getting dependent on him; he said that was his master plan.

Anyway, we were in Chicago, me for a conference, Him for the sake of it. It was my mums birthday on the same day-a Thursday, and I had totally forgotten. At around 6, I remembered. Trying not to panic I called toks to ask him to add my name to the present he bought. Toks’s phone was going to voicemail. 7pm- Still going to voicemail. I remembered that he said he was going to Angola. My poor mum, two of her kids away, and knowing toks, out of sight is definitely out of mind.

Brown bounded into the hotel room and crashed the party for two that misery and I were having. After a 2 minute, what is wrong conversation and a leave it with me reassurance, I bade Misery farewell knowing that my mum would get at the very least a beautiful bunch of flowers.

Two hours later, my mum rings me and starts chastising me, “why are you wasting your money” “My extravagant daughter”. From the conversation with my mum I get the gist- Brown got someone to buy an extremely expensive LV bag that my mum has been eying for 2 months. She mentions the bag to all who will hear and then when asked if she wants us to buy it, she vehemently refuses and forbids us- and continues telling every one that will listen about the bag.

She was almost in tears and I could tell that she was ecstatic. I would never in a million yrs have bought that bag, not just because of the 1.8k price tag, but because it was an extremely ugly bag. But just hearing the joy in her voice, made me want to buy her the bag all over again. In one “Brown” move, I had gone from inconsiderate child to the best daughter in the world. I remember pointing the bag out to Brown, in a fleeting moment, certainly not enough for him to remember the make or indeed the bag, Like I said- Brown is Mr Fix It (Complete with super powers)

When Brown came back I jumped on him and after showering him with kisses, said I love you. It just came out. I didn’t mean to say it.

“Do you?”

I changed the subject and he didn’t push it.

Ooh, lemme tell you guys what happened to me last month-

Brown and I went t o a very small Italian restaurant by Camden Lock. There was one female toilet and one male. Anyway, after having a bottle of wine and some dodgy pasta, my tummy began to make some funny noises. I excused myself and went in search of the toilet. It was only after doing my business that I realised that there was no tissue. If there had been more than 1 toilet I would have scuttled off to the next one to find some tissue. So I waited… (No bag no phone) And waited, imprisoned by a lack of tissue and embarrassed at having done my “business” in a public toilet.

After about 15 minutes (hours in my head), Brown came and knocked on the door.

“T, are you okay, you’ve been in there for a while”

I wanted to die. Damn restaurant staff causing me such embarrassment
Damn me for not checking to make sure. Oh ground, swallow me, please.

I said I was okay. He asked again, I replied the same.

2 minutes later, a lady staff member comes into the toilet and knocks, you okay in there,

Of course I am not, I have been held hostage by a lack of toilet paper, what do you think.!!!!

“No” I answered meekly, grateful for the reprieve. After explaining the predicament, she went away and came back with a roll of precious paper.

I don’t think I have ever been so embarrassed in all my life.

Randy Pausch et al

2008-05-27T01:13:00.002Z

Damn, Has it really been 2 months?

I seem to be having a problem sitting still, its not that I don't have anything to say, It's just that I can't sit still long enough to finish a post! I have 5 "drafts" which I started at different points in the last two months and just abandoned. I am going to attempt to merge them into one (hopefully coherent) post.

Randy Pausch

For those of you who have not heard this name before, he is a professor at Carnegie Mellon who has pancreatic cancer and has been told he has a limited time left. Anyway, Randy gave his "last lecture" to a room full of his friends, colleagues and students. Go to you tube, type his name in and watch it, It s 76 mins long but its a valuable lecture- I promise.

Good Time Guy

Okay ladies, you know that one guy in your life, that every one swears likes you but you aren't so sure, especially as he hasn't made any concrete moves? I say concrete because once in a while you catch him looking longingly at you or he leans in a little too much. Well he most definitely does fancy you!!

Just in case you cannot recognise him, lemme describe him in a little more detail. He is that friend that offers to be you and your friend's designated driver because he doesn't drink even though you are more than happy to hail a cab. The guy that quite happily foots the bill for all of you to get drunk and then take your hungry asses to Chinatown to soak up the alcohol. He is the first one you think of when you are at a loss of what to do or maybe when you need someone to go to the cinema with.

And every single time without exception, after each non-date, you gush obliviously "thank you so much, I had a good time?" If you have ever thanked the same guy more than twice using these words and he is not significant, in the only way significant can be interpreted in this context, then he is a good-time guy.

Guys, a free lesson: You do not want to be a good time guy. Its worse than being a friend, At least a friend has the possibility of a promotion to the "we were drunk and had sex" stage. A good time guy on the other hand will only ever be a good time guy. If a girl has thanked you for a good time more than twice and you have not made your intentions clear, then you are a good time guy.

I recently had a conversation with a guy that went a little something like this, I was a little tipsy at the time so I cannot remember half of it, bear with me. It was after a night out during a fleeting visit to London. I called up my ever ready musketeers and we hit the town. This guy who I never paid much mind except to acknowledge that he was a nice guy was also there.

We talked for a bit about the usual jazz, the credit crunch, labours lack of punch, Obama: a token or not etc. He change d the pace of the conversation and asked if I was in town for business or family. I told him that I was in town to see my boyfriend and he went silent. And I don't mean monosyllables, I mean dead silent. After about 30secs I broke the silence

Are you okay?

How come you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend

That because I didn't

So how long have you been seeing him

Not long at all

Frmmf

Pardon?

Nothing,

Okay, so what where we saying....

So I guess I am just your good-time guy?

Wtf?

I am sorry what?

I am the guy at whose expense you have a good time but that's it right?

I felt so guilty, because I have had a good time at his expense.

If I hadn't been overly enthusiastic with the alcohol I would have told him the same thing I am telling you but my mind works a lot slower in alcohol related situations.

If you don't make your intentions clear, then you really cannot blame a babe. We cannot read minds. Don't hint, spit it out.

In Case of Emergency Break Glass

Okay, the last bit was aimed at the boyz, here is a lil something for the gals. You know that little red display that say "in case of emergency please break glass?" You find them on trains, tubes, hospitals schools etc. Well, we all kinda know that they are there but we never really pay attention to it. However, if there was a fire, it would be a while different story.

Ladies, we most certainly do not want to be any guys "in case of emergency break glass" girl. That's a girl that a guy doesn't pay attention to but then in an emergency (in this context, emergency has no dangerous connotations) he breaks the glass or calls her up or hooks up with her.

Most times these guys are guys that emergency babes really like and they tolerate the behaviour just hoping that he will one day wake up and realise that she is the love of his life. Pah! Sorry but I am going to have to burst that bubble very sharpishly. An emergency babe is worse than a booty call, Because a booty call is a regular occurrence. An emergency babe is the babe he calls when wifey, the bit on the side and the booty call are unavailable and he cannot be bothered to DIY.

I was on the phone to a my cousin very recently and halfway through the conversation, he cut me off saying that he had to call his in case of emergency break glass girl. His words not mine.
I called him back immediately, curious about this metaphor. His explanation was a lot more crude and unforgiving than mine. In that conversation I was reminded just how prickish guys can be.

So I decided to share, If you like a guy and he only ever calls you once in a blue moon and only for one thing then you are an emergency girl. Cut him off. If however there are no feelings involved, you are a grown ass woman, do you.

Brown is not Seun

I have to tell myself this on a regular basis, because I find myself comparing them all the time and Seun always comes out on top. It got so bad that one time I actually voiced this comparison during a disagreement. Every one has told me what I am sure you guys will also say. He is not Seun, give him a chance, Its easy for Seun to come out on top, you have put him on a pedastal.

On the other hand, I like being with Brown, when I am not comparing him and sabotaging whatever it is we have.

*Sorry I stayed away so long.

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

2008-03-31T13:32:00.002Z

I was waiting for a friend during a fleeting visit to NY when I saw her.

My friend was 30 mins late,

those that know me know that 10 mins is unacceptable but 30!

I really wanted to see this friend,

if not I would have left.

I ordered an espresso and tried not to get annoyed. I

smelt her before I saw her,

she walked right passed me and she smelt of spring.

Fresh, sweet, flowers in bloom.

And so I turned just to see, as you do.

My heart stilled when I saw her

Never have I seen such amazing beauty

Her eyes, oh her eyes.

They were big and beautiful

I was aware that I was staring

but an earthquake wouldn't have torn my gaze from this creature.

Her hair was long, beautiful big curls

That shaped her face like a frame

making her beauty more apparent

If that was at all possible

Her figure was a joy to behold,

She was neither skinny nor fat

Blessed with curves were curves should be

She was beauitiful, that she was

I watched her as if mesmerised

As she spoke, I watched men and women alike fall under her spell

She laughed but I was too far away to hear here

She threw her head back and rubbed her hands together, so animated was she

She was drinking a latte, at least I think it was a latte

She licked her lips and I was suddenly aware of how it felt to be a man

And to watch a woman weave a web of desire and intoxicating adoration over her prey

She must have felt me looking because she suddenly turned towards me.

My heart stilled but I couldn't look away.

She smiled, her beautiful pearls blinding me for a split second.

I wanted to smile back but she had turned way.

She was wearing a jacket and I guess the she was getting hot because she took it of

Her skin was caramel, unblemished

I noticed she was wearing an engagement ring

And I wondered how any man was able to capture her heart

Tinu, Tinu,

Was I dreaming or was she calling my name

No, It was my friend, not only late but rudely awakening me from my reverie.

I reluctantly averted my gaze to my friend who although beautiful in her own right, paled in comparison.

How I Spent My Easter Weekend

2008-03-29T14:37:00.004Z

I know there are a few people who will say I told you so, but the novelty of Riyadh is wearing thin. The constant need to cover up outside the compound (which is kinda like an estate, or a little village) is annoying and in the blistering heat too. furthermore there is no alcohol and one needs to do some James Bond moves to get a glass of wine. Ah, the days of walking into any corner shop and just picking up a bottle of (insert favourite alcoholic beverage here).

But the pros outweigh the cons, cost of living is negligible as is tax, It definitely beats dashing her Majesty a huge chunk of my sweat and blood.

I was in the UK over Easter weekend and I drank like it was going out of fashion. Barely had one bottle finished, and I would signal for another. The friends I was with watched in amazement as I downed 3 bottles of wine with amazing ease.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, I had dinner on Easter Sunday at my parents and my heart was not heavy for the first time in a long time. all the reasons why we were not as we should seemed to fade away and i was just really glad to see them. My dad seemed older somehow, that scared me. it was a lovely dinner, there was a lot of genuine laughter, no awkward silences and my dad even referred to my brother's girlfriend by her name. He had called her "that girl" for so long that I had begun to doubt whether the man even knew her name.

After dinner my dad asked me to make him coffee, he always used to tell his friends that I made the best coffee in the world. I don't know what I did differently; hot water, coffee, sugar, no milk. I hadn't made him coffee in ages. As he sipped the coffee, with the usual ceremony of blowing then sipping, blowing then sipping, he asked me how I was. I told him about the heat rash I had developed on my back that seemed determined to buy a mortgage and set up home there. I told him about the my smelly boss, I told him about Mr arrogant and the lousy date, I told him about my fears that I made an impulsive move.

As I talked, I watched his eyes light up, his booming laugh as I picked the adjectives to describe my boss, as I told him about Mr Arrogant. He kept my gaze and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my dad, memories that I didn't even know I had came flooding back.

I asked him if he remembered how my brother and I called my mum honey when we were young because that was what he called her too. They kept trying to correct us but it took a while. Or the time I got locked in the toilet on his birthday because I had thought it was a good idea to lock the door and flush the key down the toilet; I was two. As we laughed, I heard my mum laughing, as I turned to look see what was going on, I saw here gently caress Tokunbo's face. It felt like the angel of God had passed over our home and made it whole again.

As I kissed my dad goodnight, I whispered "I love you daddy" in his ears, words I wasn't sure I would ever be able to say again. I couldn't explain it, it seemed like someone had rewound time and removed all the hurt and then fast forwarded it to the present time.

I spent bank holiday Monday with Mr Brown. he cooked me dinner and it was amazing. I kept looking for signs that it wasn't homemade, If it wasn't he hid it pretty well. After dinner, we curled up on the sofa and caught up.

"Eni has been calling me" he just blurts out. Eni is a friend of mine, we aren't all that closed but when one of my friends pulled out of the skiing weekend, i found someone to fill in just so the ticket did't go to waste. Eni was the only one available on short notice.

"Really" I answered, painfully aware that the green eyed monster was rearing its ugly head. "I didn't even know she had your number"

"She invited me round for dinner"

"Oh"

I turned my attention to the television, not wanting my body language to betray how I was feeling. Did I have any reason to be jealous? Was I just being a dog in a manger? But how dare that heffer just muscle in like that!

"So is that all you are going to say", he asks.

"What do you want me to say" I reply.

"Aren't you in the least bit curious to know if I accepted her invitation?"

"Did you ?" I asked

"No" he replied.

"Good" I answered, it just came out. I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye and then he reached out and pulled me into his arms.

"you too dey pose" I laughed, more so because his accent did not suit the broken English. He smelt like my dad, aftershave and menthol. I snuggled closer.

I had no expectations for my bank holiday weekend, but it turned out to be pretty darn good.

My Boss Smells!!

2008-03-14T17:44:00.003Z

What do you do when your boss smells like stale beer, old cigarettes and questionable personal hygiene. It wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to liaise so frequently. He is so comfortable with me that he on occasion reaches over my shoulder to point out various things, which I never remember because I am trying so hard not to gag.

It really is that bad. I am so tired of it. I am surprised it is not a topic of discussion as he is quite hands on and I am sure I am not the only one who has an issue this.

The guy is really nice, mid forties, not bad looking and married!!! I would never let my enemy leave the house smelling like that, let alone my husband.

I know I can't say anything but I am dying from these different aromas that by boss has deemed me worthy of sharing!!

50 Red Roses

2008-03-10T16:15:00.004Z

So two days after my conversation with Mr arrogant's and my mutual friend, I got the most amazing bouquet of roses. There were about 50. I smiled. I figured they were from Mr Brown who although his visits were few and far between, did little things like this to let me know he was thinking of me.I couldn't find a card anywhere.

I sent him a text to say thank you and that the flowers were lovely. He sent me one back almost immediately.

"I am sure they are lovely, but I didn't send them"

So who did? T'was a mystery, my love life is non existent, there wasn't really any names to consider. I decided to leave my little mystery until after work.

I am not sure how the white paper amongst the red caught my eye but it did, the card was so far down that I scratched myself trying to get it. It read

"Do Over?, Mr Arrogant" . I almost hissed. Nonsense. Is that meant to be an apology? I ignored it.

3 days later I get call from His Majesty himself.

So how about it?

No hello, no nothing.

How about what

A do over. I assume you got the flowers

Yes I did, thank you.

So....

So what....

Are you open to the idea of a do over or not.

Why?

Why do I want one?

No, Why should I give you a second chance.

He clears his throat. Silence.

I am not asking for another chance, I just feel that maybe neither of us were at our best and if we gave it another shot, I mean, who knows. By all accounts you are an interesting women. I guess I didn't see that.

I hissed (yes I did)

I don't know if it was down to the fact that it was 8am on a day when I had promised myself I was going to hibernate until noon, or because I had PMT and all the pains that come with it, but I just didn't have the patience that was required to be graceful to Mr A.

"The only reason that you feel like I talk too little is because you talk too much. The only reason you felt like I wasn't very interesting is because I spent most of the date wishing it would end as opposed to trying to engage you. I find you arrogant, rude and quite frankly I would not put myself through that torture again."

Silence

He clears his throat,

"I guess that's a no then"

I had to laugh, of course it was a no.

I can't be all bad if I make you laugh, Can I?

I guess not. Listen, I am going to have to go, I am supposed to be somewhere and I need to get ready (lie)

So what if I promised to shut up and let you do all the talking.

Err, Hell No...

I would gave to check my diary, I don't know I ...

Stop trying to fob me off. I know you think I am an arrogant prick. At least I am trying.

The only reason you are trying is because somebody has told you that the impression you have of me is wrong, so you want to find out for yourself. I am not trying to be rude or disregard your effort but I believe that the impression I have of you is the right one.

Am I really that bad?

Yes

Really?

Yes.

What was the straw that broke the camels back?

Mhmm?

Why are you so adamant that you won't try again?

I think what did it for me was trying to get me to come home with you. I couldn't believe the gall.

I cannot apologise for finding you attractive.

I didn't ask you to

Give a guy a break. Jesus! What do you want me to do, rewind time.

Give up.

Its not in my nature

Okay.

Okay you'll go out with me again?

No.

At this point, I was getting a call from my mum and I literally rushed him off the phone.

Later on in the day, I get a call from Mr Brown. He asks how I am etc. Then he asks if I found out who sent the flowers. I said yes. He asked who they were from. I told him.

The thing with Mr Brown and I is that distance became a hindering factor before we had passed the "getting to know you" phase. As a result, that phase is extremely drawn out.

He didn't say anything about the flowers after that, but the conversation got stilted and awkward. I knew he was sulking but I wasn't sure if he had a right to. I ignored the sulking.

He says that he was going to come over for a few days, but he is not sure if I am going to have time. I ignore this dig as well.

I can't be bothered with all this dating palava, its is so petty and draining.
Jeez.

So I'm a Lousy First Date

2008-02-22T12:10:00.003Z

I was out walking a few weeks ago and I bumped, quite literally into a tall and very handsome Nigerian man. It was so nice to see a fellow Nigerian that I forgot all the usual airs and graces. After we established our Nationalities, we talked for a minute. The usual what do you do, why Saudi, etc. Then he asked for my number, I gave it to him, I also gave him my email address. What may seem forward for a normal situation seemed the natural thing to do under the circumstances.

So he called me the next day and said we should go to dinner. I was excited. Something to do! On the day, I started wondering, is this a date? or just two fellow Nigerians hooking up? I wore a black dress, you can never go wrong in black. He was 15mins late in picking me up. I know 15mins is not a big deal but he didn't even apologise for being late.

We get to the restaurant and it's this quaint little pizzeria that I found quite endearing. fine dining it was not but it was warm and cosy and gave us the chance to talk. This guy spent the whole time talking talking about how rich he was and how hard he works and how girls throw themselves at him (I swear!!) He didn't even try and get to know me and I just kept staring at him wondering if it was really possible for anyone to talk nonstop for so long without stopping to breathe.

After a while, he notices that I have hardly said a word and says " you are a quiet one aren't you?"

I didnt know quite what to say, quiet? er not quite, maybe if you had let me get a word in edge ways, maybe if you weren't so self obsessed. maybe.

I just nodded in agreement. I looked at my watch, had it really only been 30 mins? I groaned inwardly. I decided to make a conscious effort. Maybe he was just trying to impress me. Maybe if i let him know that he doesn't have to try so hard. I take a deep breath.

You know, it is always nice to see a self assured man, especially at your age.

Mhmm, I have always been confident, some call it arrogance but you don't get where I am by being timid.

How is Saudi, I am still finding my feet.

Its the same as all the other cities in the world, if you are rich, girls want you. I am so bored with women I tell you

Okay.....

What is your 10 yr plan?

Er, its kinda hard to answer that question, I really don't know, Depends on where I find myself, I would definitely like to work for....

No I mean, marriage etc. You must have a plan. Don't tell me that you are just working on your career.

At this point he cocks his eyebrow in a way that made me want to slap that smirk of his face.

Well, I guess I am. Man proposes and all that.

That is bullshit and you know it (excuse me?) you women forget that having kids has an expiry date

Can we change the subject please

Why

Because I am in danger of forgetting my manners and poking your eyes out you arrogant prick.

Because I don't really think I need to justify myself to a man I just met.

He silently watches me for a second.

Then he continues his rant about his rolls Royce or his many employees who drive him round the bend. As my eyes were starting to glaze over he mentions a name I recognise. A friend of mine, I perked up, but i had missed what he said. Could he really be friends with my sweet, kind hearted gentlemanly friend. I wanted to casually ask but he looked like he was ready to go and I was grateful that the ordeal was wrapping up.

As he pulled up to my house, he made no effort to open the door, so as I reached for the door, he held my hand.

Don't go, why don't you come back to mine, my housekeeper made a lovely tiramisu.

No thanks, couldn't eat another bit.

So come back for coffee

No thanks

Why

I almost laughed in his face but my mother raised a polite munchkin. Instead, I just yanked the door open. As I did, he leaned into me as if to kiss me. I ducked and got out the car. As he drove off, I looked on in amazement.

A couple of days later, I called our mutual friend and casually brought up Mr arrogant.

"Oh, no way!"!

"No way what," I asked

"Are you the lousy first date?"

"What?"

"He said he had a date with a girl who didn't say two words, so much so that he began to doubt her ability to string sentences together."

What!!!!!

I started to laugh,

"What is funny. Is it you?"

"Yep", I answered, "I guess I am a lousy date."

Reply All!

2008-01-28T15:41:00.000Z

I am sure we have all been there.....

So its Mr Brown's birthday in a few weeks, he decided that he wanted to have a skiing weekend. So he sent me an email inviting me.The thought of spending a whole weekend with Mr Brown and his leery friends was more than I could bear and I told him as much. "Bring a couple of friends" he suggested. I thought about it, It would be nice to see my friends.

So I sent them an email inviting them on behalf of Mr Brown, I sent the invite to Mr Brown, just so that he could bear witness to me trying to recruit erm, I meant invite, some backup, I mean friends for his drunken weekend, I mean birthday.

Anyway, they sent a polite email back to us (i.e Brown and I ) asking what kind of costs they would incur etc. Brown emailed back to say that as they were his guest he would take care of it. In the meantime, my friends were emailing me on the sly, as we do. Asking what the story was, they knew who Mr Brown was, they just didn't realise that we were on a "spending a weekend together" level.

When they got Browns email about the costs, they emailed him an appropriate email, saying thank you for the invitation and that they would RSVP as soon as they could. The email they sent to me was more hooray, who no like free thing!

Anyway, we started a conversation about Brown, in which I proceeded to tell them how he had surprised me a week ago by coming over. How he helped me unpack the stuff that I "kept meaning to unpack", insisted on paying for my television which he argued was a housewarming present. I told them about how we went to dinner and how I kept wishing the weekend wouldn't end so he wouldn't have to leave. I am unsure how much of this was real and how much was simply home sickness. Anyway after that, we have spoken pretty much every day.

I don't know if it is the same with every one but I have a couple of friends that I can tell everything and unfortunately I just happened to be emailing these particular friends. I tell them how being close to him feels comfortable; like an old jumper and how his laugh reminds me of Seun's laugh which makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I tell them how every time he leans in to kiss my cheek I am willing him to kiss my lips but relieved when he doesn't.

My friends are extremely pro-Brown but I get the feeling that they will be Pro-the grim reaper if it means I actually go on a date. They tell me its natural to feel this way and that I am just reconciling with the fact that I am moving on. I tell them about a dream I had where I was getting married to Seun but my dress was red and when it came time to say I do, I burst in to tears and legged it down the aisle. I tell them how I can't shake the feeling that I am betraying Seun, replacing Seun.

The conversation continued and we were having a simultaneous conversation with Brown. You know the kind.... "Tinu's told me so much about you girls, I look forward to meeting you... blah blah blah.

Then Tosin sends us an email "err did you mean to send that email to ALL of us"? What email? All of who? It turns out that my best friend decided to hit reply all instead of sending a message to us 2. I froze. Maybe it wasn't all that bad, I open the email and scroll down and down and down. By the time I had re read all the stuff we had said, including Labake's "I bet he has a firm ass, did you do a ass brush to check comment", I felt myself let out the breath I hadn't realised that I was holding. Damage control, he may not have read it yet. I recalled the email and waited..... and waited.....

What seemed like ages later, a response "the email could not be recalled as the recipient has already opened the email" Shit! Okay maybe he didn't scroll down, I mean: who really scrolls down, you just read the email that's on top. Right? Right?

The thing is Brown would never acknowledge having read that email, unless I asked. And if I ask, if he hadn't read it, then whats stopping him from reading it? I feel like I am playing poker with translucent cards. My friends think its kinda amusing. I think I need new friends.

But seriously though, I feel like he know exactly how I feel, my fears my wants etc. Its not fair. I need to read his journal or something. Level the playing field.

Chivalry vs. Chauvinism

2008-01-17T18:02:00.000Z

Happy New Year my people, I hope the new year is shaping up to be spectacular....

For me, I have to say that this new year is shaping up to be a challenge, Not just a new country but a new way of life and a new way of thinking. It's ironic that I rarely ever saw my family while I was in London, but I miss them now.

Sorry I went a little AWOL, but moving is stress like no other. And when I got here, there was no grace period, it was nose on the grindstone from the word go. But that is no excuse, so I will try to be a little more consistent this year.

So back to my blog title...........................................................................

In my new team, I am the only woman, nothing new here, I am used to being the only woman in a lot of situations. But at least in the U.K, I only needed to look around to see my sisters in various other teams around me, but not here, women are generally relegated to back office roles and admin positions. A member of my team kindly informed me that the general consensus is that I only got the gig because I know someone. Its the most infuriating position to be in, This is the 21st century, is it not?

Ok, now that I have vented, I have to say this cloud has a very massive silver lining. The men here are the most chivalrous men, I can't even remember the last time I had to reach for my purse or ope my own door. Its the most amazing thing ever. Guys in the Uk. do behave chivalrously, but it is exaggerated, as if to say I don't do this all the time, only for you. For the guys here, it does appear to be second nature.

I could definitely get used to being treated like this, but I feel like I have to object, I can still see the face of last guy who tried to open the door for me as I side stepped him and waved him in. Horror! But the truth is that this chivalry morphs into chauvinism and it would be hypocritical of me to enjoy the good bits and moan about the bad.

So I guess I cannot in all fairness enjoy free dinners, drinks. open doors etc unless I am prepared to adopt an all together more subservient role. As well......

I wrote a different post but when it came to crunch, I couldn't post it, so I wrote this instead. Maybe next post.

Watching Paint Dry

2007-12-18T02:33:00.000Z

I have never understood why people compare boredom to "watching paint dry". I mean, seriously, who the hell watches paint dry? Haven't you heard of television or a book for that matter? Having said that, these last few days have been like watching paint dry for me! I really do not know what to do with this unexpected free time. I wake up at 8, hit the gym for 90 mins and then the rest of my day is empty.

This is entirely new territory for me, what should I do with this time. I could do what I am supposed to do; pack, but packing is worse than watching paint dry. Besides if its not the last minute, then its not T.

I know I am whingeing and some people are thinking "bitch, I would love a few days off" but that's different. When we take a few days off, we make plans, go on holiday, hibernate in the bedroom with our significant other etc. But every one I know is working so there is no one to play with me. boo hoo.

Ok, I am getting a grip.

On a totally random note, I was talking to a friend of mine who happens to work in HR in a large international firm, and we started talking about weird interview questions and answers. I interviewed grads for the first time a couple of weeks ago. There was supposed to be two of us but there was some accident at Liverpool st and my partner was delayed. Anyway so I was interviewing this final year Cambridge student. Nothing to write home about, he was average looking, etc. But when we started the interview I noticed that he had the most amazing green eyes and by the end of the interview I could not recall a single thing about the dude. Feeling guilty I put him through only to be told off because apparently he wasn't the most articulate fellow (putting it mildly).

Anyway, this friend of mine tells me about a trick question that they throw in, usually when the poor guy/girl is in the middle of a sentence. At the first assessment centre where they piloted the question, they were apparently so disappointed with the answers they got that they only put one person through.

Question: Would you sell your soul to us in exchange for this job.

Some people answered yes, why? Because they wanted the job really badly. They didn't get through

Some said no because they believe that integrity i important and some things are priceless. They didn't get very far either.

But that one guy, apparently, on hearing the question, put his hands behind his head and said "In a heart beat"

When asked why, he answered "Well to be honest I don't know what my soul is worth right now but working for you or indeed any corporate law firm it's value is bound to depreciate. Based on this assumption, I would have no choice but to take advantage of an offer that hedges the inevitable depreciation. They guy was obviously a sharp guy, and he was African (not sure what county though)!!!

That is without a doubt the weirdest question I think I have ever heard? Does anyone have a weird question that they were asked at an interview?

Dinner with Mr Brown

2007-12-15T12:39:00.000Z

Ok so I finally gave my notice, After the usual "Is there anything we can do to change your mind" song and dance, they wished me well and asked me to clear my desk. We arranged a date for my debriefing and I turned my back on the place that had been my home for so long.

I hadn't planned on giving notice until just before Christmas, but I need some time to process all these things, to pack properly and to just chill out before I move. Now that I have no fall back plan, this move is seeming more reckless than exciting, but I am still young and if there was ever a time to take risks, it is now!

Guys I am sorry oh, it was never my intention to leave you hanging in regards to Mr Brown, its just that I was literally updating and dashing out.....

So I met up with Mr Brown and he was still very polite and unassuming. I was really thrown by his behaviour that it made me awkward.

Mr Brown: Thank you for coming
Me: No problem, It sounded kinda urgent, whats the matter?
Mr Brown: I am sorry if I made it seem like life or death, but I just wanted some advice, Its about my sister.
Mr Brown's sister is a legend unto herself, I knew her before I knew him and I didn't make the connection for a long time. On paper she is amazing, all the right schools, all the right grades, all the right internships. Even in person she looks/acts capable and competent. Okay, to be fair, I heard that she is pretty good at her job. But here is where it gets murky, Miss Brown is a total slut. I don't use this word very often but in her case I will make an exception. She has slept with half of the trading floor and is still working her way through the list. According to the rumour mill, she was caught in a very compromising situation with one of the big bosses. I really can't stand her, she may do a good job but she just makes it harder for herself too be taken seriously.

Me: Oh, whats the matter with your sister?

Mr Brown: You don't have to feign ignorance, I know you know what she has been doing, everybody knows, except for me it seems.

Me: Your sister is an adult and there really isn't anything that anyone can do.

Mr Brown: She is pregnant, she doesn't know who for, she wants to keep it. She wants to make my family a laughing stock.

Me: So what do you think I can do ?

Mr Brown: Talk to her, she seems to respect you, she always talks about you as if you are a superstar, In fact, she is the reason I met you.

Me: Oh?

Mr Brown: Ok, not the first time, which I cannot apologise enough for

Me: Water under the bridge

Mr Brown: But the time after that, the reason I decided to use you guys, to specifically request you. I just had to meet you.

Me: So did I live up to your somewhat exaggerated expectations?

Mr Brown: No, You exceeded it.

I hid my smile.

Me: Back to your sister, to be honest there is nothing I can do, I am flattered that she thinks so highly of me but she is a grown ass woman and she needs to make her decisions by herself. The only person that will have to live with it is her.

Mr Brown: And me of course, and my poor mother who I haven't told yet.

Me: So what exactly do you want me to do?

Mr Brown: Tell her that having a baby will ruin her career, that you had to make sacrifices too

My people, my guilty conscience at this point made my ears burn.

Me: Sacrifices? What sacrifices do you know that I made?

Mr Brown: I don't know I am sure you will think of something.

Me: Look, I really don't want to waste your time, so let me just say this, there is no way that I can convince your sister to get an abortion because it is none of my business. I don't even like the girl.... Oops
I am sorry, I really didn't mean to say that.

Silence................

Mr Brown: No, there is no need to apologise, speak freely.

Me: We don't have to have dinner you know, we could just go.

Mr Brown; Now why would we do that?

Me: I don't know, we have concluded our talk.....

Mr Brown; No, I am starving lets eat, unless you'd rather...

Me: I am hungry as well. Ok, lets eat.

Me: So, how is Hanatu?

Mr Brown: Who?

Me: What do you mean who? My friend, the one that you met at the poetry open mic,

Mr Brown: Well, why would I know how she is ?

Me: Didn't you exchange numbers, didn't you guys go out?

Mr Brown; No, we didn't but its interesting how interested you seem in my love life

Tinuke don't you dare blush! I didn't even bother to try and figure out why Hanatu had lied...

Me: Look, I am making conversation...

Mr Brown: easy tiger, I am just teasing.

I wanted to tell him about my new job, I wanted his advice, He was familiar with that territory. But I couldn't, he was doing business with my firm and I wasn't ready to have the news get out.

Me: How many sisters and brothers do you have?

Mr Brown: just the one, that's why I am trying to make sure she turns out right. You?

Me: Just the one, a brother.

................................................................................................................................................

After Dinner, Mr Brown offers me a ride home, I accept. sitting in his car, with him in such close proximity, I am hit by a lot of conflicting feelings. As if this wasn't confusing enough, his scent was distracting me from my thoughts and......

Mr Brown: Tinu, Tinu.

Me: Oh? Yes

Mr Brown, Are you ok, you seemed lost in another world

Me:, I was just running through my plans for tomorrow.

Mr Brown: You're home.

As I gather my things together, Mr Brown gets out of the car,

Mr Brown: Well that was fun, wasn't it?

Me: Yes, yes it was.

He leant in and I held my breath,

"Goodnight Tinu" He whispered in my ear as he barely kissed my cheek.

Me: Goodnight. Relieved that he hadn't tried to kiss me

At least I think it was relief

Rundown

2007-12-08T22:34:00.000Z

As promised, Here is a rundown of the last few weeks, I know I promised a long post but I am literally writing this and running out the door (e ma bi nu oh).

New job:

Let me start with my biggest news; I am moving to Saudi. It all started a few months ago when I was approached at a networking event, I didn't think anything of it as these things are always filled with totally drunk traders/bankers who have the tendency to (as we say) yarn dust. Anyway, this guy is telling me about some restructuring going on in a middle eastern trading house and that I should email him my cv. So I do. If it turned out that he was not serious then I haven't really lost anything.

Next thing I knew I was going for a meeting in the UAE. The actual post was in Saudi so we flew by private jet (me too I was tripped) to meet my new team. The ratio of men to women was appaling but I like a challenge. The offer was too good to refuse but I needed time to think. I love my present job and the people I work with but the offer was too good not to take the chance. I still haven't told anyone at work yet. The day I give notice is teh day I have to clear my desk and I guess I am not ready yet. I dont actually move until after christmas so I am bidding my time.

I am soooo nervous about this move, but excited as well. Wish me luck guys!

Conversation with My Father:

So I decided to go see my dad, it was a Wednesday so my mum was at bible study. As I went passed the stop on the tube that would have taken me to my house and away from confrontation, I braced myself. I had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to start. Who knew when I woke up that morning that I would be doing this come evening. It began like any other day.

I was having lunch with a friend of mine, Blue eyes is like my best guy pal, and Brad Pitt aint got nothing on him, no lie! We went to university together and were both serious library geeks. He followed me, or was it me that followed him.... Anyway, we wound up working at the same bank and we try to have lunch at least twice a week. The thing with blue eyes is that he is a real geek, through and through. He walks around oblivious to the stares and the girls going gaga over him. But he’s cool peeps, even though for a while I thought he was gay. Don’t blame me oh! How many men do you know will spend a whole day shopping with a girl and still be enthusiastic enough at the end of it to suggest that we pop into Russell and Bromley “because they had a pair of shoes in the window that would go nicely with that dress?”

So we are having lunch and we start talking about the hideous alligator shoes one of our bosses was wearing that day. No doubt it cost hundreds of pounds but if the alligators new the monstrosity that they would be turned into..... anyway Luther vandross’s “dance with my father came on and we both listen to it in silence, that song always leaves me with mixed feelings, it a beautiful song but I still wish he hadn’t written it. Blue eyes sighs and says “this song reminds me that the last time I saw my dad, I was walking out on him in anger, It was over a stupid car, next thing I know mums on the phone telling me that he was gone” We talked for a little while longer then we went back to work.

As soon as I got to my desk, I picked up the phone and dialled the number from memory. He picked up after a few rings. So here I was on the tube a few stops away from my family home, telling myself that I could just get off at the next stop and go home. A few stops later I got off and started to walk to my parents house, the walk usually took like 8 mins in a sprint. I was walking slowly and for what seemed like one or two minutes, yet here I was at the front door. I reached for the bell.

My mum was at bible study, but then I knew that she would be. I sat on the sofa and watched TV, my dad was eating his dinner. It used to be a joke, when we could laugh with each other, that my dad could not eat his food in one sitting. He started to eat, the made a call, then checked football scores, then ate some more, then another call, it usually took him about an hour to finish eating. I smiled as I watched him answer a phone call while trying to swallow a mouth full of food. At last he was finished. He came and sat on the sofa opposite me and “princess, you have my attention”
I took a deep breath.

2 hours later, I called a cab and went home

Sitting in the cab I felt a little lighter, I got home, ran a bath and then curled up in bed. When I woke up, I text my dad “good morning”

I guess we have to start somewhere...

My Date with the Dentist:

Despite all the pleas to go to the dentist and all the tears from the pain, Tinuke still couldn't bring her self to make that trip.

My friend calls me and tries to arrange lunch, I tell her I am working through mine, she insists. I figured she had something imprtant to talk to me about so I went. Thats how they ambushed me and hauled my ass to the dentist. As it turns out, it was no where as bad as I remembered and the discomfort paled in comparison to what I had been going through just bcause I was a fraidy cat. So I think my fear of dentists is a thing of the past (fingers crossed)

Mr Brown:

A few days after I went for my interview, I get a call from Mr Brown. I was polite but curt and after establishing that his call was in no way work related, I told him I was busy.

"Oh, erm I didn't mean to take you away from your work. I will let you get back to it" he says

This new unsure of himself Mr Brown was a revelation, and it kind of threw me. I immediately felt bad for dismissing him..

"Okay, I guess I can spare 5 mins, what can I do for you"

5 minutes later, I had agreed to have dinner with this guy, I don't even know how that came about. I know how to handle an arrogant Mr Brown, but this polite, nervous one? Well that was a whole new ball game.

After work, I hailed a cab to the Royal Exchange and in the cab, I pulled out my mirrow to apply a fresh coat of lipgloss. "Hot date?" the cabbie asks.

"No, work dinner" I answered, though it was really none of his business, was I really trying to convince him or myself?

Iknow it feels like I am rushing through this story. I will blog a bit more indpeth in a little while. I am packing, interviewing grads, looming deadlines and it just feels like there just isnt enough hours in the day.

xoxo

Moving, Talking, Dinner and Dentists

2007-11-30T00:17:00.000Z

My people, the last two weeks have been so eventful, I haven't even had time to process it all. When I do I am going to come back and give you an extra long post. But these are just the basics

I am moving to Saudi after christmas, big step for me but I am excited.
My dad and I had a proper conversation, no tears or tantrums just two adults talking.
I had dinner with Mr Brown, okay, so maybe he isn't a total @**hole.
I finally went to the dentist. Hooray!

When the dust settled I will fill you guys in on all the details of the past couple of weeks.

Ciao

Ladies Night!

2007-11-13T00:40:00.000Z

For the first time in forever I was having a girl’s night out

“Dinner round mine first” I had told them.

I picked up the phone and called Peking palace trying unsuccessfully to ignore their grumbling.

The wine was in the fridge; I took it out and watched the bottle start to sweat.

I make a mental note of everything,

It’s been too long since I had a night like this

I have missed my friends, we talk don’t get me wrong but it’s just not the same.

The door bell rings and I rush to get my purse

An aroma fills the hallway but it’s not Chinese, its Dolce and Gabbana’s light blue.

She has been wearing the same fragrance for four years, my friend.

I smile; the smell brings back memories, filled with laughter and joy.

I close my eyes as if I will be magically transported back to that time

I open them almost immediately; it’s time to make new memories

I hear screeches in the living room and I rush to be a part of the madness

How I missed the madness

They are talking about D’s dress; apparently it’s so short that she can’t even bend over

I make a mental note to be the pickerupper of any dropped items

We eat the food, we drink the wine and we talked the talk, hours went by.

As usual no one wants to get up, the planner in the group reminds us of the time

We all look around and burst out laughing, something about this seems way too familiar

After intensive cajoling, we all make it out the house,

The cab driver is a warm, funny old guy, as he drops us off, he tells us not to drink too much

As if!

The music was amazing, the company, incredible,

At the end of the night we struggled to all fit on my bed,

I remembered this part; it was the survival of the fittest

Where one person gives up and takes the sofa

No one ever wanted to be on the sofa, but tonight I gave in easily

I lay on the sofa and replayed the evening’s events as if willing myself to remember every detail

I hear a noise and turn to see my best friend, “welcome back T, I missed you” she says

I ponder that statement for a little while then I fall asleep.

Dentist Appointment? Oh, I'm too busy!

2007-11-07T21:27:00.000Z

"But I haven't even told you what day or what time?" I was glad my friend was on the phone and not in front of me. But even then, I could still picture the disapproving/incredulous look on her face. I didn't blame her, I knew I was being ridiculous.

How can a 25year old woman be afraid of the dentist. I have had this tooth ache for almost s month now and it just keeps getting worse. I have been going through aspirin like they are sweets. Yesterday someone actually asked me why I "pop" so many pills. I have to sort this out oh, before a rumour starts to circulate that Tinu is on drugs.

I had a doctor friend write me a prescription for antibiotics because my gp said it was passed that stage and needed a dentist's attention, So far it has had no effect.

Today was the last straw, it hurt so much that I couldn't concentrate and in the end I gave up and came home. Yet here I was refusing to take the dentists appointment. Na Wa oh, I need help, any shrinks out there please help me overcome this fear oh! At this rate I will be toothless before I qualify for a freedom pass.

Daddy's Little Girl

2007-10-31T13:59:00.000Z

Just in case you are experiencing Deja vu.....
I posted this yesterday and then I took it down. But then I didnt want to start censoring what I could and couldn't blog about so, here we are again.

I had dinner at my parents' house last month. Every time I go there it is so awkward and the long silences serve as painful reminder of a relationship that is still in shreds. I called my brother as I got to the station, just to make sure he was already there, I didn't want to be the first one. He wasn't there so I spent an hour in a coffee shop pretending to read a book. Is this how bad things are, that I would rather spend an hour doing nothing than to be alone with my parents?

So we are having dinner and no one is saying anything. To an outsider looking in, we might as well have been four strangers at a table. All our unresolved issues sat firmly in our stomachs constipating us, making conversation stilted and uncomfortable. The juice tasted sickly sweet in my mouth and I wished I was drinking Bourbon. Finally, after the 2 minutes silence that seemed like an hour, Tokunbo bit the bullet and started the conversation.

Tokunbo: Mum this food is amazing, I miss your cooking
Dad: Well, if you were seeing a decent Nigerian girl she would be able to cook for you, by the way how is that your white girlfriend.
They never asked how is your girlfriend, it was always "that your white girlfriend"
Toks: Actually Meg is an amazing cook, in fact...
Dad cuts in: You know your cousin Angela is getting married next month? On the 24th, I expect you both to be there.
I check my blackberry: I cant make it, I am out of the country
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: Abu Dhabi
Dad: Business?
Me: Potentially, So Angela's getting married eh? I bet Aunty Dupe is in her element planning this wedding
Dad: What do you mean potentially, it is either business or it isn't
Me: I have been offered a job, double what I am earning, the chance to help create something. Its a good offer, I have a meeting with ....
Dad: So you didn't think you should discuss it with us first.

At this point I look at my dad, and I wondered how we got here. I used to be daddy's little girl. I never did anything without his approval... until Seun. And now, when I looked at him, I felt resentment wash over me. Discuss what with who? I am a grown ass woman, I no longer live under your roof, I was about to say as much and then I caught my mothers eyes, silently pleading with me, begging me to keep up this charade of happy families.

Every time I am summoned to this house, I feel resentment. This is my home and this is my family. The bible teaches us to forgive and forget but how can I forgive these people who promised to love me unconditionally and then when I needed them the most, turned their back on me.

I remember breaking my leg when I was 12, I had fallen down a set of stairs and my dad came rushing. When I was screaming blue murder in pain, I caught the tears in my father's eyes and for a second the pain was gone. Its the only time I have ever seen my father cry.

Schindler’s List

2007-10-25T16:36:00.000Z

When Schindler wrote his list, every name on it signified life. Every ink stained signature meant that someone would live, even if it was just for another day. I write about a different sort of list. When I was a little younger, a little foolish and a lot naive, I and a few of my friends would engage in an annual list writing ceremony, No joke oh! We would gather at someone’s house, drink some alcohol and then proceed with our ritual. What was this list? It was the list of men that we had been with. Names, situation that led to the event, how we felt after (emotionally oh! all you carnally minded people!). This was a deep ritual, definitely not for the faint hearted. Seun if you are reading this; Jo ma ka eleyi

Usually the actual writing took only a few minutes as it was only adding to names already on the list. It was the aftermath that was time and emotionally consuming. For some of us it was quicker than most, those who had boyfriends or who just hadn’t had sex with anyone new in the last year didn’t take too long. Then there were those of us who had a few additions on the list, there was a lot of contemplating, soul searching and finally (or at least I hope) moving on.

But there was one, every year it was the same song and dance. She cried more than all the rest of us combined, added more names to her list, made new resolves, but yet we were still there, one year on doing the same song and dance. This particular girl is very close to my heart. She gives without expecting something in return, she has a heart of gold but she was looking too hard for love and she was looking in the wrong places. It was always the same.

The first phone call: Oh I met a guy; he is so sweet and kind, not like all the rest blah blah blah

The second phone call: Oh we had sex, he was so gentle and then he held me after and blah blah blah

And then it starts to unravel: I don’t know, I tried to call him but there was no reply and he has blah blah blah

It was always the same pattern. The thing is this girl is gorgeous, not pretty but “stop and turn around for a second look” gorgeous and she is kind. So sometimes it baffled me. Then one day during the course of the song and dance, the “I met a guy” became I met your cousin. I was kinda apprehensive, I didn’t want my cousin to be one of the names she would have to cry about in a few months so I called him and I warned him seriously. But the song was still sung and the dance was still danced.

I later asked my cousin why and he said that what strikes you the most about her wasn’t her beauty or her good nature but the desperation; a very ugly feature (his word not mine). How could I respect a girl that was so desperate to be loved that she didn’t even respect herself? I didn’t have an answer to his question. But my heart was breaking for my friend. I told her that she could never be happy with any man because she was looking for him to justify her existence and not complete it. Learn to be happy alone.

So I got another call not too long after my cousin, but it went a different route:

Ist call: I met a guy today; He bugged me so much that I gave him my number. I hope he doesn’t call

2nd call: This guy is sooo persistent; He doesn’t pick up on any of my "I am busy" hints. I will soon have to adopt a more direct approach

3rd call: No, no, I still talk to him, he makes me laugh. I just am not interested in him

4th call: I can’t talk, I am at the cinema with, let’s call him Persistent.

5th call: I can’t talk; I am the theatre with Persistent

12th call: How did I get here? I like this guy

65th call: Persistent asked me to marry him

During this call, you would have expected to hear shrieks and laughter but home girl was sobbing like there was no tomorrow. “I can’t marry him. He doesn't know how many there were before him. Imagine if we bump into a friend of his or worse, a relative who is on my list, then what?” I didn’t know what to say. I knew she wasn’t being paranoid, her list was extensive. Before I could even say anything, someone dragged the phone from my hand.

“You better don’t say anything. Are you stupid? If his friend says he has slept with you, you say “who me, it couldn’t be” Just keep your mouth shut oh, I am going to buy some champagne to celebrate”.

A week later she calls me to let me know that she posted her list to him. I almost choked

“What did he say? I ask

“Nothing, I haven’t heard from him.”

I felt my heart sink and I uttered words which had no conviction, “I am sure he will call. He just needs to process this information and come to terms with it.”

I wanted to call him and beg, on my knees if I had to but I knew my friend wouldn’t thank me for it. It was none of my business.

Two weeks later, he called her and ended their relationship.

Words on a paper can be so powerful.

Words on a paper saved the Jews in Nazi Germany

Words on a paper broke my friend’s heart

This double standard jars me something stupid. When did this transfer of power happen or has it always been that way. While I believe in being held accountable for ones actions, I do not subscribe to this one sided mode of delivering judgement.

If a girl for whatever reason, lapse in judgement, looking for a partner or just plain old choice, has more than a few people on her list, she is a slut but the men are celebrated. A man’s ego will never allow him to maintain objectivity when considering the men that have passed through his woman’s bed.

Bottom line is this; he cannot hang you if you do not give him enough rope and I do not mean be dishonest or withhold information, this is an individual choice. But in a relationship, it is important to maintain a very vivid sense of your self-worth. If you know what you are worth no one will ever be able to tell you different. So if a man comes along and he prices you down; tell him the price he is offering will buy him satin, and to come back when he can afford lace.

UPDATE:

My friend is fine, infact she is more than fine. I asked her permission to use this story and she has asked for the following addition:

*Although he ended their relationship, Persistent still called her from time to time looking for "a little tenderness"(which she declined), proving that he is a thoughtless wanker and what she was so heartbroken about infact turned out to be a lucky escape.

*Oh and that my cousin is also a wanker. He has no respect for her because she showed him love, which is totally alien to him because he was raised in the jungle.

The One Thing That Drives Me Hazy...

2007-10-21T22:53:00.000Z

Am I or the others crazy?

Woke up Wednesday morning with a smile on my face, the sun was shining and for the first time in a long time, I hadn't snoozed my alarm clock a million times, which meant I could take my time. So I had a spring in my step, the kind that comes from an extra 10 mins in the shower.

As I get in to work, I bump into Hanatu, Hanatu is someone I have known for a very long time. We all have a Hanatu in our lives, you know that friend that tells you the truth especially when it hurts? The friend that'll flirt with your boyfriend if you let her, not because she wants him but because its in her nature. Well that's Hanatu. We ride the lift up together.

Between the ground floor and the 5th, Hanatu had railroaded me into going to an open mic night in Angel later in the evening. A night out with Hanatu always involved some sort of drama and I really could not stomach any drama, but the plan had been made. I got back to work, and awaited my fate.

We were early, the place was virtually empty. We ordered some drinks and found a spot close to the stage. Hanatu set her drink down on a four person table...

"Why are we seating here, are we four people," I asked

"You never know, some cute guys may just be here tonight." she replied.

"So we are saving the seats on the off chance that you see some guy that you think is cute?" I ask

"Precisely", she retorts.

I sigh, knowing Hanatu we will definitely have company tonight.

An hour later and the blooming thing is just starting, I am getting impatient but Hanatu looks calm, expectant. I settle in to enjoy the show. Just as the first over exaggerated reading is finished, I hear a familiar voice, a deep slow almost mocking voice. I turn around, there is Mr Brown and a friend, a male friend.

Hanatu springs into action so fast that I felt the whiplash. "Hi guys, why don't you seat here, we were saving these seast for our girlfriends but they pulled a no show and we are starting to feel guilty for occupying a big table."

They sat down, Mr Brown next to me and his friend next to Hanatu. My mind was working overtime, this was too convenient. The invitation from H, the "saved seats", My Brown's perfect timing.... I kept quiet. Mr Brown's friend, I think his name was Mohamed, kept trying to engage me in conversation but I made it impossible by giving him one word answers

"So, what is your name again?"

"Tinu"

"Interesting name, Is it Nigerian?"

"Yes"

"Erm, Erm, so you like this sort of thing then...."

"Yes"

Poor guy but in my mind, they were all pat of the conspiracy. I looked at Hanatu pretending like she didn't know Brown and I wanted to just leave. Instead I excused my self and went to the bathroom. When I got back, Hanatu was whispering in Brown's ear and then they both laughed. Am I being paranoid or is this not the most obvious setup? I sat back down and smiled my way through what had turned into a long night.

The next morning, I went up to Hnaatu's floor to give her a piece of my mind but she beat me to it.

"Tinu, I am glad we went there last night. Wasn't Mr Brown just the most gorgeous thing you ever saw. We exchanged numbers and I spent half of last night on the phone with him. He is takling me out tomorrow night, I can't wait. "

I felt my anger bubble deflate into confusion, what was going on? so they didn't already know each other? "And Mr Brown wasn't there because of me" Wow, paranoia just creeps up on you.... So how come I was still angry? I smiled at Hanatu and told her I had a meeting. I lied.

Hello

2007-10-15T01:02:00.000Z

Firstly, I want to thank you, who have patiently followed my story. You who have allowed me to write at my own pace. You who became so emotionally invested in my story that you matched my emotions tear for tear. Thank You.

I was going to write this as my last post, as a symbol of the closure that I finally had. I didn't try to get to know any of you simply because it would have been too hard, sharing my story with you was personal in itself. But as I write what was supposed to be a last post, I ask myself if I am losing out. There are many great people out here and it would be an honour to get to know you properly. So here goes, my first attempt to write in the present tense.

So about a month ago, I went for a meeting with a senior associate and I expected to be the only one there. I was running late, not the best impression to leave with your boss. I broke into a sprint. The heels that I wore only because I didn't expect to do much walking suddenly felt like a bad idea. As I arrived, I caught my boss's eye, he looked a little pissed. Walking a little closer, I see that he isn't alone. Double shit!

"Tinu, this is Michael Brown, he heads up X company in the UAE, he took time out from his busy schedule and you kept him waiting"

Since when do Md's want to meet junior associates? Why was he waiting for us and why wasn't I briefed before hand. I took a deep breath.

"Mr Brown, my apologies. London Underground is the most unreliable form of transport. I hope you haven't been waiting long."

As I finished my sentence, I looked directly at him, and I almost choked. I had met Mr Brown 2 months ago at a friend's birthday. He had tried to pick me up so crudely that I had insulted him, Infact thinking back, I think I may have thrown in an insult about his mum and the way she brought him up. See me see trouble, now I was going to have to do serious damage control. But before I could say anything

"Ah yes, I can't say that I am that familiar with your underground system but I have heard stories. At least you are hear now. My mother brought me up to be a gentleman and I graciously accept your apology."

I looked at my boss, he looked amused but not particularly surprised. I gritted my teeth. Sexism was one thing and I was prepared to fight for my place but this was ridiculous. As I began to wonder how long it would take before my boss excused himself....

"Look, I am going to have to leave you to it. Tinu, Mr Brown is very interested in doing business with us. And with that he left. I sighed.

"Before you start thinking, you being here has no effect on my decision to do business with your firm."

"I wouldn't presume to be so important Mr Brown, but if I am not here to secure an account, then what am I here for."

"Would you believe me if I said that I didnt even know you worked there but when I realised that you did, I just had to meet you"

The anger started to rise in my stomach as I thought of myself sprinting down City Road only to find that the "meeting" was in fact a ruse. I kept quiet.

"I just wanted to say that I am sorry, sorry for the way that I spoke to you that evening, I was a little intoxicated but that is no excuse."

I hadn't expected an apology, What was I supposed to say now? "Erm, Its okay, really."

"So can I take you out sometime?"

"I am in a relationship, but thank you for the offer"

"Firstly, you make it sound like I just offered you a job, secondly I have it on good authority that you are single and have been for a while"

"Well, Mr Brown, I had it on good authority that I was coming to a meeting, it appears that we have both been mis-informed" and with that, I gathered my things and got up to leave. He grabbed my hand, but not forcefully...

"You are here now stay for one drink"

2 bottles of Merlot later, I had told him my life history. He was a good listener, I told him about my parents, Seun, this blog. And then he tried to kiss me, I turned away. I couldn't believe it. What an asshole!! One minute he is calmly listening to me reiterate the darkest moments of my life and the next he is trying to shove his tongue down my throat.

I calmly stood up,packed my thing and left.

2 weeks later, my boss tells me that I have been put on that account.

"Do I have a choice?" I ask.

He looks me dead in the eye and says "I am sorry, what?" What he really meant was your in the big leagues now, with the big boys. If you can't play nice, don't play at all.

So I am stuck with this slimy snake, at least for a while. If he ever tries to touch me again, I will make sure I hit him where it hurts, right between the balls!!

It felt good to be able to vent, I will definitely be doing this again!

Seeing as I never formally introduced myself, Hi, My name is Tinuke and its nice to meet you all.

Papa

2007-09-20T22:15:00.000Z

Yesterday's joy has become today's pain
Memories I celebrated I now mourn
You died but it was me that stopped living
Convinced that my existence was impossible without you
Laughing fills me with such guilt
How dare I laugh when my love cannot hear me
My love died but it was me that stopped living
Convinced that happiness and me had parted ways for always
I catch myself sometimes forgetting about you
For a second or a minute, Its just me.
Did I die with you?
Am I still living?

The time has come for me to make a choice,
Living like I am dead is killing me
I love you and I always will
But you died Papa; And not me.
2 years and counting, they say the pain gets easier. Bullshit.
They say it gets easier, but only when you let go
Let go of my baby... Never
They say you let go when you passed away
Now its my turn

I am letting go Papa.

Thank you for loving me

Always
Me

Dear Seun

2007-09-05T17:08:00.000Z

I have left this for as long as I possibly can. The letter that will ultimately be the hardest letter I will ever have to write. The date is burned in my heart. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was having lunch with Wale, the only one of my ex's that provoked (very irrational) feelings of jealousy in you. Wale was my first real boyfriend and the fact that he was the first man in my bed was very hard for you to swallow. That coupled with the fact that we never really broke up and I didn't have any "he's a bastard stories" to tell about him, made Wale one of your least favourite topics. But we were still friends, both in loving relationships and both very content.

It was your mother's 50th birthday and you had gone home for the celeberations. Wale called me and told me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. I wasn't surprised. It had been a long time coming. "I need some advice, Can you come ring shopping with me?" He asked. I was flattered and a bit surprised. I was not sure his girl would appreciate a ring picked out by her partner's ex. I said yes though, I was bored and didn't really have anything to do. We arranged to meet up the next day for lunch.

You called later in the evening and during the conversation I told you I was going to help Wale pick out a ring. You fell silent for a minute and when I asked what the matter was...

"Tinu don't you think it is inappropriate, are you trying to tell me that he had no one else that he could have asked."

"Seun what is the issue here, that he still wants me? because proposing to his girlfriend is a sure fire way to pave the way for a romantic reconciliation between the two of us."

"Don't be stupid Tinuke, you know what I mean. Why you, "

"Because we are friends Papa for God sake and this conversation is really a waste of time. I agreed to help him and I will. "

"So my feelings don't come into this ...... Why do I bother? Do what you want. I don't have the energy to argue. My stomach feels like someone is poking it with hot needles and my girlfriend is going on a date with her ex. Goodnight."

And with that, you dropped the phone. I sighed. I hated when we argued. Then the anger of being made to feel guilty when I had nothing to feel guilty for started to grow. I shrugged of the niggling feeling in the back of my head and settled down to watch televison.

Till the day I die, I will forever be grateful to Gbovo. An hour later, Gbovo came round. He wanted to collect the keys to your car and in searching for the keys I found a little post it that said I love you. It made me smile because I remembered the day that you wrote it. Had Gbovo not called round, I would not have called you back, my determination to make my point seemed irrelevant somehow.

"Papa, you said your tummy was hurting," I said as you picked up, "Is it better?"

"No", you groaned, "I think it is something I ate. It happened the last time I was home. It'll pass." You replied.

"Kpele," I said. "Papa, I love you and I don't know why me seeing Wale makes you mad but If it upsets you this much then I will tell him I can't make it."

I could feel your smile through the phone.

"Baby go, I was being silly but I am over it. Besides his girl is pretty hot too."

"Idiot"

"Whatever."

"Goodnight, Feel Better."

"Tinu"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"I know."

And so I came to be having lunch with my ex, he was in the middle of telling me about his extremely extravagant proposal ideas, and I was wondering whether it was a coincidence that the two most serious relationships I had had were with extremely romantic men. And then my world fell apart.

It started with a phone call. It was a Nigerian mobile number, I assumed it was you. It wasn't.

The person at the other end was crying. At that moment my heart stilled. I recognised the voice. It was your sister. Tears started to pour down my face even before she had said a word. I still don't know why I cried. I just did.

"Aramide, calm down. what is the matter. Is it Seun." But she kept crying. "Aramide please tell me what is wrong." and then the line went dead. I dialled straight back. In retrospect I wish I hadn't been in such a haste to ring back, to burst my happy little bubble.

"Hello?"

"Tinuke, Seun is dead. Seun is dead Seun is dead. Seun is dead"

I am not sure how many times she said it or if those words were echoing in my head but that's all I kept hearing. Until I heard a scream. It shook me out of my reverie, It was then I noticed Wale. Who screamed, was it me, Seun is dead Seun is dead.

Tinuke? Tinuke? I looked at Wale but the words were not coming from his lips. They were coming from my phone. Aramide. I had forgotten Aramide. Seun is dead Seun is dead

"Aramide?"

"Tinuke, his appendix burst, every one thought he had food poioning like last year. By the time we realised it was serious it was too late."

Too late for what?

To late to save you.

I don't remember much after that but I remember thinking that If I hadn't rang you back, the last words we said to each other would have been in anger. The last thing you said to me was that you love me.

I love you too Papa.

Now and Always
Me

The lie I told, The thing I did.

2007-08-11T15:33:00.000Z

So I was very focused on my career, I wanted to make a name for myself, be independent. Having a mother whose husband told her how to think, feel and act, further fed my motivation to be my own person. Why am I saying all this? I know it sounds like justification for something, well papa, it is. I promised myself that I would be very honest in these letters and as much as I would rather take this to my grave, I need to tell you the truth.

It was around the time when I had just gotten a new job, I was happy. My earning potential was double what it had been 12 months previous, I was living with the man I loved, I felt at peace. My parents were still not talking to me but I had accepted it. God granted me the wisdom to accept that which I couldn't change.

Anyway, I woke up one morning and felt a little nauseous, I thought nothing of it. In tesco's, I almost fainted and you looked really worried. "You have been a bit tired lately, maybe you should book an appointment with your GP", I brushed it off and put it down to the stress of having a new job and having to assimilate myself into a new team. But there was a niggling doubt at the back of my mind.

The next day, on the way back from work I bought a pregnancy test. When I got home, you were not there. I rushed to the bathroom to take the test. My mind was doing a marathon. I calmed my self down enough to ensure that some of the pee got on the stick and waited.... It seemed like an eternity. The stick told me what I already suspected.

I didn't want to have a baby, I was not ready to play Russian roulette with my child's health . I guess when it came down to it, I had talked the talk, I just wasn't ready to walk the walk. I knew that you would see it as being out of our hands. I felt like the world was conspiring against me.

I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat, wrapped the test and the packet in a plastic bag and took it to the bin in the front of the house. I still didn't know what I wanted to do but I needed time to think.

You came home a little while later and life was back to normal, you, me and no baby. We were watching television when you went to the bathroom, nothing unusual there. When you came pout, you had this puzzled look on your face, I looked in your hand and in it was the pamphlet that came with the pregnancy test. Shit! "Are we pregnant?" you asked as you cocked your head to one side.

So much for having time to think about it,

I looked you straight in the eye and said "no, false alarm"

Papa, I know that I owe you big time for this. I know that your mouth has dropped and you are now questioning how many other lies I told, how many other decisions I cut you out of, Papa, it was only this one. I know that it in no way makes up for what I did, and if I could do it over again, I would have told you the truth, I would have given you the chance to have a say. I am sorry.

Still Yours
Always
Me

Love Seun

2007-07-19T18:21:00.000Z

Okay, I know my letters are getting heavier and although there is nothing I can do to lighten things up, I do want you to remember the happy times as well as the sad. So I dug deep into my memory and found my one claim to being a romantic.

I remember it clearly, I was at Tosin's and the girls were making fun of me for lacking a romantic side, How much more romantic can you get? was my argument, I chose love over family. But I understood what they meant, In the romance department, you beat me hands down. You were always the one with the grand gestures, the sweet, albeit sometimes embarrassing displays of affection.

So it began.....

Stage One:

Find a restaurant that had at least one slow/non existent night in terms of takings. Book the whole restaurant. I was lucky; It so happened that Tokunbo's then girlfriend (and I use that term very loosely) had a brother who had just opened an Italian restaurant on city road and business was really slow... Good for me, not so much for him.

Stage Two:

Find a guitarist and singer that could play Eric Clapton's you look wonderful tonight. We both loved that song and in my mind, it was our song. I found a guy on oxford street and he played and sang beautifully, asked him if he knew that song and he smiled. Talent booked.

Stage Three:

Think of something that doesn't make it look like I plagiarised my romantic gesture from some cheesy Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts movie. I had the restaurant make a heart out of tea lights and then spell your name in the middle of it in tea lights. Love Seun

Stage Four:

Get you there without suspecting a thing. I enlisted your big mouthed friend Gbovo and begged him not to say anything. Surprisingly he went along with it. He got you there under the pretext of an old school friend's engagement do.

The Night:

You walked into the restaurant and your face registered confusion when you were met with an empty room and just me . The tea lights caught your attention and your face lit up as you started to get the picture. I walked to you, took your hand and led you to the table. Dinner was exquisite. The wine was perfect and the company... Well the company was second to none. After dinner, Luke, the musician, came out and played our song.

After the music, we sat there and we talked until the manager politely told us that his staff would like to go home now.

The next day, when I was recounting word for word the events of the previous night to my friends, I revelled in the knowledge that they could never call me unromantic again. All that was missing from my romantic, somewhat cheesy night was the horse and carriage and I did try and book one :-)

I realised though that being romantic comes naturally to some people and others (me) have to work at it. I think I gave it a good shot. Don't You?

Always

Me

Cold Feet

2007-07-17T21:26:00.000Z

Our families still were not talking, it was ironic that they were arguing because they were in agreement. Things were getting harder for us, sometimes we argued about it. Okay, I argued, you listened. I think I was just a little frustrated. All little girls dream of getting married; the white dress, the smiles and joy, their father giving them away.... Funny, my dad wouldn't even talk to me, let alone give me away. Thoughts like these plagued me from time to time and it made me shut down. You understood though, you were patient, even though I know I was making it harder for you. I want to say sorry. I am sure sometimes it felt like I had signed up for a war and surrendered when the going got too tough.

Another thing that plagued my mind was the fact that there was a 1 in 4 chance that we would have a child with sickle cell. Was I setting myself up for a life of heart ache,was I condemning you to life that may bring you more misery than joy? I wished I could have talked to you about these things that plagued my mind but I didn't want you to think I was giving up on us, I didn't want you to think I had lost faith, I felt so alone.

These thoughts were not always there, they started when I changed churches, The first service I went to was a thanksgiving service, There was a lady that I was drawn to, in the course of her testimony I found out that this lady had been in the U.K. for less than 2 years and that although she was 38, she had just had her first child. I was drawn to this woman for a number of reasons.

She looked like she was holding her grandchild. not her first child

She was smiling but her eyes told a story of sadness and despair.

On this joyous occasion and with her first baby in her arms, Her partner was noticeably absent.

So intrigued and drawn to this woman was I, that I laid in wait for her after the service. I did not know what I was going to say to her, only that I needed to hear the beginning of her story, if only to assure myself that it wasn't like ours. I needed to find out where her partner was, why was she celebrating such a blessing on her own. And so I waited, it was another 30 minutes before she resurfaced.

"Excuse me, sorry to disturb you, Can I have a word with you! , I started, still unsure of what I was going to say

"Of course you can" she said,

I looked at the baby in her arms, she was the prettiest little thing, dressed in white.

"aww", I cooed stroking her face, "Isn't she just the cutest"

Her mum laughed, again I was struck by the way the smile stopped short of her eyes, not like she was false or humouring me but like those eyes were incapable of smiling ever again.

"I am sorry to pull you away from your celebrations," I began, "but I need to hear your story,"

"whats your name?" she asked, "Tinuke", I replied.

"Tinuke, Where you not in the service? " I nodded

"Then you have heard my story"

"Not the full story, I need to know why you hold this precious gift in your arms and yet you still seem sad" I said, very aware that I might be crossing the line.

"I think that what is the issue here is not so much my story, but how it affects you, am I right?" I nodded.

And she started to tell her story, Seun I won't betray this woman's trust because although I want you to understand why I withdrew from you, It is not my story to tell. At the end, there were tears streaming down both our faces. I shared my own story with her and as I was about to leave, she said something that would shatter the little bubble I had placed us in. "Love, my dear is a good foundation but as important as a foundation is, there are other things that you should place equal emphasis one.

All the thing that I had heard, the horror that she had experienced, the sadness that she had been forced to grow accustomed to, I knew that I didn't want us to go that way, where we one day hate each other, my children are going in and out of the hospital so much so that I decide to keep an overnight bag on stand by just for efficiency sake, where the love that we were so sure would see us through is now such a distant memory that neither of us can remember why we got together in the first place.

I started having sleepless nights, and for the first time in our relationship, I felt like i couldn't talk to you. So I started shuting down, arguing about the most insignificant thing because I couldn't tell you what was one my mind.

And then I came home from work that day, there was a yellow post it on the door

"Tinuke, why so sad" It said, there was a smiley face on it with the smile upside down.

I walked in, there was another one on the wall at the beginning of the hallway. "I know there is something wrong"

and the next one a little further down read "and you don't think I can fix it"

and the next one "because I know you know that I would give it my best shot"

and the next one "and if I can't fix it, then maybe I can do the next best thing"

and the next one "the thing that comes most naturally to me"

and the next one "be there for you when you need me most"

and the next one "because",

By this time, I was outside our bedroom door and on the bed was my angel, with about 40 yellow sticky post its which all said "I love you". Oh did I forget to mention that the post its were all you had on.

Oh, I don't think that I have ever laughe d as hard as I did that night. I laughed and cried and cried and laughed. You didn't ask me what was wrong, you just held me. As I was about to fall asleep, I realised that I had something that lady didnt have, I had you.

Always
Me

Finishing What I Started

2007-07-14T19:54:00.000Z

Papa, I haven't abandoned you, even though I know it must seem like I have. My letters are fewer and farther between, but as our story unfolds, it is getting harder to rake over these memories. I started something and I have to see it through. Bear with me.

Love Always
Me

Iya Ololufe Mi

2007-06-25T09:16:00.000Z

So we were living together, I was amazed at how easily we slipped into those roles. By the end of the first week, it felt like we had been living together forever. My friends started to complain that they never saw me, I was always rushing home. I didn't mean to alienate my friends but after a long day, it was your face that I wanted to see.

If my relationship with my parents was strained before, it was non-existent once they found out that I had moved in with you. I had to change my number because I couldn't take all the phone calls from "well wishers" advising me to resist the devil, not to shun my parents and to leave that Muslim alone.

Do you remember the day your mum came round? It was a Saturday and you had gone to play footie. I wasn't expecting anyone so I was surprised when the bell went. I was more surprised to see your mum at the door. We hadn't spoken since our relationship became public knowledge and even though you tried to down play it, I knew that she was on your back because of me.

"Good afternoon aunty, please come in", I said as I stepped to one side to allow her in.

She walked in without acknowledging my greeting, I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for a fight.

"Where is my son?" she asked. I fought the urge to kiss my teeth. No how are you doing. Straight to business. "He is playing football today aunty, He should be back in an hour or so. You are welcome to wait." She kissed her teeth. "I do not need your permission to wait in my son's house" I didn't rise to the bait. She sat down. I went to the kitchen and said a silent prayer for the patience I needed to tolerate your mum.

"Aunty, would you like a drink, juice, soda"... "Tinuke, I didn't come here for all this niceties. I do not know what you are playing at. Because of you I have endured insult upon insult. Is it by force to marry my son? Go home to your parents abeg. Let Seun get on with his life."

I kept quiet. I didn't want to be rude to the woman that gave birth to the man that I loved. She kissed her teeth again. I walked back to the kitchen and stayed there until I heard the door.

"Seun, so you have decided not to pick my calls abi, because of this useless girl. What kind of girl lives with a man out of wedlock. Do you know what they are saying about her outside? So you want to marry her. Let me tell you something Seun, Over my dead body. If it is juju that she used to trap you, it will not work."

At this point I heard you mumble something, I couldn't hear the words but I knew that tone. You were angry.

"Don't shh me jo, So what if she hears. Her mother called me and rained abuses on my head. I told her that if she knew what was good for her she would never call me again. nonsense. I had a dream that you were in a calabash and you were crying out. I am sure this girl is up to no good. A word is good enough for the wise. I have said my own"

And with that she left.

You came to find me the minute she left and started to apologise. "Papa, there is no need really, we are both in this together, I never thought it would be easy."

I had to laugh. "A calabash? Seriously, your mum is a tad strange", I said , picking my word carefully. Truthfully, strange was putting it mildly, I wanted to say demented, crazy, senile. But I had to remember that she was your mum.

Later that night Aramide came round, she had heard what happened. "Tinuke, I just wanted to let you know where I stand on this whole thing. My brother is lucky to have you and I am proud that you want to be a part of my crazy family, and as for my mum, I have told her to let him be." Having Aramide come out in the open to support us felt like winning the lottery. I knew she was fond of me but I thought that the rift between your family and us would force her to choose sides.

I remember one summer when I came to your house with Toks a few years before we got together, Your mum hugged and me and called me an angel. "The man that marries you better deserve you" where her exact words, Its funny how things change. How I went from being an angel to being the one that jazzed her son.

Always
Me

Thank You

2007-06-19T13:37:00.000Z

I was reading a story today about someone who had gone through hell and highwater, not with her boyfriend, but because of him. The story she told papa, the things he did to her. He broke her spirit, he broke her heart and he destroyed her soul. Reading about the broken promises, the lies and the deceit, I was overcome with anger. I was angry that this guy had hurt her so badly.

When my anger had subsided, I was overcome with immense gratitude. Why? I was grateful for you Papa.

I am grateful that in your eyes we were always equals, I did the dishes, you cooked and vice versa

I am grateful that although you cooked, you didn't do it too often because there was only so much of your "legendary stew" I could take.

I am grateful that you didn't act one way with company and another when we were alone.

I am grateful that you didn't love me in spite my flaws but because of them.

I am grateful that you respected my opinion and always sought my counsel.

I am grateful that you didn't desire me any less as sexy negligee gave way to old sweats.

I am grateful that you were always willing to talk, not just to shut me up,but to get to the roots of our disagreements and misunderstandings.

I am grateful that you didn't hold me to ransom for the rift between your parents and you but bore the cross for the rift between my parents and I.

I am grateful that I never had to doubt your love for me or justify your behaviour in order for me to stay.

I am grateful for your spontaneity and the romantic in you.

I am grateful because you were never scared to be seen as "whipped" and always put me first, but papa, you were sooo whipped :-)

I am grateful for your intuition, and knowing when I needed a hug and when to just leave me alone.

I am grateful for the balance you created between Mr Macho and Mr sensitive.

I am grateful for all the things that you have taught me, the lessons we learnt together and the wisdom these experiences have afforded me.

I am grateful for you taking the blame when I farted at Tunji's, Although I am unsure how much wass chivalry and how much was not wanting people to know that your baby farts too:-)

Most of all, I am grateful because you loved me, unreservedly and unashamedly.

Always
Me

Moving On, Moving In.

2007-06-14T09:13:00.000Z

Leaving home was not as hard as I thought it would be. Granted, it would have been much harder if I didn't have you and Labake in my corner. Labake, bless her heart was so supportive. She gave up her study so that I could move in, she decided to be my voltron when all those over-sabi church members kept calling me to give their two penny advice. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, But it was hard.

I was angry that my dad had found it so easy to throw me away, like I was a used tissue, that my mum never stood up to him and went along with whatever he decided, surely she didn't agree with his decision? I was angry that Tokunbo didn't want to get involved, Tokunbo always sat on the fence. I was angry but I knew that even if they said I should come home, I wouldn't. Unless they accepted you and the likelihood of that happening was a million to one.

A couple of months after I moved into Labake's, you announced that you were getting your own place, I was glad. It was about time too. You came to pick me up from the station one day after work and drove me to this nice street in Golders Green. Inside, the first thing that hit me was not how spacious the living room was, or how warm and homey it already felt. What hit me was how familiar the place was. Upon closer inspection, I realised that it felt familiar because a lot of my things were there. My pictures were on the unit, My cushions were on the sofa. I walked to the bedroom and pushed the door open; on the bed was the teddy you had given me last Christmas, my clothes in the wardrobe, my towels on the rack.

I understood what you were trying to do but in that moment, I felt anger rise inside me like bile and straight out of my mouth. "Seun, how dare you invade my privacy like this, moving my things, assuming that I was ready to live with you. Did you ask me? I don't know the magic you used to get my things here but please use the same magic and return them" With that I stalked off.

I walked out of the house and almost sprinted the five minutes to the station. On the way I started to think; Labake obviously has a hand in this. I got out of the tube and went back to hers. I used my key, Labake looked surprised to see me. "Labake", I started, without even waiting for her to reply, "if you want me to leave your house, all you have to do is ask, you didn't need to go as far as to move my things for me"

Labake looked at me for what felt like forever before speaking."This babe, before you sabotage yourself, let me give you some advice. Don't push those closest to you away because you are afraid. That poor boy went through hell and high water lugging your heavy things over to that house, making what he thought was a sweet, heart felt gesture. If you are not ready, then say you are not ready. Have I ever done anything to make you feel unwelcome? You owe Seun an apology, and me for that matter"

I was scared. You were the man I wanted to spend my life with, I had given so much up for you but moving in seemed so final. I had panicked and although I realised you were trying to be sweet, I felt that you had excluded me from what was a big decision. I wasn't ready for such a move, not yet anyway.

I called you. "Papa", I said once you had picked up. "Baby, are you okay", you asked. In that moment, I remembered why I loved you, why I was willing to fight to be with you, I knew my outburst had hurt you and I wished I could take it back.

"I am fine", I replied. "Papa, I am so sorry for the way I behaved, I know you were trying to be sweet and I know it must have taken you all day to move my things "

"There's no need to apologise, I made the wrong call, you are not there yet, I understand."

I started to think; What was I doing? I love you, there will never be a right time. "Papa, I am ready. I'm coming back."

"I'll pick you up"

I picked up my bag and tried to ignore Labake's smug I told you so smile.

God really did bless me with good friends, who always tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not. And you, God blessed me with you.

Always
Me

What Fan? All I See is Shit.

2007-06-07T14:43:00.000Z

I have been wondering what you must think when you read my letters. Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you wonder why I am still holding on to the past? I will never know the answers to these questions. But when I am writing these letters, I feel close to you. So I will continue to write you until I have nothing left to say.

Our trip down memory lane stopped when we came out of the closet. Let me continue....

The next few weeks were really horrible, I was treated like I came home and told my parents that I was pregnant. They stopped talking when I walked into a room, They no longer asked how I was and barely even spoke to me; except to make sure that I wasn't going to see "that boy" every time I ventured out of the house.

Of course I was going to see that boy. Before nko? But it did make it harder for us to spend time together. A few stolen hours here and there but never enough. When my dad announced that he was going for a convention in New York and that he would be gone for a few weeks, I was over the moon. It meant that I could have breathing space. Momsi wasn't so bad. It was my dad that was bent on punishing me.

On the day when he was supposed to be travelling, I woke up with a smile on my face. Freedom! I was so helpful; I ironed his shirt, I helped him look for his ever elusive glasses, I even volunteered to go to Boots to by some last minute gifts for some people. On my way back from Boots, I called you to let you know that popsi would soon be en route to Yankee. My mum was going to night vigil and Toks Jnr was in Warwick. We arranged to go to the movies, something we hadn't been able to do in ages.

Popsi's cab came and then he was off. I tidied up the house , then I jumped in the shower and got ready, you were going to come and pick me up. I had barely gotten out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. "Papa, I am not even dressed" I said as I answered the phone, "do you want to come in?" "At all , I am alright where I am oh" you answered as if I was stupid for suggesting such a thing. "There is no one at home, popsi is on his way to NY, momsi is at a night vigil and Tj is in Warwick.". As I was talking I walked downstairs and opened the door. I couldn't see your car, obviously you had parked down the road. I laughed. All this cloak and dagger rubbish.

I left the door open and went back into my room. I heard the door bang and footsteps lead up to my room. You opened the door and came in. I continued changing and then I felt your hands around my waist. "mhmm you smell so good", you said as you turned me around. I lifted my head to kiss you and then I heard the front door slam shut. We both froze. Oh my God, I was hyperventilating. I pulled a jumper and a pair of jeans on as fast as I could.

We were in serious shit. We kept quiet hoping whoever it was would just leave. No such luck. "Tinuke Tinuke, where did that girl go" Double shit, popsi... What happened to his flight, why was he home? I looked at you, you looked as scared as me. I bit the bullet, "yes daddy," I said as I exited my room, closing the door quietly.

"Did you not hear me call you?" he asked without even looking at me. " I was in the shower" I answered. "Do you know that my flight is tomorrow, I was already at the airport when I realised, what a waste of money, anyway, where is that money that I gave you earlier, I need to pay the cab, I only have dollars." Triple shit.

I will go and get it and pay him, how much is it" I said as I backed out of the room. "Never mind that, just give me the money" My dad replied as he followed me out of the sitting room and down the corridor to my room. "Seun pls, be hiding, be hiding " I kept repeating this prayer as my dad and I approached my room. I held my breath and opened the door. No Seun. Phew!

I walked into the room with my dad in tow, I found my wallet and as I turned around to face my dad, I saw you hiding behind the door. There was no way my dad wouldn't see you when he turned around. As popsi was counting the money with his back turned to you, you tried to sneak out. We would have gotten away with it if he hadn't turned around very abruptly.

The look on his face was frightening. without even turning to look back at me he walked out of the room, as he got to the door, he turned round and adressed you directly. "Since you have decided to spoil my daughter for me, please take her, I will not have a rotten child under my roof. I do not want to see her here when I return" And with that he stormed off.

We both stood there in silence for a minute. Then with a sigh I pulled a suitcase out from under my bed and began to pack. "what are you doing" you asked me. "what does it look like, I am packing a few of my things, you know my dad does not joke. If I am here when he gets back I am dead, so I'd rather be homeless and alive, wouldn't you agree?" You sighed and started to help me to pack. I called Labake and told her that she had a new lodger.

This was the last time I set foot in that house for three years. When people ask me why I didn't beg, why I left so easily, my answer was always the same. " They wanted me to give up something that was a part of me, I didn't chose my family, they chose me. But him, Him I chose"

Always
Me

The Shit Hits The Fan Part 2

2007-05-28T21:43:00.000Z

Papa, I am sorry I haven't written in a little while, but with practicing for the London to Paris bike ride, work and church, I was struggling to find time. Where did I stop? Oh I remember, I let you lead me back into the house. When my dad saw you, his eyes lit up. He was fond of you. I know it didn't really seem like he did, but he was always telling Toks that he needed to be more like you.

"Seun my boy, How are you? I have been meaning to call your dad. How is he"........My dad's voice trailed off as soon as he noticed that we were holding hands. The penny slowly dropped and he stared at us (for what seemed like ages) in disbelief. I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat. Silence. My mum came out of the kitchen and embraced you warmly. My dad had still not said a word.

Momsi noticed the tension and looked at my dad. "Toks, kilode? Is anything the matter?" she asked. I gulped. My dad clapped his hands together in disbelief. "This is who your daughter has brought to us. Or am I wrong? "He asked, directing his gaze at me. I wanted the ground to swallow me. "Yes dad" I answered. I looked at you, you were looking at the ground. I was so angry with you in that moment. I knew this was a bad idea. but you always felt that the two year jump start you had on me allowed you a certain wisdom. Sorry Papa, but that is bullshit. You should have listened to me. But you know what they say about spilt milk....

It was my mum that reacted first. she reached over and pulled my hand out of yours with such force that it hurt for days after. "My friend will you get serious. so this is who you want to marry abi? Did I do something to you that you would want to shame this family. eh? If I have wronged you Atinuke, let me know. A muslim. abi ori awon omode o da? I didn't kill my mother, you will not kill me." My dad was still silent. Its like he was waiting for you to say something. And then you did.

Aunty Bunmi, I know this situation is far from ideal, but I love your daughter and she loves me. We have weighed the pros and cons and we are prepared to fight the odds. We...

"Come on will you shut up" my dad roared, cutting you off mid sentence. You will marry my daughter over my dead body, now get out of my house" You hesitated, I could see that you didn't want to leave me to face the wrath. "Get out of my house" Popsi shouted again. I had never seen him so angry. You looked at me. I nodded that it was okay. There was nothing you could do. You would only make things worse. So you left. As I heard the door slam shut, I knew there would be hell to pay.

My dad turned to look at me. The venom in his eyes was frightening. I thought he was going to slap me, so I braced myself. "Tinuke, you are an adult so I will give you a choice. Either you stop seeing this boy or you stop living under my roof. The choice is yours" and with that he left the lounge. My mum was sitting on the sofa with her hand on her head. "Mummy, I began. "Tinuke, your father has said all that there is to say. I am very disappointed in you, but I am going to let your dad handle this matter" I burst into tears, she kissed her teeth and left the room.

I sat on the floor. What was I supposed to do. Leaving you was out of the question. Leaving home was another matter entirely. How could they make me choose. My head was a mess. I didn't know what to think. I heard the front door open, then Toks jnr came into the lounge. He looked at me but didn't say anything, he sat on the sofa. I was still crying. "Tinuke, he began, stop crying, it is not going to solve anything. You need to think logically. I just spoke to dad and he is angry. He will be calmer in the morning. For now, lay low and let things blow over. Why you decided to red flag the bull is beyond me, a softer more subtle approach would have been better." "Like what?" I asked. "Tinu, I don't know, but whats done is done. Bottom line is daddy can't chuck you out. He is just trying to scare you. You are the apple of his eye. He isn't going to just throw you away like that. Right

Wrong.

Always
Me

The Shit Hits the Fan (Part 1)

2007-05-16T11:54:00.000Z

My dad called me princess today. its been so long since he called me princess, not since I"dishonoured" his family. It took me back to the good old days, when he still thought his little girl could do no wrong.

I remember how it all unfolded. It was just after I got my first job, popsi was so proud of his daughter, he told anyone who would listen that his daughter had done good. It was at this time, when I was in his good books that he called me into the lounge.

"princess, princess", I was on the phone to Tosin, who as usual was in a cantankerous mood. To be honest, I was glad for an excuse to get off the phone. I told her I had to go and went to see what my dad wanted. He looked worried. "Tinuke, come and sit with your daddy" he said. So I sat.

"You know your mum and I are proud of you. You are an intelligent woman who knows what she wants out of life, but my dear, you don't know everything." My heart stilled, had he found out about you? Had uncle Femi betrayed my confidence? My mind was racing.

He continued, "I see you on the phone all the time talking to someone, I know it is a man. What kind of home training does he have if he starts to see someone's daughter without their permission? Tinu, more importantly, what kind of home training do you have that you did not seek our approval before dating this man?"

See me see wahala, popsi is stuck in neverland, which boy would come and ask him for permission to take me out? The thought alone would garauntee me a lifetime membership to single hood. I didn't say anything.

"Call him", popsi continued. "Invite him to dinner, tell him your father would like to meet him" Ah, I almost choked on my tongue. See who? Popsi would have died if he knew who the "man" was, what the hell was I supposed to do now?

I did what anyone would have done, I bluffed. "Daddy, I am not seeing anyone, just because I am on the phone does not mean I am talking to a boy. You know I like to gossip with my friends if I had a boyfriend, I would invite him over." I held my breath, did he believe me?

What happened next shocked me, my dad reached over and slapped me across the face. "Liar", he shouted. "Am I raising a prostitute and a liar? You know what the bible says about these things. So if you don'thave a boyfriend, who were you saying i love you too to? Eh, you can't talk abi? Tomorrow evening you had better bring this boy with no home traing home" and with that, I was dismissed.

I was stunned. What the hell was I going to do. I knew that if you turned up, there would be hell to pay. And that my dad would make sure that taht was the end of you and me. He knew I had a boyfriend, he was expecting someone tomorrow. I was freaking out.

I did the only thing I could do, I called you. You were quiet as I told you what had happened. When I finshed, you told me that you would fix it. You called me back later to tell me that you had a plan. "Go and apologise to your father for lying and tell him that your boyfriend will be coming to dinner." I asked if you had found someone to play a role and you said yes. You promised to email me the boys story so I would know what to say when asked. I felt a little relieved.

The next day, I still hadn't received the email from you, so I called you from work. No answer. I kept trying all through the day. No answer. I was going crazy with worry. I contemplated calling popsi and telling him that I had to work late, but I knew that it wouldn't go down well. So I bit the bullet and went home, consoling myself with how much I was going to make you pay for all this worry.

I looked at the time as my dad strumed his fingers impatiently on the sofa, "where is he? no manners" he muttered disapprovingly. I sighed. This was definitely going to be a long night. Only I didn't know how long. The door bell rang and I flew to answer it. It was you. "Seun thank God, I have been going out of my mind, why didn't you answer your phone, where is the boy?" I asked looking over your shoulder. There was no one behind you. I felt my stomach drop as I realised why you hadn't been picking up your phone.

"Tinuke, you know we have to do this. If you brought someone home and they eventually find out about us, how do you think it is going to look? We would just be making things worse for ourselves. It's time babe." You knew I would object. I wasn't ready to face my parents. I knew they would be livid.

I let you take my hand and lead me back into the house. Time to face our destiny.

Always
Me

The Preacher's Daughter is not a Stripper

2007-05-09T07:41:00.000Z

Happy birthday Papa. This is the first birthday that I have not been a part of in some capacity in almost 10 years. Our anniversary was hard for me and I am bracing myself for a hard day, but it will pass. I keep trying to imagine what we would be doing if you were still with me. i remember the last birthday I spent with you. Do you remember, I bet you are laughing wherever you are.

It was the big 25 and your parents were in Naij. I wanted us to have a party but you didn't want a fuss. I kept saying that 25 was a landmark and should be celebrated. You just wanted to chill, maybe hang out with a few friends etc. I was adamant, so we compromised.

We had a little come chop for you; a few of your friends and a few of mine. I remember waking up really early to slave over the cooker. After a couple of hours in the kitchen, I had begun to wonder what had possessed me to talk you into having a party. Anyway, Labake and Aramide were there too and they conveniently woke up after all the real work had been done. They helped me clean up and you went to the store to buy some drinks

The party went off without a hitch, as usual, it ended up being more than "a few friends". I didn't know half the people there but you were having fun and that really was all that mattered to me. By 3a.m, I was shattered and the party was winding down. I guilted Labake and Aramide into seeing the few guests that were left off, I wanted to go to bed and I wanted to give you your "birthday present"

I had bought a PVC nurses outfit from a seedy little shop on Berwick Street and I wanted to dance for you. I put on some music, went into the bathroom and changed into the little outfit. I came out, did a few "stripper moves" and started to dance slowly and what I thought was sexily. I heard you stifle a giggle and I stopped. This was not how I saw this playing out in my head. It was meant to make you horny not laugh. I pulled up the zipper of the dress and stormed into the bathroom. "Baby come on," you said, clearly still laughing. I came out in a towel, having removed the offending outfit. I was sulking. "you are so sweet and definitely sexy", you said as you took my hand, "but you have to admit that shit was funny". I punched you in your stomach. We fell on the bed laughing, it was funny, what had I been thinking?

That night, you made love to me and I fell asleep in your arms. You had this way of hooking my neck in the crook of your arm, with your leg over mine. It wasn't the most comfortable way to sleep, I have to admit. But I have never felt safer than when we where in that position; my head on your chest, listening to rhythm of your heart beat and your even breath. You didn't snore, thank God for that.

The best part of falling asleep with you was waking up with you. Seeing your face always put a smile on my face. My gorgeous 6ft of dark chocolate, complete with ripples in all the right places; with a smile that always reached your eyes. Papa, Master of my heart. Happy Birthday.

Always
Me

Our First Kiss

2007-05-02T12:06:00.000Z

My mind took me back to my childhood and the day I met you. I was 12 and my mum made Toks and I accompany her to an old friend's house. We didn't want to come and we made a fuss, but you know my mum, she was having none of it.

When we got to your house, your mum introduced us to you and your younger sister, Aramide. We played sega mega drive with you while our mums finished catching up. You and Toks hit it off, you were the same age and liked the same things. The same couldn't be said for Aramide and I, I was a girly girl and she was (and still is ) a bit of a tom boy. You and Tokunbo became really good friends and you started coming round often.

Fast forward 2 years, I was 14, you were 16. Toks and you were planning to go to some party. There was hype about the party amongst my friends and I wanted to come too but Tokunbo refused. So I went above his head. My mum didn't see why I couldn't come too. Truth be told, I think Momsi still thought that parties consisted of "aunty give me cake" dresses and dancing chairs. We all piled into the car. You guys were annoyed but I didn't care. I was excited to be going to my first real party.

As soon as we got there you guys jabod me. My friends were there so it didn't really matter. Some guy asked me to dance and we danced for a while. You were either jealous or just over protective because you came over and broke us up. "easy, she is only a baby" you said as you pulled me away from him. The guy smiled and said that I didn't look like a baby. You told him I was your younger sister and led me away by my hand. I was annoyed. "What now?" I asked. "Do you want Tokunbo to beat the living daylights out of you ? You better behave yourself." you replied. I kissed my teeth. "Lets go and see if Sunday is here" you said, ignoring my obvious annoyance at being interrupted. Sunday was our weekend driver. He hadn't arrived.

"Do you have a girl friend?" I asked "Why?" you asked in return. "Well, Tokunbo has one, I was just wondering" I answered. "No, not yet" you replied. Silence....

"So, do you really think I am a baby?", I continued. "I just said that to save you from Toks, you are more mature than most of the girls in my class" you answered back. I suddenly felt self conscious. I think that was the first time I was aware of you as a guy, not just Tokunbo's friend.

"Erm, should we go and check for Sunday agian?" I asked. You nodded in reply. We stood up at the same, suddenly you leant in and kissed me on my mouth. Not an open mouth kiss, but a kiss non the less.

All the way home I was silent, even Tokunbo noticed. "what is wrong with you?" he asked. "Nothing" I replied, looking at you out of the corner of my eye. You avoided my gaze.

4 years passed before we talked about that kiss. You told me that you knew you liked me but I was Tokunbo's little sister. As time went on, you decided you more than liked me.I often wonder why it took us so long to get it together. I guess it was a good thing because we both got to experience what was out there.

Sometimes I look back and it feels like wasted time, time we could have spent together. But man proposes and God disposes.

Always
Me

Tainted Beauty

2007-04-24T07:45:00.000Z

Today was one of those bad days. I cried because I remembered. It all started when I decided to write a poem for some one's blog, it was a topic close to both our hearts. Anyway, I wrote about us. I wrote about you. I wrote about the difficulty you had in accepting that men had passed through my bed before you.

We were in the 2nd year of our relationship and we were having one of those rare "home alone" days. Out of the blue you asked me "how many guys have you slept with?". "Why?" I asked, raising my head from your chest. "We have been together for almost two years, now you ask me, what difference does it make?"

I didn't know then, but your idiot friend Gbovo had told you that his brother and I had had a Little something going on. What is his own. The idiot just wanted to poor sand in my garri abi? Because I didn't give him time of day. Hiss hiss.

"I just want to know what I 'm getting," you said. So I told you, from my first experience till you, I didn't leave anything out. You didn't say anything, you just listened. Seun, by the time I had finished, I swear you had this look of disgust on your face. I know you tried to act unperturbed but it wasn't working. I could see it in your eyes that my beauty was tainted.

I was distraught, I called Labake and told her what happened. She chastised me. "Guys think that they want to know but they don't, you shouldn't have told him". The phrase bolting the barn after the horse had bolted sprang to mind.

Over the next few weeks, your attitude towards me changed. You were distant, cold, rude even. I took it all. I wanted to give you time. This double standard jarred me but such was the way of the world. I didn't want to know all the girls in your past. I accepted that our life together started from the moment we decided to be together. Why couldn't it have been the same way for you? You were lucky that this happened before the car incident, you wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. But never mind that

The final straw came when I called you and asked if you could pick me up from your house, I had gone to drop something up for your sister. You actually hissed and then told me you were chilling at Gbovo's house and that I always assumed that you could drop everything when I snapped my fingers. What the fuck? I took a cab to Gbovo's. I didn't know what I was going to say to you but I couldn't take it anymore. I rang you when i got there and you came down, I told the cab to wait

I didn't even say hello "Seun, I don't know what is going on in that head of yours. Where you not the one that wanted to know. eh? So what is it you want me to do now? Apologise for living my life? Well those things you feel I should be ashamed of are the things about which I am most proud. These are the things that made me who I am. Those experiences are what made me into this woman you claim to love so much. Fix up or fuck off because I am tired of this shit.

My cab was still waiting, I turned to enter the cab and I heard you laughing. I turned around and you were almost in hysterics. I paused too see if there was method to this madness. "Tinuke, you are priceless. I needed that. I guess I was wallowing in self pity for my bruised ego." Don't go", you said as you held my arm "I am not saying sorry because it was the only way that I could really have reacted but I'm over it now. You paid for the cab and we went inside.

You were over it. But once in a while, I saw that same look in your eyes. It always followed a late night call from a male friend or me bumping into a male friend when I was out with you. But you did try and rise above it. You guys and your egos.

Always
Me

Caught Red Handed

2007-04-21T22:36:00.000Z

Wow, today has been a hectic day, Labake found out that Yemi was cheating on her. Oh! You don't know, Labake and Yemi finally got together. I know what you are thinking, "about fucking time", abi? After their "we are just friends rubbish". Anyway, they have been together for about 8 months and Labake called me crying that Yemi had been cheating on her for the whole time they were together.

I always thought that Yemi was an idiot but I didn't realise that he was stupid as well. Apparently, Labake went to his house and let her self in with the key he had given her only to find some girl cooking in the kitchen wearing one of Yemi's shirts. Yemi was not home and the poor girl seemed as surprised to see Labake as Labake was to see her. Needless to say, Yemi got a shock when he got home. I hope they sort it out sha but Labake is livid.

I haven't spoken about this incident since it happened but I can never forget it. Don't get me wrong, I forgave you but it was hard to forget. Funny, it seems so irrelevant now. I would forgive you anything just to have you back. But I am getting ahead of myself and I can feel the tears building again. If you were you would probably be frowning at my tears.

It was a house party, I can't remember whose party it was, we went separately, you with your friends, me, with mine. I had arranged to hook up with you there and we were going to spend the night together. Another night at some random hotel. We could have gone to one of our friends' houses but you always hated that idea.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, you were partying with your friends and me with mine. After a couple of hours I'd had it and I wanted to leave. I couldn't find you, I searched all over. I decided to go and find your car. It took a while as it was parked two streets away. You were in the car but you were not alone. The passenger's seat was pulled back and reclined and there was a girl Kneeling in the front, giving you a blow job. I saw red.

I yanked the door open and literally dragged the girl of your car by her hair, the poor girl looked so frightened. You came out of the car and I slapped you as hard as I could twice and then walked off. I was steaming. The nerve. You didn't even play far away. Right under my nose. It wasn't until I was almost back at the party that I realised that I was holding a big chunk of the girl's hair in my left hand. And it was her hair because she didn't have a weave.

I mellowed. Shit! I hope I hadn't hurt her. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at you. I didn't even know this girl. I urned around and walked back towards the car. I didn't have to go far, I saw the girl as soon as I turned the corner, she was brushing her hair and her mascara was smudged. She saw me coming and backed away, I guess she thought I was going to hit her. I paused. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pull out your hair" I said. "I'm sorry too", she said. "I didn't realise that Seun had a girlfriend, he never said"

In the conversation that followed, I found out that the love of my life had slept with this girl at least 4 times. Lucky for you, you were not there, I would have kicked you in the balls and put us all out of our misery. Anyway after we talked, I said goodbye and she apologised again. Strange, I actually liked this chick. She was really sincere and sweet. I could see why you liked her.

I bumped into her about 10 months ago. She had heard, It seemed like every one knew. She didn't say anything, she just hugged me. I tried to fight back the tears to no avail. I cried on the shoulder of my man's other woman. Go figure eh?

You had to beg for three months before I forgave you. I'll let you in on a little secret, I knew I was going to forgive you even as I watched another woman go down on you but I wanted you to suffer, You certainly deserved it. Boy, did you pull out all the stops to get me back. I don't know how many girls ,if any,you cheated on me with after that, but I never so much as smelt another woman's perfume after that.

I hope Labake and Yemi get back together, He is an idiot but he loves her. It is so obvious....
Just as you loved me.

Always
Me

Our First Hurdle

2007-04-20T13:35:00.000Z

The tension in the car on the way back from Uncle Femi's was incredible. The silence was killing me so I reached out to switch the radio on. "Leave it", you snapped, "I need to think. We pulled up to mine and you still hadn't said anything. I opened the door and turned around to look at you but you stared straight ahead. "Erm, Goodnight then" I said as I got out. Silence. I shut the door, you sped off so fast that I could see the smoke from your tires.

I was confused, I had never had reason to doubt your feelings for me till now. This was an entirely new experience. Did we just break up, what happened to all the love we claimed to have for each other. Is that all it took to test the strength of your love for me? You didn't call me to say goodnight. You always call. That night, I tossed and turned until I finally fell into a restless sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to find that you had text me at 4am. "Good", I thought, "at least the prick couldn't sleep either."

"We are raising our kids as Muslims, right?" was what your text read.

What the fuck? When Uncle Femi said talk things through, I am pretty sure this was not what he meant.

I sent you back a text "wrong, they are going to make their own minds up"

You replied "That is ridiculous, children need guidance, you cannot seriously expect them to choose their own faith"

I replied "Well, at least my suggestion requires a compromise on both our parts"

Almost immediately you replied "obviously we need to talk, I'll pick you up in an hour."

And so I waited, an hour passed and the two. I called you twice, no answer. I gave up trying. Late in the night, I received a text from you; "I'm outside". I was starting to think that my baby was on crack, no apology, no explanation. "Idiot", I thought, you can wait for yourself downstairs". I most certainly am not getting out of bed.

I got out of bed, I walked down the stairs and headed to the door. "Hi" I said, "Hi" You replied. Silence. Then you started talking ....

"Listen, Your uncle gave me a lot to think about, things that we had consciously avoided, probably because we didn't want to rock the boat. I don't know the answer to any of the questions your uncle asked us yesterday and that scared the shit out of me. On my way here, I was going to tell you that I think we should see other people, figure out if this and all the sacrifice it entails is really what we want. But then I saw you and I realised that there will always be a million things I am unsure about. The one thing that I am certain about is my love for you.

The tears that had started to fall when you said you wanted to see other people automatically ceased. That was one of the things that amused you about me, my ability to cry on cue. Or as you called it "my manipulation of your emotions with my everlasting supply of tears" I cleaned my face and looked at you, "so what are you saying, do you want to stay together or not?" I asked.

"Of course" you replied, "That's what I am trying to say. Tinuke, I can't live without you, all this other stuff is important but it will sort itself out. Its not like we plan to get married anytime soon anyway, you are 21, I am 24. We have all the time in the world to figure things out."

That was how we put religion and its complications back in a box that would remain closed for another year. I think that it is amazing how I remember all this stuff in such detail. Don't you?

Always
Me

Coming out of the Closet

2007-04-20T08:15:00.000Z

I had dinner with a colleague from work today. And before you ask; no, he is not interested in me. In fact, he's more likely to be interested in you, if you know what I mean, Anyway, we were talking about gay priests and the contradiction in their sexual orientation and their faith. The conversation became quite heated and we decided to let it rest.

It took me back to our own troubles on religion and faith. It was about a year and a half into our relationship, we were talking on the phone and I suggested that we go and see my Uncle Femi. Uncle Femi was the oldest in my dad's family and more importantly, he was atheist. I rationalised that if we wanted to amass family support, he was the best place to start. You agreed.

I called uncle Femi the next day and asked if I could come and see him, he said to come round in the evening. When you came to pick me up, you were in a suit, Seun you looked so good in a suit. Anyway, I burst out laughing; "Uncle Femi has met you a million times, why the suit?" I swear you almost blushed.

I loved you for making the effort, but I couldn't help taking the piss out of you all the way to my uncle's house. As we pulled up in front of his house, we both fell silent, this was it. No more lying, no more sneaking. We were coming out of the closet.

"Uncle mi", I hugged my uncle and knelt down before him. "Jide jo, since when do you kneel down, abi you are pregnant?" he said eying you suspiciously. "No oh!" I said, quick to dispel any such thoughts. All of a sudden I just burst in to tears, Uncle Femi was perplexed but I just kept crying. You knelt down beside me, put your hand in mine and started to talk.

"Uncle Femi, I love your niece, I have loved her for as long as I can remember, She loves me too. We want to be together. In fact, we are together. We have been dating fro over a year now." Uncle Femi raised his eyebrow but said nothing. You continued.

"Tinuke's dad is a pastor, her parents will never hear of her dating a Muslim, much less marrying one. My parents will agree with them, they are devout Muslims. But Uncle, surely it should be our choice, if we are prepared to take the chance, why should they stop us?"

Our parents will use religion to try and stop us, but they have another weapon, the fact that the both of us are AS and more than likely to have sickle cell kids. We know the risks and we have accepted them so that we can be together."

"Uncle, we came to you because your are the eldest and most open minded. We came to you because we are tired, tired of sneaking around, tired of hiding the love we feel, the love we feel should be celebrated. That is why Tinuke is crying," as you said this, you frowned at me and I knew you were thinking "cry baby, every small thing you will cry", I turned to
look at uncle Femi. "Uncle," I said, help us, we don't know where to turn". I held my breath as I waited for him to respond.

He looked at us and shook his head, "my children, I am flattered that you decide to confide in me, but I have to agreewith your parents. I don't think you kids have thought this through. I am not trying to patronise you but I feel it is my duty to ensure that you understand just what you are letting yourselves in for.

Where are you going to get married, your seperate parents will want a lavish muslim/christian celebration, there will be arguments between them as a result. Trust me I know
How are you going to raise your kids, I know you are still young and have probably not thought that far ahead but these are things you need to think about, are they to be raised muslim, christian, atheist, what?
Is one of you going to give up your faith, do you think that it is possible to have two faiths under one roof?
What if your child has sicke cell, have you thought about the impact this will have, the commitment, the worry?

"These are questions you need to ask each other, and from the vacant looks on your faces, I can see that you have not done this. Love is not enough my children, it is not enough. Go and think about what I have said, come back when you have talked things through. In the meantime, I will keep this to myself. Okay?"

We both stood up, my knees felt numb. You took your hand out of mine. I took this to mean something significant. We both thanked Uncle Femi and left, So much for coming out of the closet, we were right back where we started, only it was much more serious.

I better go before these memories overwhelm me

Always

Getting Drunk

2007-04-19T15:15:00.000Z

Another hectic day at work, I bought a bottle of wine to help me unwind. i am only going to have a glass though, don't want to get drunk.

Getting drunk, that is something I definitely should not do often. Do you remember that October night when I went to Mofe's birthday? There was so much alcohol that before you could say Jack Robinson, I was drunk.

Being drunk gives you a kind of clarity and confidence that sobriety cannot afford. At that moment, on that night, all I wanted to do was be in your arms. So I called a cab, gave the driver your address and sat back. My heart started to pound as we pulled into your street. Was I crazy? It was 4a.m, your parents were around! Your sister was around! What was I thinking?

It was too late to turn around, even if I wanted to. By the time I paid the cabbie, I only had £2 left in my purse. So I rang your phone. You answered on the second ring. "papa, are you awake?", I asked. "well, I am now, whats the matter baby?" you answered. My voiced seemed to have gone on holiday. I knew you would be livid. All my confidence fueled by pinot grigio melted away.

"Erm, erm, baby, don't be mad", I started. "What is wrong, just tell me", you replied, clearly worried. " "Look out of you window", i said. You looked, You hung up. I sat on the pavement. A minute later, you came up behind me and pulled me up. You placed a finger on my lips indicating that I should be quiet.

We walked up the stairs. The stairs seemed bent on giving the game away, creaking loudly with every step we took. When we got to your room, you locked the door, got into bed and faced the wall. I sighed. This was a mistake. I undressed, wore one of your tshirts and turned out the light. I got into the bed and turned away from you. Just as the silent tears began to fall, I felt your arm around me, and your mouth move close to my ear. You whispered "I love you baby, but sometimes you are silly, goodnight" I smiled through my tears and fell asleep.

The next morning as you dropped me off home, you told me off for taking unnecessary risks. I understood. but at that moment, on that night, I just had to be in your arms. I f I had known that your arms weren't always going to be mine for the taking, I would have cherished every moment I spent in them much more.

I should go to bed, I have been writing this letter for too long

Always
Me

I'll Never Forget Paris.

2007-04-19T12:15:00.000Z

I signed up for a London to Paris bike ride to raise money for Cancer Research. 300 miles! You would be so proud of me, I practice 3 times a week.

Paris! I haven't been back to Paris since we went. Those 3 days were the best days of my life. It was our first anniversary and you said that your house was empty so we could have a lazy weekend together alone, for the first time since we'd been together. Most people would have turned their noses up at the thought of spending an anniversary, especially a first one at home. But I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait.

I told momsi that I was going to Dublin for Dolapo's graduation and she didn't bat an eyelid. I knew she couldn't cal aunty Dupe to find out if I was there because they had fallen out a while ago. The lie was set. Bring on the weekend!

When I was packing, you sent me a cryptic text 2Don't forget to pack you passport", ah ! since when do i need a passport to go to my boyfriend's house, see me see wahala. I called you but you didn't pick up. OK. So I packed my passport.

30 minutes later, You sent me a text that you were downstairs and I said bye to my parents, guiltily pocketing the £200 they gave me to give Dolapo. Well.... I was already a liar, I might as well ad thief to my many sins.Instead of your car, you were sitting in a cab, obviously we were not going to yours.

As soon as I got into the cab, you kissed me. Every time you kissed me, my heart melted. I put my arms around your chests and held on tight. 20 minutes later, we pulled into Waterloo station, I looked at you and cocked my head "Paris?" I asked. You nodded and held my hand as we walked to Euro Star.

On the Euro Star, we were that annoying couple, You know, the one that I usually frowned at because of their public displays of affection, while secretly envying their openness. We always seem to be looking behind our shoulder, never relaxed. But that Friday, we snuggled, we kissed.... It was bliss. Seun, we should have eloped.

Paris was beautiful, 2 nights of pure pleasure. We hardly left the hotel, but I didn't mind. It was over in a flash and the train ride home was totally different from the one there. Both of us silent, both of us in our own worlds.

I never told you this but that night, I cried myself to sleep. I was so frustrated; Our first anniversary, A whole year of lies and deceit. I was tired. But I loved you so much. I still do.

Thanks for Paris
Always
Me

Home Alone

2007-04-19T09:42:00.000Z

Work was hectic today, I didn't sleep much last night. I was home alone and I kept imagining foot steps outside my bedroom door.

it reminded me of a time when my parents went to naij. Do you remember that time, Of course you do. Just remembering what happened still sends me into a fit of laughter. I went down on my knees in my bedroom to give you a blow job. Thank God you weren't moaning as loud as you usually do because my bedroom door opened.

Shit! No one was supposed to be home, In one swift motion, I pulled your penis out of my mouth, you pulled up your trousers and went into this ridiculous rant.

"Eh, I told you that it was in the corner, look, there it is" I picked up the imaginary object and hoped that whoever opened the door was buying this ridiculous act. My brother, Tokunbo, stood at the door. He stared at us, then turned around and walked out without saying anything

You were so scared, you almost peed your pants. I, on the other hand was strangely calm. It was bound to happen, They were bound to find out, one way or the other. I had pictured us holding hands, telling our families that we loved each other but you know what they say about the best laid plans.....

We both went into the lounge and sat down with my brother. The silence was deafening. It was probably 5mins later but it seemed like for ever. Then Tokunbo got up, walked towards the kitchen, turned back and said, "this guy, you wan shak star, Arsenal are playing in 5"

Until this day, ever time Toks pisses me off, and he always does, I remember how he handled that day and I mellow. Anyway, Tokunbo met some oyinbo chick a year ago and they are engaged. As you can imagine momsi was pissing fire and brim stones. But she has mellowed since us, I guess she has learnt her lesson.

Its late, I better catch some Zzs....

Always
Me

In the Park

2007-04-18T11:28:00.000Z

I was just sitting at my desk, bored to tears and my mind started to wander through my library of memories. It stopped at one that had you in it.

Do you remember that summer when we were still hiding our relationship from our family and friends. That was a fucked up time. Sneaking about, pretending not to smile when I "accidentally" brushed my breasts up against your arm. Actually, it wasn't so bad. Inconvenient perhaps.

I remember that saturday, you know the one where we ended up spending the night in the park? Well, you came over to my house for our house warming, my parents were happy to see you, as they always where. Our families had been friends for years and you always seemed to put a smile on my mums face.

Its ironic, when you think about how close our families are, that they were so against our relationship. You being muslim and me being christian is a hurdle, I can't deny that. But it didnt have to be the end of the race.

Anyway, that day we had so much alcohol and we were both gragged. We hadnt yet consumated our relationship and I could see it in your eyes that you wanted to. I am sure that the lust in my eyes mirrored the lust in yours. What could we have done, we culdnt stay at mine and we couldnt go to yours. We decided to go to the park to chill.

11pm in any park is always scary but that night it was calm, everything looked peaceful somehow, as if the trees had decided to be our accomplices and turn a blind eye.

Oh, you were so cute, unsure what to do. I could see the uncertainty in your eyes, "do I try", "will she think that I dont respect her" "what if someone walks by". Then I kissed you. You smiled. All the doubts seemed to just melt away.

You kissed me back and before I knew what was going on, we were on the grass, my top off and my skirt pulled up to my waist. You were so gentle. As if you were trying to reassure me of your love, irrespective of our surroundings.

Afterwards, we just lay there and talked, When we finally checked the time, it was 3am. Shit! I knew I was in yawa. But fuck it, I asked you if you wanted to go, you said no and pulled me into your arms. And we fell asleep.

That night, I fell in love with you. I decided that I was going to fight tooth and nail to be with you and if my family didnt like it well.... I would continue this letter but the tears are beginning to fall, I know the day will come when I remember and don't cry. But till then....

Always
Me